Refresh week 1- goals and cooking!

Hi! So it's been 6 days since my last post and I have really worked hard at keeping motivated.

I have been the queen of lists! People who actually know me probably know of my love of "to do" lists. I have incorporated that to not just do daily but I have some goals to achieve by the end of the week, and end of month.

3 of my goals for the week were:

* Go grocery shopping
* Cook at least 1 meal
* Research old recipes from my Slimming World days.

So on Tuesday, I wandered around the local supermarket (yes, with a list!) and bought a lot of stuff. I had decided that this week I was going to make an old staple of mine- syn free quiches! 

They are currently in the oven, and since I haven't cooked a proper thing in a while, I'm a little nervous! But we shall see! I tweaked it a bit to add some cheese (40g to be exact) so that makes my quiches from syn-free to about 1/2-1 syn each (I'm making about 15 quiches and 40g cheese is 9 syns if i remember correctly)

I also have plans to make Fajitas (not syn-free but a healthy -and cheaper- alternative to eating out!) on Friday (Fabulous Fajita Friday, if you please!)

One thing I want to incorporate is exercise. Lately, my partner, a friend and I have been going swimming at my Mother-in-law's apartment complex. Sadly the pool will be out of action for a while, but my friend and I plan on hitting the gym. I have to remember that I am not as fit as I used to be, so I need to take it slow. But I'm happy to get some activity in!

I have committed to weighing myself only once a month (eek!) so I won't know the progress for another 26 days. Not that I'm counting or anything. I have come to realise that my weight loss is a physical consequence of eating well. One thing that became my downfall was becoming obsessed with the number on the scale. How many times did I post on here that I was disappointed with like a 2-3lb loss? There were weeks where I tended to under-eat or over-exercise to scramble to a good weight loss- especially after a binge night post-weigh in. 

This time is a bit different. I'm focusing more on the emotional aspect. Of course, I want to be a normal weight/size. But, if I want to be healthy for the rest of my life (a day at a time!) then I have to remember that my weight is not the be-all and end-all.

I have to work on being patient. Haha- but I want to be patient now!!!!

Anyway- I'm happy to be back into this thing. Hopefully I will read back on this next year and rather than think "I'm exactly where I was last year" I'll think "wow, I'm really glad I started getting back on track when I did" 

Until next time,

Much love,
Tanya x

Fall down 7 times ---

Get up 8!

Hello again! T'is me! 

It's been another long hiatus and I don't know really why I find it so hard to stick to blogging and writing down my journey. Well, maybe I do know- probably because I've not really had much of a journey lately. Not a successful one anyway.

Since my last blog post, which was incidentally just around a year ago, a lot has happened. I had a mental breakdown in September, leaving me to be under the care of a local hospital. I've been poked and prodded by doctors, been diagnosed with a new mental disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder) I have been medicated, attended countless appointments with psychiatrists, attended 2 different therapy groups and still have to deal with mental crap on a daily basis.

I also, after a long break away, decided to go back to Overeaters Anonymous and try and get myself out of the world of binge eating and active food addiction.

Last night I picked up my 9 month coin. That's 9 months free from eating processed sugar (that's right- no cakes, doughnuts, cookies, whatever) and binge eating. My food plan is very very lax, I have a long way to go. My weight loss was quick in the beginning but lately I have struggled with that. It's barely noticeable .

After talking to a new (well, in the last year) and wonderful friend of mine, who has supported me so much in the last 9 months, I have decided to make a few changes, and hoping that this will give me some kind of accountability. 

If. I. Can. Stick. To. It

Truth be told, I was thinking about typing this and thought "what's the point really? I can't keep it up for longer than 3 or 4 days" and that has been true. But I miss doing the original blog. I miss the feedback and the love that I used to receive from people walking this journey with me. I miss the food plan that I had, which is hard to keep up over here (but not impossible). 

So, we shall see. Maybe I can keep it up. It might just help me get to where I want to be. Which is not giving a crap about the number on the scales, not obsessing over what I eat and how much. I want to have that sense of freedom and confidence that I had when I was on my Slimming World journey back in 2011-2013. Even though I had poor self image and self worth, it was mightily improved, compared to what I was like before I joined my group for the first time.

I have started going swimming a couple of times a week- not a full workout but it's a start. and over the next few days I plan on doing a shopping list and trying to figure out what is nourishing for me. Then, I am planning on trying to get into the habit of cooking again. I haven't cooked a meal for probably a few months now. I've been eating out and letting other people cook for me. So I need to get back into it.

I am also going to regularly get active- as much as possible. Especially while the weather is half decent.

I have been avoiding looking at my weight- or just looking at myself actually. I am not the biggest I have ever been. That was last November when I was sure as hell that If I didn't do anything and soon, I would've been over 400lb by the time I was 31- if I even made it to 31. But, I know that I have to give this everything I have. I might not have much physical or emotional energy, but with the love and support of the people around me, I know that I have a bit of a chance. 

So, here I am again, again, again. Like I said this time last year- I am going to take it one day, one meal, one moment at a time.

Much love,
Tanya x

Hi there! 

I know it's been a few days since my last update-I haven't slipped off the wagon or anything. I was out of town, having a mini holiday! It was really just what I needed and I'm so glad we were able to get out and about for a while!

Here is a picture of my "therapy unicorn" enjoying the road trip! I found it amusing to take pictures of random stuff with this little unicorn. It's amazing how something so pink and fluffy can look so artistic! 

I stuck with my food plan and tracked my food every day I was away- and boy was it hard! There was birthday cake at a party, homemade butter tarts, pies...etc. But I was very careful with what I ate! I am weighing in tomorrow, it's the 10th day of a 10 day challenge I signed up to on MFP. I shouldn't really focus on just the number on the scales, but jeeze, especially for the first few weeks, it would be nice to see a change in my weight!

So when I was talking to my friend last week about actually doing this weight loss thing again, one thing I decided to do was to buy a dress. Not one I can fit into yet, but a few sizes down so I can aim towards it! I don't have a date to wear it, but I really wanted something to look forward to.

Anyway- It's crinkly, with a photo taken in bad lighting- but here it is!

I still love my rockabilly dresses! I did this when I did SW and first lost weight, and it really motivated me! So I hope to be wearing this at a special event in a few months time! Maybe Christmas, maybe at the big AA conference in March. I really don't know. But I'm determined to keep plugging along and not give up!

Today has been a good day. I am still finding it hard to not eat and drink just anything at work. Working at Starbucks is haaaaaaard when you are trying to lose weight! But my water intake is really high so at least I'm hydrated!

Another challenge I started last night on MFP was just called "one day at a time" where you set yourself challenges for the day ahead. Today, one of them was to do this blog post. Since it's before my bedtime, technically it is still a Friday thing! 

The list I have for myself tomorrow is:
* Get off the bus 1 stop earlier after work and walk a bit more
* Write a shopping list for the wife so she can get groceries while I'm at work
*Not get freaked out by the number on the scales when I do my weekly weigh in
*Write a gratitude list
*Track food 100%

They are all very doable, so I feel like I am setting myself up for success!

I'm looking forward to Gael going food shopping tomorrow! I have some recipes lined up and have a new cookbook to crack open! I really want to get back into cooking and enjoying my mealtimes rather than dread them! 

Alright, that's it from me tonight. Need to get myself to bed!

Much love,
Tanya x

Tracking, planning and enjoying some treats!

Hi guys!

Today was a pretty amazing day. For the first time ever, I was a speaker at an AA round-up, which is a smaller 1-day convention. My talk was taped and I was able to hear myself back for the first time. God, I talk funny! 

Anyway, I made some really good choices today, considering there weren't many choices at all! My lunch was a Mr Sub sandwich and dinner was provided at the round-up. I packed my plate with salad and went from there.

I am remembering my old Slimming World days- packing my plate with super-free food first. I even had enough calories to have a small piece of pie for pudding!

I am finishing off my 5th day and I feel bloated, and a little bit like the results aren't going to show. It seems those "weigh in" nerves never go away! I think I need to start looking at the fact that it's less about the number on the scales and more about being healthy...but boy it's hard to change my thinking like that!

The tracking tool on My Fitness Pal is great. It has most things in the database so i don't even need to think about it!

My focus over the next few days is to keep planning my food. Tomorrow I can work on that- I'm working and eating is hard there. I either don't want to eat a thing or I want to eat EVERYthing. Also, cutting out all of the sugary drinks is so damn hard! So I'll take some food with me, plan my stuff and hopefully it will go smoothly.

I have to remember- it took me a while to get into it when I lost weight the first time, there is an adjustment period of sorts. I'll try and keep it in the day, one meal at a time if need be!

That's it from me. I'm thankful of people who are still interested in keeping up with me. The support and encouragement is very much appreciated. I know I can't do this alone! And the fact that I am doing it alone (AKA without a weight loss group), the online support is doubly appreciated!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Day 3, and a "remember when"

Hi guys! 2 posts in a week! See? I'm committed!

Today marked day 3 of mindful eating. I am really feeling positive about it even though the anxiety is still there. I am using MyFitnessPal to track my food. They also have a pretty decent community/forum to check in. I love challenges and stuff, so I hope this helps spur me on!

I had a situation today that reminded me of a time I really struggled when I was originally on Slimming World- when I got too obsessed about my food intake.

This morning, I went to a meeting and a friend of mine brought me an iced coffee from McDonald's (it's hot as hell here right now and a cold drink was appreciated). I spent over half of the meeting looking at this iced coffee, deciding whether or not I was going to drink it. It had sugar in it, and MyFitnessPal told me that it was 170 calories. Never mind the fact that I had a good breakfast and most of my food was accounted for, and had the calories left over to enjoy it, in the back of my head all I heard was "you can't have that, it's bad!"

Well, I snapped out of it and enjoyed it. Tracked it, appreciated the caffeine and moved on. 

When I did Slimming World, I became extremely obsessed with my weight loss. It was everything to me. After about 6 months, I joined MFP and noticed I could track my food online. Which was great! However, I started eating less and less to "help" with my weight loss. I was eating about 800 calories a day, mostly salads etc and my weight loss plateaued. Not just that, but I was making myself ill. I talked to my consultant and she really helped me realise that under-eating was bad for many reasons- including a decrease in weight loss. As soon as I went back to eating a healthy amount, I lost more weight. Funny, that!

However, remembering my addictive behaviours and how it manifests- it was a real eye-opener for me. One of my sources of support is the woman I spoke to on Monday. I shared the thoughts I had today and she gave me a warning to be careful. She is right. If I am going to do this, I need to do it properly. Not obsessively, not like an addict, but in a way that is not just good for my body, but my mind too!

My action plan for the next few days is to make sure I am prepared for when I work. I'm working tomorrow and Sunday, both 8 1/2 hour shifts. Lately, I have literally been eating nothing at work all day. Maybe a sandwich before I start work but that's it. And when I finish, I am STARVING! Yesterday I took some chilli to work with me. I barely managed half of it (I guess I have no appetite at work some days) but I tried. Tomorrow I'll take chicken salad sandwiches and fruit. That should keep me going!

I really am feeling positive about this. Especially after I got a wonderfully supportive message off my mum this morning. I know that no matter where I am, I have friends and family who love me and who will help me with any struggles I have in my life. And for that, I am extremely grateful!

Much love,

Tanya x

Rebirth! (Or something along those lines)

I know I said this 2 years ago but I think I really, really mean it this time! haha

Hello strangers, did you miss me? I can't believe where the time has gone!

So because it's 2am and I really should be tucked up in bed, I will keep this reasonably short....maybe...possibly.

I was speaking to a friend of mine on Monday about my struggles with life and everything. I am slowly coming out of what is probably the biggest depressive episode of my life. For a month, I was constantly in a state of anxiety, my depression was beating me down really bad and I was suicidal. I didn't do anything stupid, but the despair I felt was not something I will forget in a hurry.

One thing I talked to this friend about was my issues around my weight. How I was once skinny, attractive, happy. However, I know, too, that I wasn't happy with my weight when I was healthy. I only focused on the negatives- my loose skin, my hairy chin, my bushy eyebrows, the way that my boobs weren't as perky as the average 20-something. But I know too, that being the size that I am now is not the place I want to be at.

I remember where I was when I first joined Slimming World back in 2011. Antisocial, anxious, depressed. The only difference between then and now is the fact that I go out of my way to be sociable. Being in recovery in Toronto.... there really isn't anywhere to hide. People don't let me. However, I don't really show everyone my true self. I have hidden my depression well. I have hidden my insecurities well. Not many people know what is truly going on in my head. The friend I spoke to on Monday pointed that out to me. She really, really put things into perspective for me. It gave me a motivation and a drive. A hope that maybe, just maybe, I can make some positive changes and become a healthier, happier person. 

To have the realisation that being a healthy weight won't guarantee me happiness is a really good thing. It means that now, rather than JUST focus on losing weight, I need to focus on my head and chase out all of those voices of negativity. The ones that tell me that I'm stupid, worthless, unlovable, disliked by the whole world. I have a good circle of people who can help with that, thank goodness.

So here I am, the heaviest I've ever been. Worried about failure but going to do it anyway. But in spite of the nervousness, I'm excited and ready to conquer my demons one step, one meal, one moment at a time.

It's good to be back!

Much love,
Tanya x

Sneaking back (not so) quietly

Well hello there, remember me?

So I was debating whether or not to write a blog post. I've been thinking about it often, lots of pros and cons. Most of the pros are things like motivation, accountability, support. Basically the only cons consist of fear and pride. So here I am!

Let me give you the world's quickest recap of what's happened since my last blog update.

I am in a relationship. My lovely partner, Gael and I met about 3 years ago. She's from Toronto, lives in Toronto and speaks fluent Torontonian. She and I met in person for the first time in March 2 years ago, and after a few visits to each other (I flew to Canada 3 times and Gael came to visit my lot once) we decided that long-distance relationships are hard....so I moved to Canada! I got myself  2 year working visa and I am just over half way through that.

I got a job at Starbucks. A major change of career path, but after 13 applications for jobs (over half of which for supermarkets) I only landed one interview- and was offered the job. It's a great place to work. I love my team, The pay is ok (not as good as in the UK but I will take it!) and I am even have an interview for a promotion next week!

Nothing else really to mention

Oh- except that I got fat.

I'm not just talking about putting another stone on or so... I am literally the heaviest I have ever been.

Now, you Slimming World peeps, don't judge ok? 

I joined Weight Watchers

"Oh my god, the die-hard slimming worlder has moved to the darkside??" I hear you cry. "Kinda" is my response- but for good reason.

There isn't SW in Canada. And even though there are some differences between SW and WW there is one major similarity- the group setting. I missed the support and accountability of a group. I may be reasonably self reliant, but that extra kick up the bum helps sometimes

I joined a local group, about a mile away from our apartment. Originally it was a monday night group but after a couple of weeks I moved to a Wednesday morning group. The leader on a Wednesday was someone I really could relate to and she made me laugh, so I had to move!

My first weigh in, I was 347.6lb. In real, British money that's 24st 9.6lb. I started SW in 2011 at 22st 7lb so in the space of just a couple of years I literally doubled my body weight.

Well, in my first week I lost, like, 11lb, which was crazy. Sadly that did not keep me motivated and I just kept fluctuating. So between mid feb and now, I have lost a total of 19.8lb. Better than a kick in the teeth, but I know I can, and will, do better.

Gael got me a cute little fitbit for my birthday. It has made me uber competitive. There are competitions between friends during the week and that has motivated me to walk more. I walked home from work for the first time last week (2 miles, I nearly died!) and now I am finding walking easier. I lost 2.4lb this week  and I really felt like I did a great job.

So anyway, I didn't want to do a long post tonight. Just a start. There's a lot to catch up on, and a lot to focus on in the near future.

I hope some of you are still on this journey with me. I definitely need some support. I missed my blogees!!

So until next time (maybe tomorrow)

Much love,
Tanya x