Refresh week 1- goals and cooking!

Hi! So it's been 6 days since my last post and I have really worked hard at keeping motivated.

I have been the queen of lists! People who actually know me probably know of my love of "to do" lists. I have incorporated that to not just do daily but I have some goals to achieve by the end of the week, and end of month.

3 of my goals for the week were:

* Go grocery shopping
* Cook at least 1 meal
* Research old recipes from my Slimming World days.

So on Tuesday, I wandered around the local supermarket (yes, with a list!) and bought a lot of stuff. I had decided that this week I was going to make an old staple of mine- syn free quiches! 

They are currently in the oven, and since I haven't cooked a proper thing in a while, I'm a little nervous! But we shall see! I tweaked it a bit to add some cheese (40g to be exact) so that makes my quiches from syn-free to about 1/2-1 syn each (I'm making about 15 quiches and 40g cheese is 9 syns if i remember correctly)

I also have plans to make Fajitas (not syn-free but a healthy -and cheaper- alternative to eating out!) on Friday (Fabulous Fajita Friday, if you please!)

One thing I want to incorporate is exercise. Lately, my partner, a friend and I have been going swimming at my Mother-in-law's apartment complex. Sadly the pool will be out of action for a while, but my friend and I plan on hitting the gym. I have to remember that I am not as fit as I used to be, so I need to take it slow. But I'm happy to get some activity in!

I have committed to weighing myself only once a month (eek!) so I won't know the progress for another 26 days. Not that I'm counting or anything. I have come to realise that my weight loss is a physical consequence of eating well. One thing that became my downfall was becoming obsessed with the number on the scale. How many times did I post on here that I was disappointed with like a 2-3lb loss? There were weeks where I tended to under-eat or over-exercise to scramble to a good weight loss- especially after a binge night post-weigh in. 

This time is a bit different. I'm focusing more on the emotional aspect. Of course, I want to be a normal weight/size. But, if I want to be healthy for the rest of my life (a day at a time!) then I have to remember that my weight is not the be-all and end-all.

I have to work on being patient. Haha- but I want to be patient now!!!!

Anyway- I'm happy to be back into this thing. Hopefully I will read back on this next year and rather than think "I'm exactly where I was last year" I'll think "wow, I'm really glad I started getting back on track when I did" 

Until next time,

Much love,
Tanya x

Fall down 7 times ---

Get up 8!

Hello again! T'is me! 

It's been another long hiatus and I don't know really why I find it so hard to stick to blogging and writing down my journey. Well, maybe I do know- probably because I've not really had much of a journey lately. Not a successful one anyway.

Since my last blog post, which was incidentally just around a year ago, a lot has happened. I had a mental breakdown in September, leaving me to be under the care of a local hospital. I've been poked and prodded by doctors, been diagnosed with a new mental disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder) I have been medicated, attended countless appointments with psychiatrists, attended 2 different therapy groups and still have to deal with mental crap on a daily basis.

I also, after a long break away, decided to go back to Overeaters Anonymous and try and get myself out of the world of binge eating and active food addiction.

Last night I picked up my 9 month coin. That's 9 months free from eating processed sugar (that's right- no cakes, doughnuts, cookies, whatever) and binge eating. My food plan is very very lax, I have a long way to go. My weight loss was quick in the beginning but lately I have struggled with that. It's barely noticeable .

After talking to a new (well, in the last year) and wonderful friend of mine, who has supported me so much in the last 9 months, I have decided to make a few changes, and hoping that this will give me some kind of accountability. 

If. I. Can. Stick. To. It

Truth be told, I was thinking about typing this and thought "what's the point really? I can't keep it up for longer than 3 or 4 days" and that has been true. But I miss doing the original blog. I miss the feedback and the love that I used to receive from people walking this journey with me. I miss the food plan that I had, which is hard to keep up over here (but not impossible). 

So, we shall see. Maybe I can keep it up. It might just help me get to where I want to be. Which is not giving a crap about the number on the scales, not obsessing over what I eat and how much. I want to have that sense of freedom and confidence that I had when I was on my Slimming World journey back in 2011-2013. Even though I had poor self image and self worth, it was mightily improved, compared to what I was like before I joined my group for the first time.

I have started going swimming a couple of times a week- not a full workout but it's a start. and over the next few days I plan on doing a shopping list and trying to figure out what is nourishing for me. Then, I am planning on trying to get into the habit of cooking again. I haven't cooked a meal for probably a few months now. I've been eating out and letting other people cook for me. So I need to get back into it.

I am also going to regularly get active- as much as possible. Especially while the weather is half decent.

I have been avoiding looking at my weight- or just looking at myself actually. I am not the biggest I have ever been. That was last November when I was sure as hell that If I didn't do anything and soon, I would've been over 400lb by the time I was 31- if I even made it to 31. But, I know that I have to give this everything I have. I might not have much physical or emotional energy, but with the love and support of the people around me, I know that I have a bit of a chance. 

So, here I am again, again, again. Like I said this time last year- I am going to take it one day, one meal, one moment at a time.

Much love,
Tanya x

Hi there! 

I know it's been a few days since my last update-I haven't slipped off the wagon or anything. I was out of town, having a mini holiday! It was really just what I needed and I'm so glad we were able to get out and about for a while!

Here is a picture of my "therapy unicorn" enjoying the road trip! I found it amusing to take pictures of random stuff with this little unicorn. It's amazing how something so pink and fluffy can look so artistic! 

I stuck with my food plan and tracked my food every day I was away- and boy was it hard! There was birthday cake at a party, homemade butter tarts, pies...etc. But I was very careful with what I ate! I am weighing in tomorrow, it's the 10th day of a 10 day challenge I signed up to on MFP. I shouldn't really focus on just the number on the scales, but jeeze, especially for the first few weeks, it would be nice to see a change in my weight!

So when I was talking to my friend last week about actually doing this weight loss thing again, one thing I decided to do was to buy a dress. Not one I can fit into yet, but a few sizes down so I can aim towards it! I don't have a date to wear it, but I really wanted something to look forward to.

Anyway- It's crinkly, with a photo taken in bad lighting- but here it is!

I still love my rockabilly dresses! I did this when I did SW and first lost weight, and it really motivated me! So I hope to be wearing this at a special event in a few months time! Maybe Christmas, maybe at the big AA conference in March. I really don't know. But I'm determined to keep plugging along and not give up!

Today has been a good day. I am still finding it hard to not eat and drink just anything at work. Working at Starbucks is haaaaaaard when you are trying to lose weight! But my water intake is really high so at least I'm hydrated!

Another challenge I started last night on MFP was just called "one day at a time" where you set yourself challenges for the day ahead. Today, one of them was to do this blog post. Since it's before my bedtime, technically it is still a Friday thing! 

The list I have for myself tomorrow is:
* Get off the bus 1 stop earlier after work and walk a bit more
* Write a shopping list for the wife so she can get groceries while I'm at work
*Not get freaked out by the number on the scales when I do my weekly weigh in
*Write a gratitude list
*Track food 100%

They are all very doable, so I feel like I am setting myself up for success!

I'm looking forward to Gael going food shopping tomorrow! I have some recipes lined up and have a new cookbook to crack open! I really want to get back into cooking and enjoying my mealtimes rather than dread them! 

Alright, that's it from me tonight. Need to get myself to bed!

Much love,
Tanya x

Tracking, planning and enjoying some treats!

Hi guys!

Today was a pretty amazing day. For the first time ever, I was a speaker at an AA round-up, which is a smaller 1-day convention. My talk was taped and I was able to hear myself back for the first time. God, I talk funny! 

Anyway, I made some really good choices today, considering there weren't many choices at all! My lunch was a Mr Sub sandwich and dinner was provided at the round-up. I packed my plate with salad and went from there.

I am remembering my old Slimming World days- packing my plate with super-free food first. I even had enough calories to have a small piece of pie for pudding!

I am finishing off my 5th day and I feel bloated, and a little bit like the results aren't going to show. It seems those "weigh in" nerves never go away! I think I need to start looking at the fact that it's less about the number on the scales and more about being healthy...but boy it's hard to change my thinking like that!

The tracking tool on My Fitness Pal is great. It has most things in the database so i don't even need to think about it!

My focus over the next few days is to keep planning my food. Tomorrow I can work on that- I'm working and eating is hard there. I either don't want to eat a thing or I want to eat EVERYthing. Also, cutting out all of the sugary drinks is so damn hard! So I'll take some food with me, plan my stuff and hopefully it will go smoothly.

I have to remember- it took me a while to get into it when I lost weight the first time, there is an adjustment period of sorts. I'll try and keep it in the day, one meal at a time if need be!

That's it from me. I'm thankful of people who are still interested in keeping up with me. The support and encouragement is very much appreciated. I know I can't do this alone! And the fact that I am doing it alone (AKA without a weight loss group), the online support is doubly appreciated!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Day 3, and a "remember when"

Hi guys! 2 posts in a week! See? I'm committed!

Today marked day 3 of mindful eating. I am really feeling positive about it even though the anxiety is still there. I am using MyFitnessPal to track my food. They also have a pretty decent community/forum to check in. I love challenges and stuff, so I hope this helps spur me on!

I had a situation today that reminded me of a time I really struggled when I was originally on Slimming World- when I got too obsessed about my food intake.

This morning, I went to a meeting and a friend of mine brought me an iced coffee from McDonald's (it's hot as hell here right now and a cold drink was appreciated). I spent over half of the meeting looking at this iced coffee, deciding whether or not I was going to drink it. It had sugar in it, and MyFitnessPal told me that it was 170 calories. Never mind the fact that I had a good breakfast and most of my food was accounted for, and had the calories left over to enjoy it, in the back of my head all I heard was "you can't have that, it's bad!"

Well, I snapped out of it and enjoyed it. Tracked it, appreciated the caffeine and moved on. 

When I did Slimming World, I became extremely obsessed with my weight loss. It was everything to me. After about 6 months, I joined MFP and noticed I could track my food online. Which was great! However, I started eating less and less to "help" with my weight loss. I was eating about 800 calories a day, mostly salads etc and my weight loss plateaued. Not just that, but I was making myself ill. I talked to my consultant and she really helped me realise that under-eating was bad for many reasons- including a decrease in weight loss. As soon as I went back to eating a healthy amount, I lost more weight. Funny, that!

However, remembering my addictive behaviours and how it manifests- it was a real eye-opener for me. One of my sources of support is the woman I spoke to on Monday. I shared the thoughts I had today and she gave me a warning to be careful. She is right. If I am going to do this, I need to do it properly. Not obsessively, not like an addict, but in a way that is not just good for my body, but my mind too!

My action plan for the next few days is to make sure I am prepared for when I work. I'm working tomorrow and Sunday, both 8 1/2 hour shifts. Lately, I have literally been eating nothing at work all day. Maybe a sandwich before I start work but that's it. And when I finish, I am STARVING! Yesterday I took some chilli to work with me. I barely managed half of it (I guess I have no appetite at work some days) but I tried. Tomorrow I'll take chicken salad sandwiches and fruit. That should keep me going!

I really am feeling positive about this. Especially after I got a wonderfully supportive message off my mum this morning. I know that no matter where I am, I have friends and family who love me and who will help me with any struggles I have in my life. And for that, I am extremely grateful!

Much love,

Tanya x

Rebirth! (Or something along those lines)

I know I said this 2 years ago but I think I really, really mean it this time! haha

Hello strangers, did you miss me? I can't believe where the time has gone!

So because it's 2am and I really should be tucked up in bed, I will keep this reasonably short....maybe...possibly.

I was speaking to a friend of mine on Monday about my struggles with life and everything. I am slowly coming out of what is probably the biggest depressive episode of my life. For a month, I was constantly in a state of anxiety, my depression was beating me down really bad and I was suicidal. I didn't do anything stupid, but the despair I felt was not something I will forget in a hurry.

One thing I talked to this friend about was my issues around my weight. How I was once skinny, attractive, happy. However, I know, too, that I wasn't happy with my weight when I was healthy. I only focused on the negatives- my loose skin, my hairy chin, my bushy eyebrows, the way that my boobs weren't as perky as the average 20-something. But I know too, that being the size that I am now is not the place I want to be at.

I remember where I was when I first joined Slimming World back in 2011. Antisocial, anxious, depressed. The only difference between then and now is the fact that I go out of my way to be sociable. Being in recovery in Toronto.... there really isn't anywhere to hide. People don't let me. However, I don't really show everyone my true self. I have hidden my depression well. I have hidden my insecurities well. Not many people know what is truly going on in my head. The friend I spoke to on Monday pointed that out to me. She really, really put things into perspective for me. It gave me a motivation and a drive. A hope that maybe, just maybe, I can make some positive changes and become a healthier, happier person. 

To have the realisation that being a healthy weight won't guarantee me happiness is a really good thing. It means that now, rather than JUST focus on losing weight, I need to focus on my head and chase out all of those voices of negativity. The ones that tell me that I'm stupid, worthless, unlovable, disliked by the whole world. I have a good circle of people who can help with that, thank goodness.

So here I am, the heaviest I've ever been. Worried about failure but going to do it anyway. But in spite of the nervousness, I'm excited and ready to conquer my demons one step, one meal, one moment at a time.

It's good to be back!

Much love,
Tanya x

Sneaking back (not so) quietly

Well hello there, remember me?

So I was debating whether or not to write a blog post. I've been thinking about it often, lots of pros and cons. Most of the pros are things like motivation, accountability, support. Basically the only cons consist of fear and pride. So here I am!

Let me give you the world's quickest recap of what's happened since my last blog update.

I am in a relationship. My lovely partner, Gael and I met about 3 years ago. She's from Toronto, lives in Toronto and speaks fluent Torontonian. She and I met in person for the first time in March 2 years ago, and after a few visits to each other (I flew to Canada 3 times and Gael came to visit my lot once) we decided that long-distance relationships are hard....so I moved to Canada! I got myself  2 year working visa and I am just over half way through that.

I got a job at Starbucks. A major change of career path, but after 13 applications for jobs (over half of which for supermarkets) I only landed one interview- and was offered the job. It's a great place to work. I love my team, The pay is ok (not as good as in the UK but I will take it!) and I am even have an interview for a promotion next week!

Nothing else really to mention

Oh- except that I got fat.

I'm not just talking about putting another stone on or so... I am literally the heaviest I have ever been.

Now, you Slimming World peeps, don't judge ok? 

I joined Weight Watchers

"Oh my god, the die-hard slimming worlder has moved to the darkside??" I hear you cry. "Kinda" is my response- but for good reason.

There isn't SW in Canada. And even though there are some differences between SW and WW there is one major similarity- the group setting. I missed the support and accountability of a group. I may be reasonably self reliant, but that extra kick up the bum helps sometimes

I joined a local group, about a mile away from our apartment. Originally it was a monday night group but after a couple of weeks I moved to a Wednesday morning group. The leader on a Wednesday was someone I really could relate to and she made me laugh, so I had to move!

My first weigh in, I was 347.6lb. In real, British money that's 24st 9.6lb. I started SW in 2011 at 22st 7lb so in the space of just a couple of years I literally doubled my body weight.

Well, in my first week I lost, like, 11lb, which was crazy. Sadly that did not keep me motivated and I just kept fluctuating. So between mid feb and now, I have lost a total of 19.8lb. Better than a kick in the teeth, but I know I can, and will, do better.

Gael got me a cute little fitbit for my birthday. It has made me uber competitive. There are competitions between friends during the week and that has motivated me to walk more. I walked home from work for the first time last week (2 miles, I nearly died!) and now I am finding walking easier. I lost 2.4lb this week  and I really felt like I did a great job.

So anyway, I didn't want to do a long post tonight. Just a start. There's a lot to catch up on, and a lot to focus on in the near future.

I hope some of you are still on this journey with me. I definitely need some support. I missed my blogees!!

So until next time (maybe tomorrow)

Much love,
Tanya x

Enough is enough

Ok so I am crawling out from under the woodwork.... I haven't actually been anywhere- I just haven't been blogging. I just got lazy, story of my life.

Anyway- still going to group every week- throwing my fiver into the black hole and gaining for 2 weeks, losing then gaining more... just a spiral of eating uncontrollably, moving less and wallowing in self pity because of the weight i've put on....so I eat more, move less and then wallow a bit more.

The long and short of it is this- I am now the heaviest i have been in over 2 years. I weigh 14st 9lb. No shame, no embarrassment- I have always advertised my weight- it's just a number. A rather large number compared to what I have been accustomed to- but still just a number.

I am 1st 13.5lb away from my target range- or 30.5lb away from my target weight- again just numbers.

It's how I feel that bothers me more... my clothes are either too tight or don't fit at all. My physical health is bad- my neck has been bad for over a year and showing no signs of improvement and my back has been giving me grief for a few months- but my joints have started to feel the strain again. Not to mention the chillblains and sores on my hands (ok not weight related but still- having a bad effect on me)

My mental health is worsening- I am starting to regularly take anxiety meds, even though for a month or so I went without completely- maybe the odd one or 2 beta blockers when I was under extreme pressure in work. I have completely stopped looking in mirrors again. I also chair and speak in online video recovery meetings and I have started to cover my camera when I am able to just so I don't have to see myself. I have avoided going out to some social gatherings because of how I think I look. My work is being affected due to my heightened anxiety and I am just generally miserable.

Not to mention the fear of being the fat bridesmaid at my Mum's wedding in less than 4 months time. I have a very pretty bridesmaid dress that at the moment is 2 dress sizes too small. at least. I am just grateful my mum has a massive hatred for cameras- which means no embarrassing wedding photographs. I would hate to have my photo taken at this moment in time- with my skinny mum and a younger, prettier step sister. 

I read something tonight in an Overeaters recovery facebook group. Some woman said to a guy "I have a weight problem" he replied "No, you have an eating problem- cause and effect- fix the cause". Very strong words but something I can identify with. My effect of my eating is weight gain and the things that come with that. My cause- my eating. My compulsive overeating due to emotion, stress and just because I am addicted to food. I go 2-3 days then that thought of "eff it have this" creeps in.

Anyway- there are a few things I can do.....this is what I am going to do:

1) Take it one day at a time. Simple- an hour at a time if I have to.

2) Plan my food. Actually- I have done. I have planned my meals for tomorrow and my dinners for every day this week. Mum, Arty and I sat down and decided on what to have (Arty wants to lose some more weight too) we have also decided to make a pan of Speedy Soup for some meals....and my friend Niki is making me a curry loaf!

3) Stick to plan. I have an SAS log....Julie gave me them, I am going to write everything down....to be more in control.

4) Move more. Not overdo it but even if I walk for an extra 10-15 mins...that might just help.

5) Sleep more. Easier said than done- and since I am up in 5 hours for work....maybe not tonight. But I am going to set my bedtimes and sleep more...I have to...I was told in early recovery about HALT- don't be Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired....the less tired I am the easier it is! Also the longer i sleep the less time I have to think about food!!

6) Journal More. Maybe blog here daily....or just write at home in a book or SOMETHING. Take time out to journal- it always helped me to blog.....I need to be more discipline.

7) Knit more. I am doing a rainbow something or other....can't way in case the recipient happens to be reading this- and it is a surprise. But knitting distracts me...so more of that!

8) Think positive. Possibly the hardest thing- considering how much of a pessimist I am. But I am going to try and keep positive about myself and others.

I have been hyper sensitive lately- and to people this has affected I am sorry. I don't realise I am doing it most of the time, my own self pity becomes a bit like a bubble around me. But hopefully when I get back to my routine of positive action, I can become more positive mentally.

So stick with me....please....I need my friends and family more than anything right now....I don't want to be where I was 3 years ago...and at the rate I have been gaining, it wouldn't take long to get back to 23 stone...that scares me.

Bed now, more tomorrow maybe!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Why We Need To Stick Up For The Becky Adlingtons Out There!

I am a regular, normal person. I am not a beauty queen, hot shot lawyer or olympian. Nor do I hold some kind of world record. 

I am a 25 year old woman who works in a supermarket. I have loose skin, my body hair is dark and grows WAY too fast and my IQ is a little above average. 

In the last 25 years I have been bullied for many different things- for wearing glasses, for being fat, for being tall, for being gay, for being left handed, for having reasonably bushy eyebrows and for having an anxiety disorder. I have had it pointed out for 25 years that I do not fit the "norm" of what the media portrays what I should be like. I do not look like a model, I have not got a "perfect" body (whatever one of those are!) and I have been ridiculed over something because of that!

I have started to accept my body a bit more- it has been through a lot in the last 2 1/2 years- losing 10 stone then yo-yoing with the odd 10-15lb. Trying to curb an eating disorder and trying to actually like myself. I am getting there- one day at a time- but I still get comments from people who don't know any better- I still get called "fat" even though I am a healthy weight for my height. 

This is something that has bothering me for a while, why people insist on portraying the "perfect" person and why we have to somehow fit that ideal or where are labelled as freaks. But also the people who allow that ideal to grow, the people who bully others for being different.

The reason why I am writing this is because I read the story about olympic swimmer, Rebecca Adlington- a tally of gold medals, world records and an all round awesome person. Someone who is respected by many for her athleticism, tenacity and ability to inspire generations into getting into the pool. As an ex-competitive swimmer I look up to her, I know how much effort goes into training and preparing for competitions.

Yet, this amazing, beautiful young woman is plagued by the demon that is low self-esteem- fuelled by horrible, judgemental comments on social media- or just media in general. They leave out her extraordinary talent as a sportswoman and focus on her weak point- the main weak point for all women- her looks!

I feel extremely inadequate when I am standing next to a skinny blonde with legs up to her armpits and who is covered in make up. I have learned from others that I should look less like me and more like them. Ironically I am sure that woman would look at me and want something that I have that they don't.

So I understand exactly why Becky is covering herself up- she is surrounded by people who are famous for no other reason other than for looking pretty. For being the "media model" of the perfect woman. I just hope to god that she realises that even though she looks nothing like them- she is still beautiful.

I know that there are children out there that watched her swim and are inspired to take up sport. In turn they are focusing on bettering themselves in an area rather than obsessing about how they look. That in itself is such an achievement and something that really should be applauded.

Being judgemental and being self conscious is a NURTURE thing- we are not born judgemental, nor are we born hating ourselves. We are taught that from society, from other kids in school and sometimes the adults around us. 

We need to show the kids of today that is is okay to be different! It is ok to not have a chiselled body. It is ok to have crooked teeth, poor eyesight or a bit of extra hair. It is ok to not be good at sport and it is ok if you are not good at a certain subject at school.

We need to show the kids of today that what they need to do is like themselves. Accept themselves. If they can do that then they can help others do the same. Rather than point out the flaws, point out what is good about them.

The people who need to read this probably won't care- the bullies, the comedians who think it's ok to make fun of others, the newspapers and media who constantly judge for a bit more money in the executives bonus at the end of the year. But there is one thing that we can do....

We can stand up against them!

If you see someone being made fun of- challenge them. Tell them that it is NOT ok to judge others for being different.

If you see a newspaper headline that ridicules someone because they are different- be it their gender, their looks, their intelligence, disability, sexuality, nationality- WHATEVER- don't buy the paper! Boycott it. The 50p you don't spend is 50p less revenue.

If you see a nasty comment on twitter, facebook or any other social networking site- especially if it is a celebrity- point out your disgust- tell them it is not acceptable. Then block them. The less people they have following them then they might just change their ways.

But most of all- love yourself- and others around you. Embrace your weirdness. Appreciate what makes you, you! Yes you might have a few extra pounds on you, you might be too short or too tall. You might have thinning hair or your teeth might be crooked. But that is ok. You are the only you this world has- please remember that.

Find something you are good at, that you enjoy and do it. If you want to be a writer, write! If you want to go into sport then do it. Just try your best and have fun!

Becky Adlington is the voice of many people out there- she is for me! She is not perfect but she is special, loved and is living life doing something that she enjoys to do.

I for one am standing beside her- are you?

Much Love,
Tanya x

https://www.facebook.com/FatFlutterby

New York, New York!

Hi guys! Guess who is back!

My trip was amazing- it really was. I spent 2 1/2 weeks with a friend, who I love dearly. We did  lot of travelling- including one night in Manhattan where we met up with a gang of other people we know (we all met on the same website) and a weekend at a convention in New Jersey!

I learned a lot about myself- some of it was extremely painful to hear and accept. But now I know, I can do something about it. Also I have finally accepted that I have changed a lot in the last few years- stuff that I used to do I don't- that is a good thing. But I still have a lot to work on but I feel like it's not impossible- and I have the love and support off certain people so I can do it- and be a better person.

Anyway- eating wise- very mixed. We did NO cooking what so ever! Every day we ate out. The only thing we ate at home were lox (American for smoked salmon) and cream cheese bagels and leftovers from what we brought back from meals out. Most of my dinners were things like burgers, pizza, sandwiches, pancakes....all bad! Except we did go for sushi twice- which is a much more Slimming World friendly option- albeit mega expensive!!

However- I didn't binge eat once! Most of the time I ate 3 meals and no snacking. So even though the food was naughty my attitude around food was much better! It is progress for me and that makes me happy!

Also- I weighed myself on the Wii fit and it is telling me I have *only* gained 10lb! Some people would die with that but I am really content. No body magic, eating very high calorie foods- as well as just getting off a plane and star week...I will take that! I put on over double that when I went for Canada for the same length of time (25lb to be exact) I also have til Tuesday to get back on plan and make the damage even less! So feeling positive!

I had my last 2 doughnuts when I was at JFK airport. As soon as I was on the plane I stuck to plan- had my low fat meal and turned down the pretzels and fresh orange juice- opting for water and black coffee. At Dublin airport I had a diet coke then as soon as I got home I had bacon and egg sandwich- Slimming World style! I made curry muffins (curry loaf but in muffin cases) and had them with salad.

Today- I woke up late since my body clock is still 5 hours behind. I had 2 activa 0% yoghurts to tide me over til my meal. I went out for an appointment- popped into Asda (where I worked for half an hour off the clock- aren't I nice? lol) and then got home, had a bowl of salad, extra light mayo (1/2 syn) and 3 curry muffins. Pudding was sugar free jelly (1 syn)

I went to farmageddon with my Mum, a friend of ours (who has nearly lost 5 stone with SW- amazing woman!) and her son (another young relative of some kind). For those of you who don't know what Farmageddon is- it's a halloween attraction in a farm just outside of Liverpool- 3 haunted houses with scary zombies (all real people) and it's hilarious- I definitely recommend!

I got home and warmed myself up with porridge (with a dash of milk from my HEA but made with water and sweetener) and a bag of my favourite frozen fruit

I am a little hungry so will grab the last of those curry muffins to have with a cup of tea before bed.

To be honest- being back on plan and focusing on my food- it's given me something positive to focus on. I have been getting rather depressed and not wanting to do anything- I miss my friend in NY, I miss being there and having laughs with her. I realised last night how far she is- it's not like I can just get on a train or a bus- it takes months of organising- taking time off work- and costing a lot of money.

But absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that. I am so happy that she actually wants to have me back-as soon as next year! It surprises me more than anything because she knows all the bad stuff that I've done, the icky things I've never shared about with anyone- yet she still wants to know me! I am so glad of that too.

So after new year I am going to work out how long I can stay for and book my holidays from work in advance so I can go- then budget. So that extra £5 a week I will save being a target member will definitely come in handy!!

I have a lot to look forward to in the next year- my mum's wedding being one of them- so not wishing my life away- just keeping busy and looking forward to the life I have always wanted!

Now- I am going to finish my chores off, chill out and get ready for bed!

Good to be back- I've missed you all!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Here We Go Again...

Hi everyone- I can't believe it's been nearly a month and a half since my last post. If you are are on my Facebook page then you will see the more recent updates but even they have been few and far between.

To be honest- my mojo for writing has been gone for a long time. In fact my mojo in general has been pretty hidden especially over the last week or so. I kept saying to myself "I will do a blog post later" but it never comes- it's time for bed or I get distracted by shiny things. It's like my spark for getting my thoughts out has gone out. But I am gritting my teeth and getting on with it. So please bear with me!

As most of you will already know I got to target 2 weeks ago- finally after 7 months of up-down-up-down I was back where I was. That's it now- no more changing targets- I was at a happy, healthy weight- I didn't need to be any skinnier- even though at the time I disagreed.

But lately my eating problem has come to light. It's been there a while,  but I kept telling myself "it's ok- I'll just stick to plan and still lose, or maintain" or "it'll be different this time" before heading out on an evening of binging on sugar and general junk. It's insane. I can see it. I have experience with addiction- and it's like an alcoholic swearing off booze and saying "maybe I'll just have one or 2 to take the edge off things- it'll be different" only this is food- not alcohol. I am a compulsive overeater- I admit it- but still am struggling to accept it.

The thing is- I have been getting help with that- talking to people who understand. Because there is no point trying to talk to people who don't "get it"- people who think it's ok to just have the odd naughty day. Their naughty days consist of a couple of slices of cake and a sausage barm- mine are all out binges of anything and everything I can get my hands on- which in turn makes me physically sick and mentally exhausted. But I carry on- because I just can't stop. I feel like I'm going to be sick, I feel so ashamed- a failure, disgusting, like I am not worth anything. That's what I get like.

Even though I have been getting help- and still going to slimming world of course- because that is paramount for me- I am starting to see how bad it really is. I've been living in denial for a long time and seeing it for what it is- it's ugly. But yet I still eat rubbish and make myself feel ill (never purging) like today- I was going to be good- knowing I couldn't get weighed due to plans just being too hectic- work, lunch with a friend and cleaning etc. My head just started going "oh well just have a couple of extra syns it'll be fine- no one need know" of course I had a few extra syns, and a few more, and a few more. Now I just feel ashamed- sitting here- knowing that the insanity has returned thinking "why the hell did I think it was going to be different this time?"

Einstein once said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results" by that definition I must be insane. I then beat myself up for it when I realise that I've fallen for it again!

I am in the process of working on willingness to accept that there are some things that I just cannot eat- because it sets off a trigger to want to eat like that. Cereal like Weetabix is one- strange as it sounds. There are a few things like that. I am going to work with someone who has experience with this kinda thing- someone who has suffered with an addiction to food and is recovering. I trust her judgement and experience and I look forward to sharing with her. 

In the last few months- while getting help with this- I have met a few wonderful people who I respect and have a great affinity with. I can talk to them about this and not be judged, laughed at, told that it's only "a bit of food" or the worst comment I can hear "it's ok- you can have a blowout now and again- look how far you've come"

One week, about a month ago, I got weighed but couldn't bear to stay for image therapy. I had a blind weigh in- I knew I gained big- I FELT it- and my clothes were tighter. I was ashamed, hurt, humiliated (not at slimming world just at my actions the weekend before). I spoke to one person at the group- and she told me that I could easily get it off because I've done it before. I know people mean well but that is such a hurtful thing to hear when you have lost weight and can't seem to get out of the spiral of gaining. It made me feel like even more of a failure- even though of course that person was just trying to be kind and supportive. But- I spoke to my consultant during the week and she was awesome- she is there for support when I need her- I can never fault her- not at all.

Now I tried a week of success express- literally writing everything down that I ate- stuck to plan RIGIDLY- kept busy, moved around more and I felt great- lost 3.5lb or something that week- then 4lb the week after and got to target. It was a great feeling- but then I went right back into the craziness because I thought I was ok!

That week I put on enough to get OUT of target in one week- this week would have been my grace week but I booked a holiday because I was so busy- and also couldn't face the scales- that's the first time I've done that- usually I do get weighed anyway!

Anyway the last few days my mental health has been pretty grim- depressed, anxiety been bad and just been in a state of doom and gloom- one positive of that is I have never slept so much in a long time! Early nights and naps in the day just because it was easier to deal with stuff (or not in this case) if I was sleeping. I have spoken to a few people and even though I have not got out of this mental funk- I feel a bit more loved than I did a couple of days ago. I am lucky to have people in my life who don't judge me, who don't tell me to just "get over it" (even though there are people like that in my life too) who are there to let me rant, moan and get this stuff out. And who love me for me- not for who I should be. I'm not a disappointment to them, they are patient and caring and I really am blessed.

I might not be happy but I can squeeze out a bit of gratitude.

Now- this isn't much about weight loss- this is one of those "flutterby is mad so she needs to get it out of her head so she can take the power out of it". But I have a plan in place.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

There is my nice big (double) line- drawn- new week starts now.

I am going to live in the day- take it hour by hour or minute by minute if I have to.
I am going to get up- give myself 10 minutes of "me time" to get some Enya on (my chill out music) and relax. 
I am going to plan my meals- following the "success express" plan because I mean business!
I am going to up my exercise if possible- even if it's just  walk around the park. Hopefully I can drag someone out with me for company.
I am going to share how I am feeling- not bottle it up and "pop" every so often.
I am going to be patient and not beat myself up.
I'm also not going to worry about next Tuesday- if I am out of target so be it- I just have to focus on being the best I can be on any given day- that's all I can do.

I leave for New York in 3 weeks and 6 days- I not only want to be at target but I want to be comfortable in my own skin. That's 27 single days to try and be the best person I can be- and with the help of my loved ones, my friends inside and outside of Slimming World, I can do this.

I can't do it on my own- but we can- TOGETHER!

Thanks for letting me rant- I love you all- let's rock this!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Popcorn-Free Day and Portion Control!

Hi blogees- happy Wednesday!

I am feeling positive- even though it has been a mix bag kinda day. 

Work was ok even though my nerves were a bit bad, I left on my rota'd hours, rather than stay like I do if it's busy just because I didn't want to get into the realms of the evil panic attack. I walked home in the sunshine and made myself a healthy lunch of left over quorn chicken from yesterday, aunt bessies carrot and swede mash (half a bag's worth) and some more low- syn coleslaw (1/2 syn)

I then got a message off my brother and a voicemail off my dad. My Great Uncle passed away last night/this morning. He has been ill for a while, and it is sad to hear of his passing. My granddad was quite close to him (they were brothers in laws but they both lost their wives so they had a common bond). So it is a sad day but I am glad that Uncle Roy is no  longer suffering.

The rest of my day was really good. I went to the pictures (cinema) for the first time in 7 years! Last time I was smuggling a 14 year old Niall in to see Saw II. This time it was a more pleasant movie- Monsters University (I am a great Monsters Inc fan and I loved this movie!)

Well of course the pictures usually means popcorn- right? I have to say it was miiiiiighty tempting! But my friend and I went to the local hungry horse for dinner (the usual Piri Piri chicken skewers, jacket spud and nekkid salad for me) being such a light weight I left a load! I was genuinely satisfied and even though I wanted to keep eating I didn't need to- even though I did finish my chicken and eat the onion off the side salad. But it is progress- usually I eat until I feel ill, just to finish the food- but that is not necessary! It's tough going but I'm taking this each day as it comes. I don't need to overeat. It's not just about weight loss with me you see- I need and want to stop obsessing about food. The help I am getting is really good. One day I will talk about it just not today.

Anyway- on the way back to the cinema I popped into Morrisons and got myself a punnet of grapes and fresh raspberries for me to munch on and bought a diet coke when I was there. I felt positively saintly!

I had a nice chat with my friend in New York for a bit and then decided to post this! Now it is time to get ready for my bed, as 4.30 is going to get here very soon! 

So my food diary for today: (Extra Easy day!)

Breakfast- muller light yog, 1 WW sausage (1/2 syn) 2 fried eggs, tin beans, 60g Wholemeal bread (HEB)
Break time- banana, 2 satsumas, apple, 2 rocky roads (6 syns)
Lunch- Quorn pieces, Aunt Bessies carrot and swede mash (free), coleslaw (1/2). Bag smartprice fruit and yoghurt 
Dinner- 2 piri piri chicken skewers (2 syns for the sauce) jacket spud, salad.
Supper- rest of the carrot and swede mash with 30g reduced fat cheddar (part of HEA)
Snacks- 2 WW sausages (1 syn) 1/2 punnet grapes, punnet raspberries, yoghurt. 

Drinks- water, juice, diet coke (trying to cut back) and 2 cups of tea with measured milk (accurately making up rest of HEA)

10 syns today- more than I usually have but still well within my allowance- I do not feel deprived and I am happy!

So on plan- positive and looking forward to another great day on plan tomorrow!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Don't forget to like my facebook page :)

That was disappointing!

Hi guys- happy Tuesday (even though I'm not feeling overly joyous but....it could be worse!)

Just a quick one- since it is waaaaay past my bedtime!

Today I got weighed and the scales said I had put 1/2lb on. I was gutted. Even though I have not been the usual "yay totally on plan I'm so excited!" kinda flutterby like I usually am, I was still in control all week. So I felt cheated. I left group crying- just not in the mood to face everyone.

Then I was told that I was running away from things that (even though she was right) was an easy resentment to pick up! Truth be told- I just didn't want to hear anything positive about it- I gained, I don't know why, yes it might have been water, it might have been anything or everything possible. 

I also didn't want to hear the words "look how far you have come" or "but you're doing so well". Yes, I am- and I have.....but that would not have helped with my low confidence and low mood, that's for sure! I also still get the "you're such an inspiration" line which is nice in part- and it makes me happy that I am helping others along with their journey, even just for identification purposes. But when you are struggling with your own demons- hearing that is a bit like a kick in the gut. Because I have felt like a fraud- when I have been sitting at group all positive then going home and binging (and I mean a proper binge- not 2 slices of toast with a bit of jam on!)

But I went home, talked it through a bit with a friend and then had lunch. I then made a huge bowl of low syn coleslaw. 3 1/2 syns and it filled 2 tubs- the only syns were the mayo. More on that another day.

Then my friend Niki came over, she helped me grate carrots. It was back to group after that and I was there til 7.30.

I have been feeling really depressed today, but I have been sticking with people- because I didn't want to isolate. I am overtired and miserable....but I am also feeling a bit of hope- because I havent binged or been off plan all day (for 2 1/2 weeks actually)

I just hope that the number on the scales goes DOWN next week! We shall see.

Anyway so I am going to keep a food diary- and when I can get piccies from my phone to my computer I will show you my food too!!!

So my food diary for today:

breakfast- 
2 alpen lights (HEB 1) 
WW yog with spoon quark mixed in (makes it thicker and creamier)

lunch- 
stir fry veg w/ 2xrosemary and red onion sausages + egg fried rice, soy sauce, chives and spring onion.

dinner- 
quorn chicken pieces with passata, mushrooms and herbs, 
salad leaves (fresh from the greenhouse) tomatoes, pickled onions, cucumber, 
40g reduced fat cheddar (HEA 1)
homemade low syn coleslaw (1/2 syn ish) 
muller light+quark for pud.

snacks- 
3x rocky road bars (HEB 2 + 3 syns) 
tin smartprice ravioli (1 1/2 syns), 
muller light with cherry underlayer (1 1/2 syns)

I have drank lots of water and cordial to stay hydrated and my second HEA was used in teas and coffees through the day (2 small cups not measured as was at a meeting and it came from a pot- but definitely not gone over)

Feel better than before- just going to keep plodding along. I have survived today with a cool 6 1/2 syns nommed. Tomorrow I have my fruit ready for my break in work- setting my alarm to have a cooked breakfast before I go (sausage, bacon, egg on toast, maybe beans too) then my fruit in my break at 9.30. I have chicken to have for lunch, probably with the stir fry veggies left over and rice. Dinner is going to be at the local Harvester- my friend Louise and I are going to the pictures (my first time there in 7 years!) I will have a bag of fruit and some rocky roads so I'm not tempted with the popcorn and sweets- but I will buy my diet coke there- just to be polite!

Ok off to bed for me- need my rest- to shift this headache I have.

Much Love,
Tanya x

Up, Down, Up, Down.....Nearly There (again!)

Hey there readers!

I have been just in a funk lately in terms of writing (good old writers block!) but a brief read of someone elses blog I thought I may as well give a post a go! I've had people say they're worried because I'm so quiet (moi?) but rest assured I am ok!

So- what's going on with flutterby?

Have I mentioned yet that I am going to New York? I don't think I have! Well, I am! I'm going on 23rd September for 19 days. I have a friend who lives over there, so I am going to keep her company and spend some time in the peace an quiet. Rest and recuperation! I'm really looking forward to it. I'm working as much overtime as possible to get enough money for spends because I want to spend a day in NYC to do the touristy thing- and that place is the London of the USA- mega overpricey! So that's exciting to say the least!

My mood has been picking up lately, I'm keeping busy, being kind to myself and distracting myself by helping and being kind to others- it's amazing how getting out of self helps to get you out of a funk!

Last weigh in was a gain- 4lb to be exact. I lost every week in June- with a total of 9.5lb. Then I just went into self destruct mode. 2 days I binged on rubbish and felt sick afterwards. After talking to a friend I decided to get some help with the overeating side of things. It's going well, with support of people who know what I suffer with. I don't just mean I overeat by a few extra chocolate biscuits- its a few packets, and uber carbs, basically anything I can stuff in my mouth I do- until I feel ill. That's not normal, hence why I'm getting help.

It's been 8 days since my last binge- and I'm just taking it each day as it comes!

I have been 100% on plan since Tuesday (before Tuesday but that's when my new week started) I feel controlled, not starved myself but watched what I have eaten. I have had a decent breakfast before work (4-5am starts I definitely need a full belly!) and that keeps me going til break time which is usually fruit.

Today I had my first Green day of the week. This is what I ate:

Breakfast- 60g wholemeal bread, 2 scrambled eggs. WW yoggie
Break- 2 rocky roads (forgot my fruit!)
Lunch- tin beans, bag smartprice frozen fruit WW yog
Dinner- quorn chilli, rice, 40g reduced fat cheddar
snacks- hot choccie (3 syns) rocky road (3 syns) muller light greek style (1/2 syn)

So 6 1/2 syns all day- and 2 HEB+2 HEA (the second one was measured milk in my tea.

I am going to get the recipe books out and get cooking- simple things like chicken wrapped in bacon sounds fab! I might have that tomorrow actually- with carrot and swede mash. Yum!

Anyway- I am up for work in 6 hours so must go.

Everything is ok here- thanks for the words of encouragement guys- I'm just keeping it simple. Only 7lb to target and I *will* get there- sooner rather than never!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Feeling Frumpy and Insecure (but still on plan!)

Hi everyone, happy saturday! I hope you are well and having a good weekend. 

This week eating wise is going pretty good- not had more than 5 syns each day- and it's not that I've been restricting myself- I've filled up on free food and been enjoying my syns on the likes of options hot chocolate, jelly, meringues and even eating out! It can be done!

I'm doing the 30 day squat challenge at the moment, which is X number of squats every day (with a few rest days) for 30 days. It's meant to help tone your bum and legs, which I need!

Well today is day 9 and I have to do 100 today!! Sound so daunting! 2 days ago I did 80 and I didn't think that would be possible so I'm just going to do it and feel good for doing it!

This is the challenge if anyone wants to join me:

I've taken my measurements for "before" so on the day 16 rest day I'm going to measure myself and after the 30 days too- just to see if there is a change- I sure hope so!

Anyway- so what is going on with me? What's with the blog title?

Well- I am struggling with head demons at the moment- I have done for about a month now. I've been in a bit of a depression lately. I am on medication for that and my anxiety, which I reduced when I got back from Canada and my doctor, concerned for my health, swiftly put me back up to the higher dosage. My anxiety did get really bad and my depression even worse.

I don't mind sharing this- I am not ashamed of having a mental illness and who knows, one of you might be reading this and need some identification- you might get it- that is a good thing- it's good to know that you're not alone- I know that for me, knowing someone else has been through this, through anything I'm going through- and has got through it, I get a bit of hope. So that's why I'm sharing this.

Of course- sharing crap always helps me too.

Anyway- I began to get worried when I was at work a week last Thursday. I managed to get into work, barely. I got on with my job but I couldn't even make eye contact with people and barely string a sentence together. I was using all my energy to do my job, I had a complete inability to do more than 1 thing. I got home and just sat in bed. I got a skype call off a friend of mine, Joanee, who talked to me and helped me feel a bit better. I went to bed and slept on and off. I tried to do the social thing the next day- went for dinner with a friend, then he took me out to a club to see friends. I lasted 2 hours before I had to go home. I'm usually ok there but it was the same as Thursday- could barely speak, wanted to just break down and cry. It was horrible.

After another chat with Joanee, who really had the patience of a saint to put up with me over those 2 days, I felt a lot lot better. I actually slept for a good 10 hours without waking up. My energy was starting to pick up. I was starting to feel more myself.

I've found though that I feel like that for about 2, maybe 3 hours then the black fog, the darkness, the "nothing" whatever you want to call it, it came back. Then I would be exhausted and just want to sleep. 

That's when I went to see my doctor, the first available appointment, on the monday after work. He was very concerned and told me to go back up on the higher dosage of antidepressants and see how it goes. I also have a blood test on tuesday because I am getting terrible circulation in my hands, causing me to get chilblains and bumps on my fingers (sore!) He wanted to put me on beta blockers for my nerves, but can't because they affect circulation- duh! 

But anyway- so I'm in  bit of limbo right now. I'm really struggling and the only thing I seem to control is my eating. So I'm putting all my energy on sticking to plan. 

Feeling frumpy- well that fits with the "feeling depressed" part really. I still feel big because of the weight I put on. I am now only 8lb away from my 10st 1lb weight loss target. But i feel it. My tummy "bulge" is significant to me. I seem to be focusing on my loose skin too- I'm just not toned at all and I feel terrible. It's worse when I get told how great I look- because I genuinely don't believe them. I think they're lying. Even though my logic KNOWS that they aren't. There are people in my life that I trust to be honest and I still don't believe them when I'm in this head space. I feel so insecure, hideous and unlovable.

It hurts, I have that feeling in my tummy that's just sickening. It makes me want to hide away in baggy clothes and stay in my room on my own.

But I practice opposites- I go out there and try to have a good time. I try to bury down the pain and get on with it- because doing that DOES help!.

Yesterday I went to the local Slimming World celebration evening. I will post more on this in my next blog post because it was a good evening. I was practically forced to go in the end because I genuinely was scared to go. I couldn't wear the outfit I wanted to- and the one I wore showed off my skin and I felt so ugly. People told me otherwise and that was nice of them but again- didn't believe them. My friend Sami did my make up for me which was good of her, she did a decent job. Once I got there I got into the swing of it for most of the night but I hit a wall.... I suddenly went *whoosh* and the depression came....

But I went home, even though I was in pain I did over all have a good night. Ate lots of low syn food and did a lot of body magic in dancing.

Anyway- so Flutterby isn't feeling too great- but I know it'll pass!

I have a lot to look forward to. I am going to Birmingham next month for a convention, doing the race for life next month too. I have paid for a flight to New York to spend a few weeks with Joanee, which will be great (even though she's veggie- oh my god! Green days for 2 weeks nearly! heehee) and I paid my deposit for Turkey next year- my mum's wedding. 

So even though I am so down I do have things positive going on. 

Tuesday I get weighed- and hopefully I will get ANY loss- any loss means back into the 12 stones- so keeping my fingers crossed.

To anyone who is struggling right now- with anything- depression, eating, physical stuff etc. It gets better. Just take each day as it comes, focus on what you can do in the day and try to be the best that you can be. Do one thing a day that challenges you. When I do that I feel like I've achieved something.

And on that note, I am going to go do my squats and go to bed.

Thanks for being there for me guys!

Much love,
Tanya x

Still Alive, Kicking and (mostly) Losing!!

Oh it is just outrageous how long it's been since my last update? Nearly a MONTH? Oh dear!

It's me- I'm baaaaaaaack! And I know what you're thinking : 

I have updated my facebook page more often (check it out if you haven't already- right here! ) but I just haven't really had the energy to post a long update.

This one is going to be a short one, but I really needed to touch base- get out of the cycle of not posting- I must- MUST find time tomorrow to do a proper update with how I'm really doing!

First things first- how I have got on at weigh in.

Well as you know- the day I got back from Canada I went and got weighed- 1st 10.5lb heavier than before I went. I just got on with it and aimed to lose the following week.

Which I did- I lost 1st 1lb in a week! Most of it was water, as my consultant liked to point out, and I was wearing heavier clothes. But some of that loss was genuine, and I was so chuffed to be back on plan.

Then I had an out of control week- putting on 2.5lb. I felt so disappointed in myself but I just wasn't quite with it still- I was still missing Canada and I was still very down. But I didn't let that stop me! I stuck to plan with a few naughty moments but more or less in control. Week 3 back from Canada- 2lb loss.

Which brings me to this last week. I was really determined to stick to plan. June is here- and it started off well with my 2lb off. So I want to go for Slimmer of the Month this month- and to aim to get my 10st award back. My consultant has been on holiday and the consultant standing in, Lesley, is just awesome- I always enjoy her groups (even though I've only been to 4 in total!) 

Last week I armed myself with  food diary and wrote everything down- that included the pizza and box of rocky roads i had! Usually when i overeat or have something mega syns I just go "oh well" and go back to basics the same day. The only thing I estimated all week was the pizza- I put down 70 syns- so a total of 92 syns on Tuesday- shocking! But it goes to show- usually after pizza I have chocolate- I would have had my left over easter egg at about 50 syns a pop. Then I would have had some cereal- another 30 odd syns for the amount I eat- then the sugar.....the list goes on. So writing it down kept me in control and kept me looking forward

I stood on the scales this week 3lb lighter! I was a touch frustrated (but I did laugh) I got my 9 1/2 stone award but I am EXACTLY 13 stone! Just another half a pound would have got me in the 12's.

I told Julie that I would be in the 12's when she got back and she's back next week. So as long as I lose this week I will keep that promise! 

I didn't overindulge tonight- which made me feel great! I made a syn free kebab and had that at group with salad. I had fruit and yog with 2 meringue shells and a hot choc while I was at group.

I feel in control and content! I'm taking each day as it comes and that's it.

Now I must get to bed- I need to be up for work in 5 1/2 hours- and I think it's going to be busy and draining.

It's good to post though- and I will push myself to post again (yeah yeah I know- I say that every time eh!)

Thanks for sticking with me and thanks for keeping me motivated- I really couldn't do it without the support of others

Much Love,
Tanya x

Get Off The Pity Pot!

Hi guys, long time no speak!

I've been meaning to do a blog for the last few days but my heart so hasn't been in it- or anything for that matter.

I got home from an amazing trip on Tuesday. Since leaving my friend at the bus station on Monday (actually it started the day before) I was just crying constantly and that was, and is, incredibly draining. I miss her tonnes. She's amazing, and her family too. It's hard to think that it'll be another couple of years before I get a gnome hug again- and her hugs are amazeballs!

Anyhoo- I got home at 1.30pm on Tuesday, dropped my bags off, said hi to everyone and then asked mum to give me a ride to Slimming World to get weighed- no time like the present eh??? I handed my consultant £25 for a 6 week countdown, which will keep me focused.

Well I was wearing my heavy dungarees (since my jeans weren't going anywhere near me!) and I had a huge meal at Heathrow a few hours before- I was pretty happy accepting of the result.

You ready?

I gained, in 4 weeks- 1 stone 10 1/2lb. Yes, 24.5lb, in 4 whole weeks.

I was off plan the week before I went and gained about 1/2 stone in that week alone, so about a stone in 3 weeks, considering what I was eating and after the first week or so we were unable to go out as much due to the pesky black flies, I was accepting of it.

I got off the scales and started my brand, spanking new week! All I cared about was that number going DOWN the next week! Not much point worrying and being ashamed of the weight I put on!

The reality is- I'm officially still over eight stone lighter since I started my journey so it's not like I've put all the weight on. If I thought I had failed and felt shame then I probably would have eaten even more rubbish.

I enjoyed my trip, it was truly magical and the gain is irrelevant. In my eyes, it was worth it! 

So as soon as I stepped off the scales the new week started, I planned meals, started eating the superfree and just went back to basics. I even went for long walks- over 6 miles on Wednesday, 5 miles on Thursday, 4 miles Saturday..... and today I went back to work which is a lot of moving around.

I'm hopeful for a nice loss on Tuesday, we shall see how it goes!

But- the pity pot reference is quite apt for me at the moment. I have so struggled to be back home and back in reality. I miss being in Canada and I have been so depressed. As I said before- I've just been crying constantly (ok not all the time but lots!) and I have been a wreck, my nerves have become fraught and I'm just so exhausted.

Today though, after having a chat with someone and sharing a bit myself, I have realised that I need to just keep moving. How I feel now isn't going to be forever. I need to be patient- it's a big comedown. It's ok not to be ok sometimes. We don't feel great *all* the time- that would be weird.

Last time I came home from Canada I spent 3 days in bed- I didn't talk to anyone for a while (I think apart from Marg) and I just locked myself away. At least I'm functioning, even though I don't want to be social about 99% of the time!!!

I'm coming out of it, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other- that's all any of us can do!!

On a positive- I'm getting a tattoo on Friday- 10 flutterbies, 1 for each stone I've lost. It's to recognise my own achievement, show myself how far I've come....I can't wait!

Anyway- I'm going to bed- in work tomorrow, need my rest.

Good to be back, ish. Hopefully I'll report a great loss on Tuesday!

Much Love,
Tanya x

I'm Getting Old! Time for a Bucket List (some soppy ramblings here too)

Hi everyone!

Today is my 25th birthday. According to the UK government I am officially old- 25 is the age when benefits go up and you can get Working Tax Credits. So- thanks UK- I am officially an adult!

It's kinda a milestone for me because I remember saying to someone just over 2 years ago that I didn't think I'd still be here at 25. To be fair, if I was still putting on weight and getting more and more into a rut, I *wouldn't* have made it to 25. So it's a pretty big deal!

The last couple of years have been awesome- I'm physically and mentally a million times better. I have some self worth and self love. I have met some fantastic people, made some new friends. I've travelled more and not had to restrict myself because of my weight or worrying about what others are saying about me.

I've seen other people change too. I've watched my mum fall in love with some weird, long haired, tattooed guy (who isn't totally bad....) and it's great to see her so happy. My brother has grown into a (reasonably!) mature adult- someone who I can be extremely proud of- and I am!

Not to mention the amazing people I've met through Slimming World who have lost weight too and changed their lives, just like I have.

Anyway- so my birthday.

For years I resented my birthday- it was just that time of year I couldn't stand. When I lived on my own all I did was get off my face drunk and feel sorry for myself (isn't that what teenagers do anyway??) I hated celebrations- just like Christmas. Hated it, didn't want anything to do with it- wasn't sure why people made a big deal over it! Quite frankly I've not liked people making a fuss over me. I mean, I was always a worthless piece of you-know-what.....why would people want to be bothered taking time out of their lives to celebrate with me? So I always just shut off, didn't let people in- including my family. Emphasised on the point that I didn't want anything, no cards, no presents, no sing-songs- nothing. So people didn't.

I was about 21 and I met this woman online, via facebook. She was one of those people who you really could just open up to and you knew you wouldn't get judged. I was at a low ebb and she always seemed to be at the end of an inbox, on MSN and then introduced her to the world of skype so we could actually see each other. After about 6 months of chatting she invited me to visit her, in Canada, to stay with her family. At this time in my life I didn't go out often. I became rather agrophobic and my world was mostly online. So the thought of travelling over 3000 miles, on my own to a foreign country to stay with someone who I never actually met- it was beyond scary. But I trusted this woman so knew that it was something good and we planned lots of trips and outings, I got excited.

So in the June of 2010 I travelled from the comfort of my own home all the way Ottawa, Ontario. I was surprised how fearless I was, considering how anxious and constantly fearful I was! After plane delays and a slight embarassing moment in customs (story for another day!) I was greeted by my little Canadian Gnome, Marg. I was welcomed into her home and made to feel like a part of the family. She's married, with 2 daughters who are both a bit younger than me. But I treated them as my 2 little sisters (just minus the horrendous arguements which I think are normal with female siblings, apparently!)

I had a great time but I did regret a few things. My anxiety did cause problems, I spent a lot of time in my room, which they all understood but I hated. I wanted to enjoy myself but I was just crippled with fear. Not to mention all the physical limitations to add on to it.

I was worried that if Marg saw how bad I *really* was, then maybe she would just say that it was too much and stop contact once I got home. But hey, she didn't. She must be a little mad (only joking)

Anyway- when I got back moved in with my Mum, for a bit more stability (I was living with my Dad before this) and that's when I decided to make a move and attack my weight problem- you guys know the rest already!

Late on last year, Marg and I were talking about me coming to visit again. Of course, it was something I really wanted to do- my life had changed and I really wanted to spend time with my Canadian "family" again!

I wanted to come for my birthday because I wanted to break the mould. The last few years, for Christmases and Birthdays, I've spent them at home and I have had a bit of a fuss made of me but I still felt a little awkward, I still had that self doubt and didn't like being spoiled. So I thought that a big change would help....

Before my trip I went for a lovely meal with my Mum, Niall and Jay, my Nan and a few close friends. Because I wanted to spend some time with my nearest and dearest before I went.

Today, I had a day with Marg, her husband and her youngest daughter (aka my youngest adopted Sister), Rebecca (and my other "sis", Catherine was there in spirit, since she's at the other end of the country)

Rebecca went shopping and after a while, Marg told me we were going for a walk to check out the scenery. When we got back, Rebecca was back, armed with flutterby balloons, a birthday banner and some presents. It was so lovely. There were flutterbies everywhere!!

I chose what we were having for dinner, birthday girl always gets the choice. So I opted for barbequed burgers (home made of course!) and potato salad. They even made some cute lemon birthday cupcakes!

It was fantastic. I felt so loved and I was definitely spoiled rotten. You know what? I didn't feel awkward. I didn't feel upset or overwhelmed I just enjoyed my day.

The icing on the cake was a lovely status update from Niall wishing me a happy birthday (which made me cry- the sod) and messages off my mum. That made me extra happy (and the messages off my friends too of course!)

It was a pretty awesome day. I am so blessed to have amazing people around me right now- including the people who aren't exactly here but who are part of my life.

Now enough soppy rambling, because I'm getting a touch emotional right now! Let's talk about this bucket list real quick.

Bucket lists- for people who don't know what they are. They're a list of things you want to achieve or do before you "kick the bucket". I'm going to do a "kinda" bucket list- things to do before I'm 30. I have 5 years. If so much can change in 2 years- imagine what can happen in 5!

Now- I have learned to live in the day- not project into the future. But someone wise told me once that "It's ok to plan for the future as long as you don't live in it" so this- is just a plan.

I'm not going to beat myself up in 5 years if I've not achieved everything- but I'd like to achieve at least something..... So.....here is my kinda bucket list!

1) To still be at a healthy weight and to still be sober
2) Gain a new qualification (doesn't have to be a degree- just a qualification in *something*)
3) Learn a foreign language
4) To have my own little batchelorette pad
5) Learn how to drive and own a car
6) To travel to at least 2 countries that I haven't been to before
7) To have a stable job (whether it's still at Asda, as a Slimming World consultant or something else!)
8) Write a book
9) Run a marathon
10) Climb up the 3 biggest peaks in the UK (Ben Nevis, Snowdon and Scafell Pike)
11) Take part in a charity bike ride. 
12) Enter a triathlon
13) Go back to competitive swimming
14) Sing Karaoke at least once
15) Go to a live music concert
16) Learn to knit clothes (not just squares for a blanket!)
17) Read at least 30 books
18)  Learn how to dance
19) Learn how to ski- in Canada.

So- 19 things to do before I'm 30. That's an average of less than 4 things a year. Totally doable- right? 

I picked things that will challenge myself physically and mentally. This is a good thing. None of them are impossible. That's the most important thing- I've not picked something that I know I can't do. I don't want to dishearten myself.

I think I have a bit to look forward to!

Today though, as that's what I focus on, my life is great, I wouldn't change a thing. I am happy, content, just all round ok with myself. I am loved and I have the ability to love back.

My life is awesome, I am a very very lucky flutterby.

Now- time to spend some time with these little Canadians!

Much Love,
Tanya x

https://www.facebook.com/FatFlutterby <---- here's my facebook page!