Weigh In Eve and Lovely Noms

Hey Everyone!

I've finally found time to sit and relax and to have a little natter with you all. 

First of all thanks for everyone who has liked my Facebook page- it's great to do mini updates and hopefully you'll all get involved too- keep me company there- it's not just my weight loss journey after all!! If you haven't liked the page already- check out "fat flutterby" on facebook or click the link on the bottom of the blog!

Anyway so I had a lovely time visiting my Uncle at the weekend. We had a couple of trips out. One of which was Whitby. It's a beautiful place- lots of hills and stairs! We walked up the "199 steps" to a little church. The view was fantastic- even though the weather was a bit miserable. I got to the top of the steps- not even out of breath and the thought hit me. "I would definitely not have been able to do this 2 years ago!" Sometimes the thought of gratitude and realising how far I have come comes to me. 

I've been thinking of how I've been feeling lately. Being out of control and a bit down on myself. When I'm in that head-space I forget how far I've actually come. I don't remember about the things that I couldn't do 2 years ago that I can now. Like walking, enjoying the fresh air. Walking up stairs- be it 15 or 199- I struggled with a couple of steps at one time- now I can run up 2 at a time with more or less no effort.

Even things like being able to get in and out of the bath without any problems.

Now that I can see how far I've come- I'm a grateful flutterby. I am not perfect- I never will be. But I am a trier. I try my best. I may stumble every so often. I may say or do the wrong things. But I am a good person. I have come so far since I started losing weight- not just physically but emotionally. I have a long, long way to go but that is ok. I love learning so I'd hate to have learned everything that I need to learn!

So I say to anyone struggling that is reading this- just keep trying. Get up in the morning and ask yourself "what can I do today to better myself?". Whether it's exercising a bit longer, eating a bit healthier or just trying to keep a more positive attitude- try your best every day and things will work out! I know these things!

Anyway- enough of the philosophical stuff- on to the food! Heehee.

I've tried a few things lately. But today I had something simple- chicken wrapped in bacon. Usually I use Philadelphia Light as part of my HEA but I decided that I wanted milk instead and I didn't want to spend my syns on cheese. SO! I thought "hmm- let's get the quark out"

Now- you guys- I hope you know what Quark is- because it's pretty awesome and best of all SYN FREE! It's a fat free soft cheese and it's so versatile. You can use it for sweet and savoury dishes.

Tip though- never ever ever ever eat it on it's own- unless you like the taste of NOTHING!! It just tastes bland on it's own so have it with something- be it sweetener and hot chocolate to make a cheesecake or tasty herby things to make a savoury sauce!

So- here is my chicken wrapped in bacon!

You need:
2x chicken breasts
4x rashers bacon- fat removed
60g quark
couple splashes Worcestershire sauce
garlic and cajun chicken spices (to taste)

1) Mix the quark, garlic, spices and worcestershire sauce together (if you don't like any of these use any herbs you like- mixed herbs, chilli powder, anything!)
2) Slice the chicken horizontally but not completely slicing in half- so there is a little "pouch"
3) Stuff the breast with a spoon of the quark mixture
4) Wrap 2 rashers of bacon around the the chicken.
5) Wrap in foil, place on a tray and bake in the oven on gas mark 6 for approximately 30-40 minutes.
6) 5 minutes before serving open up the foil and put back in the oven to crisp up the bacon a bit.

Voila! Tasty meal! I made up a low fat Supernoodles (syn free if it's the low fat variety!) and served my chicken up with the noodles and a tasty salad.

If you don't have a huge appetite then 1 breast will be more than enough!

Anyway- so I'm looking forward to weigh in tomorrow evening- it's only been a 5 day week but I've been in control- that's all that matters to me- I hope to lose some of the big gain- but any loss will be good! The most important thing is that my eating is back to normal, I'm on plan and I'm in control!!

Tomorrow is pancake day so I'm planning on making some low-syn pancakes! If they work out then I might just have a recipe for you all!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Fat Flutterby on Facebook!

New Attitude, New Week and New Yoghurts!

Hi everyone, just a quickie from me.

I want to thank all who have emailed, texted, inboxed and commented in regards to my last blog post. I was overwhelmed and humbled by the support and love that I received.

Before I forget- I have created a Facebook page for this blog. So I can do little posts or post pictures etc. So please please like the page if you have a second! Click here to take you to the page! Or just search "fat flutterby" in the Facebook search box. Thanks muchly!!

Anyway- I decided to face the scales after all- there is no shame in a gain! No matter how big the gain is. Like I have said to other members before- how will I know how well I've done this week if I didn't get weighed?

There is a Slimming World group by where my Uncle lives, here near Middlesbrough (Flutterby is well travelled this week!) So I decided to go there.

The black box was not nice to me- 9lb on in so may days- but it could have been so much worse! So I was relieved to have got it over and done with. It was a lovely group. There was a tasting session and got loads of recipe ideas- which I will hopefully try out when I get back home.

I started back on plan on Wednesday morning. My last blog was needed for closure I think. A week of not being in control was taking its toll on me and I was isolating. Once I shared about how I was feeling that's when I got my mojo back.

Started off well and I have been 100% since. I've been very mindful with what I have eaten and not picked as much. The fact that I'm not at home right now might be helping with that!!

Weigh in will be my normal day and time- Tuesday at 5pm. So that is 4 day left to make it happen. I don't want to set myself a big target to lose in this week- but I am focused, determined and on plan- and hopefully the scales will be nice to me! 

I've had a lovely day today. My uncle took me to Whitby. We did lots of walking (body magic=good!). We took lots of photos of the scenery and went for lunch in a lovely tearoom. I had roast beef, veggies and some mash, 2 roasties and a teeny bit of gravy (those are my only syns for today!)

Tonight's dinner will be chicken stirfry and rice. I love stirfry- nice and quick and very filling. I bought some of my favourite yoghurts today- Activia Snackpots. I find them much nicer than muller lights- but they've been taken off the 10 for £4 offer in Asda lately. But we were in the Co-op and they were on offer- 4 for £2.

I was looking at the flavour and I was shocked to find a new flavour! Why was I not told about this???

Juicy Pineapple! I love pineapple!

Do you know what's even better? 

IT'S TOTALLY SYN FREE!!!


Woohoo! Fantastic. I just hope that my local Co-op sells it too!!

Anyway- so much for a short post!!

But I'm back, I've not given up and I know that we CAN do this

Much Love
Tanya x

My name is Tanya...

and I am really struggling right now! I didn't really want to blog about this but I really need to post about how bad this is- maybe, just maybe, it will take the power out of it. I have always been told to share when I'm struggling with all aspects of my life so here goes.

I was over the moon getting my 10 1/2 stone award last Tuesday- but it feels like a million miles away to where I am right now. 

I have been completely out of control with my eating all week. Not just one evening or a day, all. bloody. week. From eating probably 1/2 of a whole christmas cake, chippy meals, chocolate, bread, more bread, cheese, butter- you get the idea, right? I find myself at every available opportunity sneaking food left, right and centre and eating it....sometimes in sight of others but a lot of the time on the sly- when people are in bed or when I'm out.

Basically I have resorted back to type. This is what the "old" Tanya, before Slimming World used to do- hiding food, sneaking wrappers into public bins, or if I had to put it in a bin at home I would put it in another bag, or at the bottom of the bin.

I see the insanity. Something I have been given is that ability to see when I am going mad. What I struggle with, however is getting out of this insanity when I am in it. I find myself stuffing myself with crap and crying because I don't want to do it and I am WILLING myself not to. Yet I still do it. I have a few people in my life who believe that everything is about willpower. I know more people who think because I've lost the weight that I have a lot of it- but I don't. I am completely powerless over many things- I have a very addictive personality- I've been addicted to drink, drugs, food, relationships, shopping, gambling......the list goes on. I am just one of those people that can't just have "one" of something. I have to keep going until I'm in a state- either off my face, full to the point that I feel sick or financially poor.

Drink and drugs have no part of my life now- anyone who knows me already knows that I haven't drunk or used any illegal substance for over 5 years. But food always is a problem.

It's so hard to control food when you're someone who can't help but overeat. Not drinking was so much easier for one reason- you abstain from it. I found it immensly hard, don't get me wrong- I had to work hard to put the drink down and I still work the principles that got me sober in the first place. But with food- you still have to eat- otherwise you will suffer from a case of mild to moderate DEATH. So I have to eat food- which I am addicted to- so I can't get rid of those cravings as easily.

I think I'm finding this so hard now because I am suffering from a bit of mental tug-o-war. People around me are telling me to stop losing weight when the reality is- I just don't want to. I'm logical a lot of the time and I know the people who told me are right to a point. I have a healthy BMI, I am nearly 6 foot tall and size 12. But my illogical side likes to shout every so often. I still think I'm fat. I don't like what I see in the mirror sometimes. I hate my loose skin. I hate the stretchmarks and I hate the fact that even though I've lost over 10 stone, I can't wear the majority of clothes in the normal shops. I still think I'm ugly. I don't like a lot about myself. 

It breaks my heart because I get so many messages off people and comments face to face- saying how much of an inspiration I am and how great I am. Yeah I've lost weight- that's a big achievement. But that is by no means the be all and end all,

The biggest obstacle has always been me. My head. My thinking. This is what I need to work on and I try, boy do I try. Some days it's such a hard battle. Some days I just can't face the world and getting up and going to work or going about my day is such a battle. Especially painting on the smile and trying not to let people know how  much I'm hurting. I've been a burden for too long, now that I've lost the weight I just feel like I'm being a pain if I'm sitting around upset, wallowing in my own misery. 

I've put about a stone on in a week. That's not even exaggerating. I wish I were. I feel so much bigger, I see it, it hurts. 

I'm hoping that now I've written this I can start again. I didn't get weighed this week- I couldn't face it. But I am going to try this week- back to basics- and get weighed next week. I will face the damage and go from there....

I don't want sympathy, that's not my aim for posting this. I *need* help. I *need* support. I may have lost nearly half my body weight but I am not, nor will I ever be, immune. People joke about having a thin girl inside trying to get out. Fat Tanya is still inside, she'll always be there- and she's dying to come back. But I don't want her back. I might be upset, hurting emotionally and a teeny bit of a wreck but at least I can go out for a walk outside, at least I can get upstairs without getting out of breath. I can sit here with my legs crossed. I can have a bath and not struggle to get in and out.... I am so much happier compared to where I was. I don't want to be back there. 

My name is Tanya and I can't do this by myself. I need my friends and family. I need my Slimming World friends and family too! 

I would not have got this far without you guys- and I am eternally grateful. I know we are all in this together.

This too shall pass- I'm not going to be beaten!!!!!!!!!
Watch this space!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Indecision, Flu and Icky Things!

Hiya Guys- I've been awfully quiet again- my get up and go seemed to have gone on holiday to somewhere warm!! But I am sitting here, waiting for my syn free kebab meat to hurry up and cook and I thought "you know what? I need to do a blog post!"

So last time I was telling you all that I was to change my target. Well....slight change (or maybe not....)

I said at the start that there were 2 people that I trusted to tell me to stop losing if I needed to lose- my Mum and my friend Chris. The reason why I relied on them was because of one thing- it is so hard to see yourself in a true light- especially after a big change. I believe anyone who has lost weight will understand this- I believe we are always the last people to see the change. I remember I lost over 9 stone and was still convinced- as a size 14- that I could still only fit into Evan's clothing. 

The 2 people turned into 3- the third being my shorter, older and sometimes-wiser Twinny, Caz. 

All 3 I trust to be honest when needed- and all 3 told me that I didn't need to lose any more- I looked good and it was time to accept my new body.

Well- of course I made excuses "I have loose skin I need to tone up", "I am still not in the middle of a healthy BMI" "I'm not skinny, just average". The excuses kept going on. I didn't realise I was doing it. Until I was in a meeting. A little voice in my head said "They have all told you to stop, Tanya- it's time to stop". Well- it hit me like a tonne of bricks. That realisation was painful, because- quite frankly, I didn't (and don't) want to stop. 

But I decided to "take it easy" not be so worried about being 100%. I even went to a friend's on Friday and over-nommed on pizza and crisps.

Over the space of 2 weeks I happened to LOSE- 3.5lb. 

That 3.5lb got my my 10 1/2 stone award and I now weigh 11 stone-something. Not exactly the plan but I am happy. I haven't had a sticker or award since July- I've kinda missed it! To top it off I got Slimmer of the Month too with a very respectable 12 1/2lb off in January.

But now I am kinda in limbo- I can set a target now- as I'm over 7lb away from my previous target- or I could gain 4 1/2lb to get back to my original target range. This week I have overdone the food already- tomorrow I have a meal at Red Hot World Buffet with a couple of old uni friends and we all know where that can lead!!! I said that I'd see where I am next week and maybe make a decision...

Who knew maintaining would be so hard? Don't get me wrong- it is worth it- I can do so many things that I couldn't at one time! But I do find it hard every so often.

But I was told that nothing worthwhile was ever easy- how true that is!

Anyway- I have been down with a bad chest infection lately and I've come out of it. I'm off work for 10 days and I have lots planned- including going over to see my Uncle in Middlesborough for a couple of days. I'm going to enjoy myself, relax, recharge my batteries.

There is a lot to natter about but it's already late- I just wanted to touch base. I'll catch up soon, hopefully. I miss blogging! I hope that my get-up-and-go is back now!!!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Body Magic, Losses and Target Changes!

Sounds like a busy week, huh?

Hi guys- I hope you're all well. Sometimes I sit here and try to think of something profound or amazing, and after 1 line I just go "not today" and go back to my Farmville 2 (yes, I'm that sad that I play farmville 2)

Anyway- I've been putting off posting for a week now, just because my head has been full of tumbleweeds and dust. So a quick blowout of the cobwebs and let's talk about my week.

I was really good this week, every single day until Tuesday, weigh day. Don't ask me why but my hands and mouth thought it was a good idea to share a packet of rainbow drops and a couple of my mum's choccies. Sometimes my body goes ahead and does it's own thing even though my head is shouting "Tanya, what are you doing? Tanya! Stahp!!!" (Sorry a little "meme reference, but you get the idea!)

Anyway- I went to my 5pm group as normal (even though I was meant to be going to support Caz on her first group, but long story, still feeling miffed, let's just not go there today- all that I can say is I wasn't able to go so it was weigh in as normal). Oh my goodness! New people everywhere!! It was great to see. I hope they all come back- genuinely. 

I lost 3.5lb this week. That's 10lb in 12 days. It takes me under my target range by 2lb (5lb under my target weight). So I changed my target! My new target is 11st 3lb in weight- an 11st 4lb weight loss! I'm 1lb away from my 10 1/2 stone award and 1 1/2lb away from getting into the 11's so that's what I hope for this week!

I did overindulge to the max after weigh in though! It was my first time since I started back on plan on Boxing Day. I did feel like a grot this morning because I didn't stop eating. So today- back on plan and loving it!

Today I actually decided, to undo damage of last night, to get the Wii out and get back on the body magic, like I did before I got to target! I did an hour on Just Dance 3, bopping around like an idiot, building up a sweat....It probably wasn't pretty but the curtains were drawn and it was just me- so it was ok! I felt awesome- I felt so healthy! I hope that I can do at least half an hour of extra body magic (not just walking) over the next week- especially while I'm off work (back in on Sunday)

I'm going to buy a 6-week countdown (paying for 6 weeks in one go- pay for 5, get 1 week free) on Tuesday- since I have 12lb to go. That should hopefully take me to target!!! 

What else is going on here?

Well- my stepdad-to-be, Arty and his 2 daughters are officially moving in tomorrow. It only really hit me this evening while I was at a friend's house. Not really sure how I'm feeling about that. I just think that me worrying about what's going to happen isn't going to change anything so I'm going to try and not worry. 

It's Niall's 21st on Tuesday, we are meant to be going out for a meal on Tuesday but I read on facebook that he's not at all well- so not sure whether we're going or not. If we don't there's always time in a few weeks! Get well soon Niall!

And that's it really! I have to get to bed- it's late and I need to get my sleeping pattern sorted again before work on Sunday!

I just remembered that I haven't coloured in my hearts for my Valentines' challenge! I'll get right on that!

I hope you're all well and that your New Year has started off great!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Chinese Treat and Starting the Valentine's Challenge

Hey you guys! Had a little break yesterday- I spent a lot of time replying to some lovely inboxes off people, thanks for everyone who sent me a message- it means a lot to know that my blog is helping others- and I genuinely love to hear your stories! So please don't hesitate to inbox me, let me know how you're getting on- I might start turning into an "Agony Aunt Flutterby" heehee. But feel free to say hello Here is my Facebook Page

Anyway- first things first- I'd like to announce that my little brother has been made permanent in his job at Asda! It's a little family affair this- mum, myself and now Niall- we just need to get the stepdad a porter's job and we'll have it made! So well done gimp, so proud of you! (had to announce it- he moans that he doesn't get a mention in my blog often, so thought I'd throw that in there!!)

So the start of the Valentine's Challenge! For those of you who don't know what it is, I made up a little challenge- there are 14 hearts on the page- between now and Valentines day for every pound you lose (if you want to aim for 2lb a week) or every 1/2lb you lose (aiming for 1lb a week) colour in a heart. 

The link is here if you want to check out the picture, just print it off and get started with us! There are 2 people and myself who have taken pictures, so why not join us? Print it off, take a picture with your progress, or even if you're just starting and haven't weighed in yet, I'll put you up here with us!

Here are the "official" challenge participants so far:

Nicola C from South Wales- looking very festive in her hat too!

The lovely Tanya L from Conwy, N Wales
over 5 stone lost so far but is joining us
with the challenge- woohoo!

And of course- lil me! Already started,
colouring in this weeks' loss!

So what are you waiting for? Get a piccy uploaded- come join us! Let's get those hearts filled up in time for Valentines Day!!

So yes- weigh in was tonight- I was hopeful- sticking to plan all week! It was a short week, only 6 days. But that was ok! I was determined and nothing was going to get in my way!

And I stepped on the dreaded black box and it noted a 6 1/2lb weight loss! Fantastic for a short week- well fantastic in general! So happy! I not only got back into my target range (so didn't have to pay!) but I reclaimed my 10 stone award and I'm 1 1/2lb under my target weight! 

Group was great- small but perfectly formed! Got some recipes for pasta and chicken, going to try one or 2 out this week!

I wanted to treat myself to a chicken and black bean sauce from my favourite chippy, but I called them when I left group and they were closed!! But the chinese round the corner from mine was open so thought I'd check it out- not half bad! Had more veggies in it too! yum yum! Weighed it and calculated 9 1/2 syns for the whole lot- definitely worth it!!

I'm in work tomorrow-2 more shifts until 9 whole days off! More time for body magic and hopefully more losses!

So what's the plan weight wise?

Well- I'm 2lb away from being out of target. So I hope to get that when I get weighed in 6 days time. That way the week after I'll change my target. I'm 4 1/2lb away from my 10 1/2 stone award and 5lb away from getting into the next stone bracket- I would love to be there by 15th Jan (Niall's birthday!)

Anyway- I'm going to head off for a cup of tea, maybe even a hot chocolate! I've had 11.5 syns today so enough syns for a hot choc and still be on plan!

Much Love,
Tanya x

2012 On Reflection

Hiya guys- I am sitting here thinking about the last year- and I am sitting here with a smile on my face.

I said this time last year that 2011 was a great year and I was looking forward to the year ahead. I started it with a positive attitude, hope and love in my heart and people around me who I love and trust.

This year- it's been amazing, to say the least. Yes it hasn't been without it's ups and downs, but the positives definitely outweighed the negative stuff, no doubt about it!

So what has happened in the last 12 months?

Well the highlights for me:

1) I got to target!
Of course that's the biggy. The thing that I have been striving for and has been the main subject of this blog. 2 years ago I weighed 23 stone (there abouts) and this year I am over 10 stone lighter. One of the proudest moments of my life was when Julie gave me my target members badge. A badge that I wear every week with pride, and that I keep on my bedside table as a reminder of what I have achieved- with the help of my Slimming World group and Julie. 3rd January will mark 6 months since that day and I am STILL there! For the first time since I was about 14 I am in total control of my weight. I still need my weekly support, I can very easily go back to where I was- but I'm here to stay!

2) I ran my first 5k
June, I ran the race for life. Not much training, but I ran without stopping. It was a year more or less to the day that I walked to my SW group for the first time, not getting the bus, taxi or catching a ride off someone. Those steps were the best I ever made- and it showed that success starts with baby steps- and we build it up until we get to our goal. 

3) I gained a twin!
April 17th- I remember it because it was the Tuesday before my 1 year anniversary with Slimming World. I got my 9 stone award and had a total weight loss of 9st 3lb in 12 months. With gratitude, I wrote on the official Slimming World facebook page about my achievement and amongst the "likes" was Carole Wright, Slimming World's woman of the year 2011. Ok I was a little bit starstruck- her story got me every time I read it and the fact that she liked what I posted, well- I was a little excited. I sent her a message and a friendship quickly blossomed. I never thought I would meet someone who was completely on the same wavelength as me, but unfortunately for her (or me!) we are one of the same. Hence why we are twins! Sure she's in her 50's and she's nearly a foot shorter than me- but we are twins! And I love her dearly- she's got me out of some real mental torments- she's finally helped me accept my new body and I am actually learning to love myself. She's amazing- and I am so glad to have her in my life (soppy- I know!)

4) I have been employed for a year!
I got my 1 year badge in work a few weeks ago. It means that for the first time EVER I have held down a job for 12 months without leaving, getting sacked or the company going bust. I moved departments in October, which was a big step for me- I put myself out there, I asked for the job and I was lucky to get a position. I genuinely love my job- I am not just saying that. It's a pleasure to go to work, even if the hours are ungodly! I get on with my colleagues, I believe. Sure I miss the people on checkouts but it's good that I keep in touch with most of them- but Home Shopping is where it is at, I am so happy!

5) Woman of the Year
It was an honour to be voted in as Woman of the Year for my group and to respresent them in the district finals in September. A scary and emotional day. Yes, I didn't get through to the semi finals but I was in the top 8 in the whole district. I am so proud- and I really hope I did my group proud!

There are many more things that I could say- but my mind has gone blank. I'm getting too old for this late night thing!

So what's the plan for 2013?

More of the same! I hope that I'll still be going to Slimming World. I hope that I'll still be in my job. I really hope that I'll still be at a healthy weight.

I am planning on changing my target in the next few weeks- only by a little bit- nothing drastic! I'll focus on each half a stone. We will see how it goes. But I don't feel the need to change anything else- I am happy.

Some people might be reading this and they aren't happy- for whatever reason. All I can say is if there is something you want to change and you have the opportunity to- then do it. If you believe that it's a new year, so it means a new start- then now is the PERFECT time to do it.

Ask yourself- What do I want to change? If it's to lose weight then you know what my recommendation would be. Most of you have read my story, heard it or even seen it as it happened!

You tell yourself though- that you ARE worth the time and effort. Something I didn't believe in at first but I told myself anyway. I thought I wasn't worth a bean- that I was destined to be lonely, unhappy, depressed, physically a mess and mentally worse. But as time went on, the more I TOLD myself that I was worth it- the more I believed it.

And you know what? I AM worth the effort, I AM worth the time and expense- we ALL are- every single one of us. No matter what your past, or situation- YOU ARE WORTH IT!

So get on with that change- why wait another 364 days to say "Thank god that year is over- on to a better year". Nothing changes if nothing changes! 

Baby steps- or even one big leap- like I did joining a Slimming World group in April 2011. That was a big thing and it was one of the best things I have ever done and I have never ever regretted it- and I don't think I ever will.

So 2013- is it going to be YOUR year?

Bring it on!!

Much Love,
Tanya x