Feeling Frumpy and Insecure (but still on plan!)

Hi everyone, happy saturday! I hope you are well and having a good weekend. 

This week eating wise is going pretty good- not had more than 5 syns each day- and it's not that I've been restricting myself- I've filled up on free food and been enjoying my syns on the likes of options hot chocolate, jelly, meringues and even eating out! It can be done!

I'm doing the 30 day squat challenge at the moment, which is X number of squats every day (with a few rest days) for 30 days. It's meant to help tone your bum and legs, which I need!

Well today is day 9 and I have to do 100 today!! Sound so daunting! 2 days ago I did 80 and I didn't think that would be possible so I'm just going to do it and feel good for doing it!

This is the challenge if anyone wants to join me:

I've taken my measurements for "before" so on the day 16 rest day I'm going to measure myself and after the 30 days too- just to see if there is a change- I sure hope so!

Anyway- so what is going on with me? What's with the blog title?

Well- I am struggling with head demons at the moment- I have done for about a month now. I've been in a bit of a depression lately. I am on medication for that and my anxiety, which I reduced when I got back from Canada and my doctor, concerned for my health, swiftly put me back up to the higher dosage. My anxiety did get really bad and my depression even worse.

I don't mind sharing this- I am not ashamed of having a mental illness and who knows, one of you might be reading this and need some identification- you might get it- that is a good thing- it's good to know that you're not alone- I know that for me, knowing someone else has been through this, through anything I'm going through- and has got through it, I get a bit of hope. So that's why I'm sharing this.

Of course- sharing crap always helps me too.

Anyway- I began to get worried when I was at work a week last Thursday. I managed to get into work, barely. I got on with my job but I couldn't even make eye contact with people and barely string a sentence together. I was using all my energy to do my job, I had a complete inability to do more than 1 thing. I got home and just sat in bed. I got a skype call off a friend of mine, Joanee, who talked to me and helped me feel a bit better. I went to bed and slept on and off. I tried to do the social thing the next day- went for dinner with a friend, then he took me out to a club to see friends. I lasted 2 hours before I had to go home. I'm usually ok there but it was the same as Thursday- could barely speak, wanted to just break down and cry. It was horrible.

After another chat with Joanee, who really had the patience of a saint to put up with me over those 2 days, I felt a lot lot better. I actually slept for a good 10 hours without waking up. My energy was starting to pick up. I was starting to feel more myself.

I've found though that I feel like that for about 2, maybe 3 hours then the black fog, the darkness, the "nothing" whatever you want to call it, it came back. Then I would be exhausted and just want to sleep. 

That's when I went to see my doctor, the first available appointment, on the monday after work. He was very concerned and told me to go back up on the higher dosage of antidepressants and see how it goes. I also have a blood test on tuesday because I am getting terrible circulation in my hands, causing me to get chilblains and bumps on my fingers (sore!) He wanted to put me on beta blockers for my nerves, but can't because they affect circulation- duh! 

But anyway- so I'm in  bit of limbo right now. I'm really struggling and the only thing I seem to control is my eating. So I'm putting all my energy on sticking to plan. 

Feeling frumpy- well that fits with the "feeling depressed" part really. I still feel big because of the weight I put on. I am now only 8lb away from my 10st 1lb weight loss target. But i feel it. My tummy "bulge" is significant to me. I seem to be focusing on my loose skin too- I'm just not toned at all and I feel terrible. It's worse when I get told how great I look- because I genuinely don't believe them. I think they're lying. Even though my logic KNOWS that they aren't. There are people in my life that I trust to be honest and I still don't believe them when I'm in this head space. I feel so insecure, hideous and unlovable.

It hurts, I have that feeling in my tummy that's just sickening. It makes me want to hide away in baggy clothes and stay in my room on my own.

But I practice opposites- I go out there and try to have a good time. I try to bury down the pain and get on with it- because doing that DOES help!.

Yesterday I went to the local Slimming World celebration evening. I will post more on this in my next blog post because it was a good evening. I was practically forced to go in the end because I genuinely was scared to go. I couldn't wear the outfit I wanted to- and the one I wore showed off my skin and I felt so ugly. People told me otherwise and that was nice of them but again- didn't believe them. My friend Sami did my make up for me which was good of her, she did a decent job. Once I got there I got into the swing of it for most of the night but I hit a wall.... I suddenly went *whoosh* and the depression came....

But I went home, even though I was in pain I did over all have a good night. Ate lots of low syn food and did a lot of body magic in dancing.

Anyway- so Flutterby isn't feeling too great- but I know it'll pass!

I have a lot to look forward to. I am going to Birmingham next month for a convention, doing the race for life next month too. I have paid for a flight to New York to spend a few weeks with Joanee, which will be great (even though she's veggie- oh my god! Green days for 2 weeks nearly! heehee) and I paid my deposit for Turkey next year- my mum's wedding. 

So even though I am so down I do have things positive going on. 

Tuesday I get weighed- and hopefully I will get ANY loss- any loss means back into the 12 stones- so keeping my fingers crossed.

To anyone who is struggling right now- with anything- depression, eating, physical stuff etc. It gets better. Just take each day as it comes, focus on what you can do in the day and try to be the best that you can be. Do one thing a day that challenges you. When I do that I feel like I've achieved something.

And on that note, I am going to go do my squats and go to bed.

Thanks for being there for me guys!

Much love,
Tanya x

Still Alive, Kicking and (mostly) Losing!!

Oh it is just outrageous how long it's been since my last update? Nearly a MONTH? Oh dear!

It's me- I'm baaaaaaaack! And I know what you're thinking : 

I have updated my facebook page more often (check it out if you haven't already- right here! ) but I just haven't really had the energy to post a long update.

This one is going to be a short one, but I really needed to touch base- get out of the cycle of not posting- I must- MUST find time tomorrow to do a proper update with how I'm really doing!

First things first- how I have got on at weigh in.

Well as you know- the day I got back from Canada I went and got weighed- 1st 10.5lb heavier than before I went. I just got on with it and aimed to lose the following week.

Which I did- I lost 1st 1lb in a week! Most of it was water, as my consultant liked to point out, and I was wearing heavier clothes. But some of that loss was genuine, and I was so chuffed to be back on plan.

Then I had an out of control week- putting on 2.5lb. I felt so disappointed in myself but I just wasn't quite with it still- I was still missing Canada and I was still very down. But I didn't let that stop me! I stuck to plan with a few naughty moments but more or less in control. Week 3 back from Canada- 2lb loss.

Which brings me to this last week. I was really determined to stick to plan. June is here- and it started off well with my 2lb off. So I want to go for Slimmer of the Month this month- and to aim to get my 10st award back. My consultant has been on holiday and the consultant standing in, Lesley, is just awesome- I always enjoy her groups (even though I've only been to 4 in total!) 

Last week I armed myself with  food diary and wrote everything down- that included the pizza and box of rocky roads i had! Usually when i overeat or have something mega syns I just go "oh well" and go back to basics the same day. The only thing I estimated all week was the pizza- I put down 70 syns- so a total of 92 syns on Tuesday- shocking! But it goes to show- usually after pizza I have chocolate- I would have had my left over easter egg at about 50 syns a pop. Then I would have had some cereal- another 30 odd syns for the amount I eat- then the sugar.....the list goes on. So writing it down kept me in control and kept me looking forward

I stood on the scales this week 3lb lighter! I was a touch frustrated (but I did laugh) I got my 9 1/2 stone award but I am EXACTLY 13 stone! Just another half a pound would have got me in the 12's.

I told Julie that I would be in the 12's when she got back and she's back next week. So as long as I lose this week I will keep that promise! 

I didn't overindulge tonight- which made me feel great! I made a syn free kebab and had that at group with salad. I had fruit and yog with 2 meringue shells and a hot choc while I was at group.

I feel in control and content! I'm taking each day as it comes and that's it.

Now I must get to bed- I need to be up for work in 5 1/2 hours- and I think it's going to be busy and draining.

It's good to post though- and I will push myself to post again (yeah yeah I know- I say that every time eh!)

Thanks for sticking with me and thanks for keeping me motivated- I really couldn't do it without the support of others

Much Love,
Tanya x