Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Enough is enough

Ok so I am crawling out from under the woodwork.... I haven't actually been anywhere- I just haven't been blogging. I just got lazy, story of my life.

Anyway- still going to group every week- throwing my fiver into the black hole and gaining for 2 weeks, losing then gaining more... just a spiral of eating uncontrollably, moving less and wallowing in self pity because of the weight i've put on....so I eat more, move less and then wallow a bit more.

The long and short of it is this- I am now the heaviest i have been in over 2 years. I weigh 14st 9lb. No shame, no embarrassment- I have always advertised my weight- it's just a number. A rather large number compared to what I have been accustomed to- but still just a number.

I am 1st 13.5lb away from my target range- or 30.5lb away from my target weight- again just numbers.

It's how I feel that bothers me more... my clothes are either too tight or don't fit at all. My physical health is bad- my neck has been bad for over a year and showing no signs of improvement and my back has been giving me grief for a few months- but my joints have started to feel the strain again. Not to mention the chillblains and sores on my hands (ok not weight related but still- having a bad effect on me)

My mental health is worsening- I am starting to regularly take anxiety meds, even though for a month or so I went without completely- maybe the odd one or 2 beta blockers when I was under extreme pressure in work. I have completely stopped looking in mirrors again. I also chair and speak in online video recovery meetings and I have started to cover my camera when I am able to just so I don't have to see myself. I have avoided going out to some social gatherings because of how I think I look. My work is being affected due to my heightened anxiety and I am just generally miserable.

Not to mention the fear of being the fat bridesmaid at my Mum's wedding in less than 4 months time. I have a very pretty bridesmaid dress that at the moment is 2 dress sizes too small. at least. I am just grateful my mum has a massive hatred for cameras- which means no embarrassing wedding photographs. I would hate to have my photo taken at this moment in time- with my skinny mum and a younger, prettier step sister. 

I read something tonight in an Overeaters recovery facebook group. Some woman said to a guy "I have a weight problem" he replied "No, you have an eating problem- cause and effect- fix the cause". Very strong words but something I can identify with. My effect of my eating is weight gain and the things that come with that. My cause- my eating. My compulsive overeating due to emotion, stress and just because I am addicted to food. I go 2-3 days then that thought of "eff it have this" creeps in.

Anyway- there are a few things I can do.....this is what I am going to do:

1) Take it one day at a time. Simple- an hour at a time if I have to.

2) Plan my food. Actually- I have done. I have planned my meals for tomorrow and my dinners for every day this week. Mum, Arty and I sat down and decided on what to have (Arty wants to lose some more weight too) we have also decided to make a pan of Speedy Soup for some meals....and my friend Niki is making me a curry loaf!

3) Stick to plan. I have an SAS log....Julie gave me them, I am going to write everything down....to be more in control.

4) Move more. Not overdo it but even if I walk for an extra 10-15 mins...that might just help.

5) Sleep more. Easier said than done- and since I am up in 5 hours for work....maybe not tonight. But I am going to set my bedtimes and sleep more...I have to...I was told in early recovery about HALT- don't be Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired....the less tired I am the easier it is! Also the longer i sleep the less time I have to think about food!!

6) Journal More. Maybe blog here daily....or just write at home in a book or SOMETHING. Take time out to journal- it always helped me to blog.....I need to be more discipline.

7) Knit more. I am doing a rainbow something or other....can't way in case the recipient happens to be reading this- and it is a surprise. But knitting distracts me...so more of that!

8) Think positive. Possibly the hardest thing- considering how much of a pessimist I am. But I am going to try and keep positive about myself and others.

I have been hyper sensitive lately- and to people this has affected I am sorry. I don't realise I am doing it most of the time, my own self pity becomes a bit like a bubble around me. But hopefully when I get back to my routine of positive action, I can become more positive mentally.

So stick with me....please....I need my friends and family more than anything right now....I don't want to be where I was 3 years ago...and at the rate I have been gaining, it wouldn't take long to get back to 23 stone...that scares me.

Bed now, more tomorrow maybe!

Much Love,

Tanya x