Sunday, 19 May 2013

Get Off The Pity Pot!

Hi guys, long time no speak!

I've been meaning to do a blog for the last few days but my heart so hasn't been in it- or anything for that matter.

I got home from an amazing trip on Tuesday. Since leaving my friend at the bus station on Monday (actually it started the day before) I was just crying constantly and that was, and is, incredibly draining. I miss her tonnes. She's amazing, and her family too. It's hard to think that it'll be another couple of years before I get a gnome hug again- and her hugs are amazeballs!

Anyhoo- I got home at 1.30pm on Tuesday, dropped my bags off, said hi to everyone and then asked mum to give me a ride to Slimming World to get weighed- no time like the present eh??? I handed my consultant £25 for a 6 week countdown, which will keep me focused.

Well I was wearing my heavy dungarees (since my jeans weren't going anywhere near me!) and I had a huge meal at Heathrow a few hours before- I was pretty happy accepting of the result.

You ready?

I gained, in 4 weeks- 1 stone 10 1/2lb. Yes, 24.5lb, in 4 whole weeks.

I was off plan the week before I went and gained about 1/2 stone in that week alone, so about a stone in 3 weeks, considering what I was eating and after the first week or so we were unable to go out as much due to the pesky black flies, I was accepting of it.

I got off the scales and started my brand, spanking new week! All I cared about was that number going DOWN the next week! Not much point worrying and being ashamed of the weight I put on!

The reality is- I'm officially still over eight stone lighter since I started my journey so it's not like I've put all the weight on. If I thought I had failed and felt shame then I probably would have eaten even more rubbish.

I enjoyed my trip, it was truly magical and the gain is irrelevant. In my eyes, it was worth it! 

So as soon as I stepped off the scales the new week started, I planned meals, started eating the superfree and just went back to basics. I even went for long walks- over 6 miles on Wednesday, 5 miles on Thursday, 4 miles Saturday..... and today I went back to work which is a lot of moving around.

I'm hopeful for a nice loss on Tuesday, we shall see how it goes!

But- the pity pot reference is quite apt for me at the moment. I have so struggled to be back home and back in reality. I miss being in Canada and I have been so depressed. As I said before- I've just been crying constantly (ok not all the time but lots!) and I have been a wreck, my nerves have become fraught and I'm just so exhausted.

Today though, after having a chat with someone and sharing a bit myself, I have realised that I need to just keep moving. How I feel now isn't going to be forever. I need to be patient- it's a big comedown. It's ok not to be ok sometimes. We don't feel great *all* the time- that would be weird.

Last time I came home from Canada I spent 3 days in bed- I didn't talk to anyone for a while (I think apart from Marg) and I just locked myself away. At least I'm functioning, even though I don't want to be social about 99% of the time!!!

I'm coming out of it, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other- that's all any of us can do!!

On a positive- I'm getting a tattoo on Friday- 10 flutterbies, 1 for each stone I've lost. It's to recognise my own achievement, show myself how far I've come....I can't wait!

Anyway- I'm going to bed- in work tomorrow, need my rest.

Good to be back, ish. Hopefully I'll report a great loss on Tuesday!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Saturday, 4 May 2013

I'm Getting Old! Time for a Bucket List (some soppy ramblings here too)

Hi everyone!

Today is my 25th birthday. According to the UK government I am officially old- 25 is the age when benefits go up and you can get Working Tax Credits. So- thanks UK- I am officially an adult!

It's kinda a milestone for me because I remember saying to someone just over 2 years ago that I didn't think I'd still be here at 25. To be fair, if I was still putting on weight and getting more and more into a rut, I *wouldn't* have made it to 25. So it's a pretty big deal!

The last couple of years have been awesome- I'm physically and mentally a million times better. I have some self worth and self love. I have met some fantastic people, made some new friends. I've travelled more and not had to restrict myself because of my weight or worrying about what others are saying about me.

I've seen other people change too. I've watched my mum fall in love with some weird, long haired, tattooed guy (who isn't totally bad....) and it's great to see her so happy. My brother has grown into a (reasonably!) mature adult- someone who I can be extremely proud of- and I am!

Not to mention the amazing people I've met through Slimming World who have lost weight too and changed their lives, just like I have.

Anyway- so my birthday.

For years I resented my birthday- it was just that time of year I couldn't stand. When I lived on my own all I did was get off my face drunk and feel sorry for myself (isn't that what teenagers do anyway??) I hated celebrations- just like Christmas. Hated it, didn't want anything to do with it- wasn't sure why people made a big deal over it! Quite frankly I've not liked people making a fuss over me. I mean, I was always a worthless piece of you-know-what.....why would people want to be bothered taking time out of their lives to celebrate with me? So I always just shut off, didn't let people in- including my family. Emphasised on the point that I didn't want anything, no cards, no presents, no sing-songs- nothing. So people didn't.

I was about 21 and I met this woman online, via facebook. She was one of those people who you really could just open up to and you knew you wouldn't get judged. I was at a low ebb and she always seemed to be at the end of an inbox, on MSN and then introduced her to the world of skype so we could actually see each other. After about 6 months of chatting she invited me to visit her, in Canada, to stay with her family. At this time in my life I didn't go out often. I became rather agrophobic and my world was mostly online. So the thought of travelling over 3000 miles, on my own to a foreign country to stay with someone who I never actually met- it was beyond scary. But I trusted this woman so knew that it was something good and we planned lots of trips and outings, I got excited.

So in the June of 2010 I travelled from the comfort of my own home all the way Ottawa, Ontario. I was surprised how fearless I was, considering how anxious and constantly fearful I was! After plane delays and a slight embarassing moment in customs (story for another day!) I was greeted by my little Canadian Gnome, Marg. I was welcomed into her home and made to feel like a part of the family. She's married, with 2 daughters who are both a bit younger than me. But I treated them as my 2 little sisters (just minus the horrendous arguements which I think are normal with female siblings, apparently!)

I had a great time but I did regret a few things. My anxiety did cause problems, I spent a lot of time in my room, which they all understood but I hated. I wanted to enjoy myself but I was just crippled with fear. Not to mention all the physical limitations to add on to it.

I was worried that if Marg saw how bad I *really* was, then maybe she would just say that it was too much and stop contact once I got home. But hey, she didn't. She must be a little mad (only joking)

Anyway- when I got back moved in with my Mum, for a bit more stability (I was living with my Dad before this) and that's when I decided to make a move and attack my weight problem- you guys know the rest already!

Late on last year, Marg and I were talking about me coming to visit again. Of course, it was something I really wanted to do- my life had changed and I really wanted to spend time with my Canadian "family" again!

I wanted to come for my birthday because I wanted to break the mould. The last few years, for Christmases and Birthdays, I've spent them at home and I have had a bit of a fuss made of me but I still felt a little awkward, I still had that self doubt and didn't like being spoiled. So I thought that a big change would help....

Before my trip I went for a lovely meal with my Mum, Niall and Jay, my Nan and a few close friends. Because I wanted to spend some time with my nearest and dearest before I went.

Today, I had a day with Marg, her husband and her youngest daughter (aka my youngest adopted Sister), Rebecca (and my other "sis", Catherine was there in spirit, since she's at the other end of the country)

Rebecca went shopping and after a while, Marg told me we were going for a walk to check out the scenery. When we got back, Rebecca was back, armed with flutterby balloons, a birthday banner and some presents. It was so lovely. There were flutterbies everywhere!!

I chose what we were having for dinner, birthday girl always gets the choice. So I opted for barbequed burgers (home made of course!) and potato salad. They even made some cute lemon birthday cupcakes!

It was fantastic. I felt so loved and I was definitely spoiled rotten. You know what? I didn't feel awkward. I didn't feel upset or overwhelmed I just enjoyed my day.

The icing on the cake was a lovely status update from Niall wishing me a happy birthday (which made me cry- the sod) and messages off my mum. That made me extra happy (and the messages off my friends too of course!)

It was a pretty awesome day. I am so blessed to have amazing people around me right now- including the people who aren't exactly here but who are part of my life.

Now enough soppy rambling, because I'm getting a touch emotional right now! Let's talk about this bucket list real quick.

Bucket lists- for people who don't know what they are. They're a list of things you want to achieve or do before you "kick the bucket". I'm going to do a "kinda" bucket list- things to do before I'm 30. I have 5 years. If so much can change in 2 years- imagine what can happen in 5!

Now- I have learned to live in the day- not project into the future. But someone wise told me once that "It's ok to plan for the future as long as you don't live in it" so this- is just a plan.

I'm not going to beat myself up in 5 years if I've not achieved everything- but I'd like to achieve at least something..... is my kinda bucket list!

1) To still be at a healthy weight and to still be sober
2) Gain a new qualification (doesn't have to be a degree- just a qualification in *something*)
3) Learn a foreign language
4) To have my own little batchelorette pad
5) Learn how to drive and own a car
6) To travel to at least 2 countries that I haven't been to before
7) To have a stable job (whether it's still at Asda, as a Slimming World consultant or something else!)
8) Write a book
9) Run a marathon
10) Climb up the 3 biggest peaks in the UK (Ben Nevis, Snowdon and Scafell Pike)
11) Take part in a charity bike ride. 
12) Enter a triathlon
13) Go back to competitive swimming
14) Sing Karaoke at least once
15) Go to a live music concert
16) Learn to knit clothes (not just squares for a blanket!)
17) Read at least 30 books
18)  Learn how to dance
19) Learn how to ski- in Canada.

So- 19 things to do before I'm 30. That's an average of less than 4 things a year. Totally doable- right? 

I picked things that will challenge myself physically and mentally. This is a good thing. None of them are impossible. That's the most important thing- I've not picked something that I know I can't do. I don't want to dishearten myself.

I think I have a bit to look forward to!

Today though, as that's what I focus on, my life is great, I wouldn't change a thing. I am happy, content, just all round ok with myself. I am loved and I have the ability to love back.

My life is awesome, I am a very very lucky flutterby.

Now- time to spend some time with these little Canadians!

Much Love,
Tanya x <---- here's my facebook page!