Tuesday, 28 February 2012

New awards and just a teeny bit of anxiety

Let's start off with the good stuff today. Really, I am really happy and of course, I want to share it with you guys (even though- it's not that much of a surprise if you're on my facebook or in the same minimins threads as me!)

Sunday, in my last blog update I said that the Wii told me I'd lost 5lb. My crazy, ritualistic weigh in this morning said that it was still at a 5lb loss, but just a touch higher than Sunday. That's cool, usually when people haven't eaten for a day or so, they gain quite a bit when the body gets used to storing energy again. So I was content. But of course, hopeful and rather nervous!

I was ready to get weighed at about 4! The last hour just dragged because I wanted to get it over and done with. But at 4.55 I stepped on the scales and it read that I had lost 6 (yes SIX) pound in 1 week! That is actually the joint highest loss I've ever had! That ties with my first week and it's the highest loss not including my first week, or the week after my rogue gain! So I was pretty ecstatic, and rather shocked. 

I will try my best not to moan about my hours as go-getter at Asda! Obviously the long hours on my feet helped and I look forward to some more hours! I'm in tomorrow, 1-9pm so it's going to be a long one! I do have comfy insoles in my boots now, so hopefully I won't be in as much pain with my feet and legs! 

Oh- this fits in perfectly with why I have a bit of anxiety.

I can't remember if I mentioned last time, but my manager did pull me to one side and check if I was ok, since I was a bit hesitant when one or 2 customers asked me where some stuff was. They have actually moved stuff again, only the condiments- and I know where to, but there are going to be some seriously peeved customers because they've basically moved them from one end of the store to the other. There were quite a few angry comments about the butter being moved down to the other end, now that the sauces have moved too...I sense that there's going to be quite a bit of anger and frustration aimed at me- when it really isn't my fault. 

This truly is the downside to the job. Checkouts is great- they don't really have a go at you when you're at checkouts- but when you're actually on the shop floor, that's when they decide to rant and rave at you. Because, of course, it's us that personally decided to move everything around and it was just to confuse that specific customer. 

The revamp of the store is probably justifiable, but some people don't see it like that. They just see it as a big inconvenience and will take it out on the nearest person with a uniform on. Sadly, they can't miss me, since I'm usually walking around with a big stick with a cardboard trolley on the end. 

Sometimes my anxiety does come back to bite me on my (getting smaller) bum. People getting irate at me makes things a million times worse. I just need to remember that they're just ranting, they're not having a go at me personally (at least I hope not!) and all I can do is be polite, understanding and help them as much as I can. 

I just really wish that people, in general- not just at work, would be mindful of others. There are a lot of fragile souls in this world, and they don't always look as though they are. There are a lot who put their walls up and try not to let people see the vulnerability. I'm very good at this, years of practice. Being big (or in my case now, just tall) makes hiding my fragility (is that a word?) a lot easier. But lots of little incidents, like I seem to be getting hit with lately, can very easily affect me and undo the hard work I've done to combat these anxiety issues.

*deep breath*

Didn't I *just* say I wasn't going to complain about my job?

Wait- I'm not really complaining about my job- I'm complaining about people being inconsiderate- that's ok, right?

Come on, Tanya. Just remember- you wanted to work for Asda again. This might not be ideal, but you have had checkout hours, just be grateful! (Yes- I am so so so so so grateful for checkout hours- more than you can imagine!)

Anyway- enough of that negativity! Back to positive stuff! *yay*

So, back to weigh in!

It was Greatest Loser 2012 at group today- it's a Slimming World national thing- but all groups have their group one, which is the overall greatest loser. I think it might be for people who have lost in the year and lost the most over all, or something. Anyway- I won!!! I kinda knew to be honest, but I wasn't fully expecting it- I didn't want to jinx it or anything! It really was an honour to be the group's Greatest Loser for the year, it's amazing to think how far I've come in less than a year! 

In 7 weeks and 2 days it will be my Slimming World "anniversary". My first one. Hopefully I'll be well on my way to target then! Not planning on getting to target by then- because that is nearly 4lb a week and that's a huge amount (and a bit too high to aim for for me!) but I wouldn't mind being very close to my 9 1/2 stone award by then. Let's see when we get there!

It made me a bit emotional before when I said how far I have left to my initial target. I said "less than 2 stone" a couple of times. But when I said "1 stone 13lb" I thought, bloody hell- that's not much! Then I started thinking again about how much I've come from starting my journey. When 10 stone to lose was so daunting and I never thought I'd get there. Here I am, over 80% of the way there- it kinda feels like I'm coming to the home stretch (not quite- but getting there)

Anyhoo- it is definitely time for my bed. I'm bushed. I have to get a decent sleep since I've got a long shift tomorrow. Need to make time for a bit of meditation in the morning as well as enough cups of tea to relax me!

I'm hoping for a good week. Week 2 of my Lent pledge and definitely determined to stick to it. I WILL get there!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Sunday, 26 February 2012

Aching body parts!!

My goodness- I have not been in so much pain in my LIFE!! I kid you not- my poor legs are so cramped up and achy. It's not nice at all!

I thought that work would be a bit easier than this, to be fair. But long shifts, as well as my normal shifts at the off licence has made me one icky sick flutterby. So much so, I had to go home last night 2 1/2 hours early because I was literally throwing up because of the exhaustion. I did have an early night last night, in bed before 10, and slept for 12 hours. I really enjoyed my lie in, since the last few days I had been up before 7 to get to work for 8.

Today I was on checkouts. I love being on checkouts. I get to sit down and I love being able to have conversations with people that I'm serving. I'm definitely better suited at checkouts, I feel at home there. Being out on the shop floor, I do feel a bit lost and lonely, because I only seem to get people calling out random items and expecting me to know exactly where it is. Because in some cases I don't, it makes me nervous and a little panicky. I already had the boss ask if I was ok, because I was a bit "flustered". I just need to take some deep breaths and maybe do a bit more meditation to chill. Go-getting isn't a permanent job- hopefully when Easter comes round I'll be allowed back on checkouts!

I have stuck to my "lent" pledges. I didn't have takeaway on Friday, saving me £4.40, and I have been 100% on plan every day! With all the extra body magic from working, I do have high-ish hopes for weigh in on Tuesday.

I can't believe how fast this week has gone! It's unreal! I blinked and there goes another weekend, Monday tomorrow- the day before weigh day! I actually had a sneaky peak on the wii this morning and it says I've lost 5lb!! Of course, I'm not getting too excited because it has been wrong on many an occasion. But how awesome would that be? my 7 1/2 stone award and my 8 stone award one week after the other? 

Tomorrow I'm meeting up with a good friend of mine, she was my counsellor when I was 18, she's someone who I'm now very close to, even though we don't meet up with each other as much as we used to. We're going to Skinni Malinx (of course!) for lunch, before I go to work. I'm doing a 4.30-10pm shift tomorrow, but since I can have a lie in tomorrow (I'm meeting Wendy at 12.30 in Liverpool, so I can have a nice rest first!) and I have Tuesday off, I think I'll survive my shift ok (hopefully!)

So I'm crossing fingers for Tuesday- even if I don't quite lose the 5lb I need (which is high to be fair) a biggish loss would be good, I'd be happy with it. So here's hoping!

Now- it is time to enjoy a hot chocolate and head to bed- long day tomorrow!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

My Plan for Lent

Ok so I'm not religious or anything, but I know of a few people who give things up for lent "just because". So I thought I'd jump on the band wagon this year.

So- it's the first day of Lent tomorrow and I have my plan all sorted.

I'm going to give up veggies and fruit!

What? That's not how it works? Seriously? Shame! Ok- plan B:

I am going to give up my chicken and (or it "in"?) black bean sauce from the chippy by my work. Sounds a bit daft and "easy" but damn that meal is addictive on a friday evening! I'll stretch it to all takeaways- no ordered curries, pizzas, chips or chinese food. Until Easter.

I also pledge to stay 100% on plan until then. It is going to be tough- but I need a push. 3rd April is the last week of my current 12 week countdown, and to be honest I didn't want to buy another one! So the closer I get to target, the less I will have to pay out for group. I might have to buy a 6 week countdown but we'll see how I go.

I set myself a huge target for the next "curvalicious" challenge on my favourite weight loss forum- 22lb in 7 weigh ins. I saw that look!! Ok, I might not get there but that is what I want to aim for. I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't make it but I'll be well over the moon if I manage it!!

Anyway- it was just going to be a quick post- turns out I can type for England! No shock there!

I'll be stepping on the scales in an hour and a half!! Getting so nervous- make sure those fingers are crossed for me please!!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Monday, 20 February 2012

Happy Flutterby!

Tanya is back with Asda!

I got a call this evening, offering me a temporary position- as "go-getter". Which is basically someone who takes customers to items they can't find, that sort of thing. Lots of walking and such. They have given me 3 weeks worth of hours and apparently there are going to be more coming my way!! 

I'm over the moon! Ok, it's not checkouts, which is the most ideal position for me, but it's still work and a few extra pennies- that would actually pay for a gym pass! Sod you, discriminating swines of Wirral PCT and Wirral Borough Council- I will pay for it myself!

Ok so I can't seem to stay focused at all when it comes to my eating still. I do well up until a certain point, then I find food that I tend to pick at. Pick, pick, pick. I keep having more syns than I want and it's starting to drive me a bit crazy to be honest. I think I'm going to keep filling in the S.A.S (slimmers against sabotage) sheets that you get off your consultant. I might just give it a go for another week. I seem to be more wary if I have to write everything down! 

Even with the few extra syns (and too be honest, it's not been that much over the dailies- definitely not over my weekly amount) I hope to have lost enough to get my next award! It's driving me mad now! It's been so long now since I got an award. That could actually be why I'm not as determined as I once was... I just don't seem to be losing as much.

I get conflicting messages- on one side there's my consultant saying "your weight loss doesn't have to slow down" and everyone else, as well as my own logic saying "your weight loss is going to naturally slow down". So from Wednesday (since it's going to be hard to do for the food I'm going to eat at the taster session tomorrow), I'm going to do a few weeks of a constant food diary- everything I nom on, I will record. Even if it's just a spoon of jam or something. Every. Little. Thing.

Lets see if I can stick with it!! I want to get as close to my 9 stone award by Easter as possible! 

Oh yes, the taster session I've make Curry Loaf. Recipe in a previous blog, go look for it. It's very yummy. I have had to make a smaller one though, since we only have 2 eggs (make that "had"). We defintely need more since Niall will be making about 300 pancakes and I'll be making a couple too!

So crossing fingers that the scales are nice to me. I'm definitely overdue a nice loss. Might do some step aerobics before bed to burn off the last few calories!! heehee.

Much Love,
Tanya x

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Sore Feet and Evil Brownies!

The title kinda sums up my day. Before that- my week so far.

First- let's get the negative out of the way. The job centre.

I went on Thursday to sign on. Because I work 10 hours a week, I was told by the crappy advisor I had (his name was Andy- if you're under 25 and go to the Wallasey job centre and get him, you might as well give up now!) that because I worked under 16 hours, even though I was earning more than the £53 or something that I would have got if I wasn't working, I would get some help from the dole. 

I go to the appointment and I was told that it is only the case if you are earning £5 more a week than the weekly JSA payment, or less. I was earning about £1 over the threshold so I was basically screwed. But, if I was 15 months older, at 25, I would have been able to sign on and get the help I needed. 

That meant that I still can't get financial help with the gym pass that I actually need, for more reasons than just losing weight and toning up.

I was devastated. So devastated in fact that I cried in front of my mum- not something I do often- once every...5 years maybe? I cannot believe that the only way I can afford to go the gym and go swimming is to quit my job and go on unemployment benefits. Considering the government are desperate to get people into work, especially us young people, you'd think they'd bend over backwards to help someone in my position. But yeah, as usual- I'm in the "lost generation".

I have tried one last thing- as an attempt to get help. I have written to my MP. To be honest, I've found her nothing but useless, but at least I can say, short of going to the papers (not that they would care) I have tried everything. 

Now, apart from that, I have had a good week- let's focus on the good stuff now, shall we?

Wednesday I met up with my old uni friend, Rachael, for lunch. We went to Skinni Malinx for lunch. I can't remember if I've mentioned that place before, but it's a cafe in Liverpool that specialises in "diet" meals. Everything they make has the nutritional info, Slimming World syns and Weight Watchers points written either on the packaging or on their menu. They make a lot of syn free meals. The food is GREAT too, definitely recommend it!

Afterwards I met up with another friend of mine, Debbie. After a couple of mugs of green tea in Brew (a lovely little tea shop) we went to an "alternative" clothes shop not far up the road. I tried on a couple of dresses- one was a bit tight but another was a really nice fit, I thought. It was a size 16 and a lovely purple "tartan" design. It's really short but would be nice with a pair of leggings. I have decided that this could possibly be my "target" dress- when I get down to my target weight. I've always wanted to wear a dress like that but always been too big- so when I get down to my target weight, I will buy it in whatever size I fit into- hopefully a 12-14. Debbie took a picture for me, I have put it next to a "before" picture to see the comparison:

The picture is bad quality but I hope that the difference is pretty obvious!

Anyway- so what else has gone on this week?

Today I met up with a friend who, except for a quick "hello" at an event in December, I haven't seen in over a year. We went for lunch and had a great catch up. It's weird to think it's been so long since we last had a proper catch up. Sometimes time just flies away with you.

I have been pretty focused all week- apart from a slight lapse today (Niall- the little turd- made the most gorgeous smelling brownies, so I had to have a little taste...of course!) But I am still within my syns for the day which is good.

I'm sporting a bit of an injury at the moment- my foot is really sore and my knee keeps twinging, so not as much exercise as planned. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow for a bit of dancing, same with monday. Unreal- tomorrow is Sunday- so close to weigh in day! Where has this week gone???

Ok it is time for me to get a cup of tea and head to bed. I wanted to go to bed earlier but I seem to be really awake and "full of beans" at the moment!

I have to be up at a decent hour to beautify myself to go out with some friends for the day. Looking forward to letting my hair down for a few hours!

Hopefully you are all having a great weekend!!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Luck and Omelettes

This week I had my first ever maintain. It totally could have gone either way, so I am really happy that I at least would potentially be in the running for slimmer of the week next week (not that it's important). I Got weighed at 1pm. Next week, though, back to my group. I  miss getting weighed there.

I did go back to the 5pm group yesterday for the Image Therapy- was really good I thought. One reason why I love my group is I've gotten to know most of the people really well. There are a few target, or very nearly target, members and they still go to group, which is a great inspiration for me!

I know it's only wednesday morning, but I am feeling pretty focused. I got up at 10 this morning and I'm waiting for some sausages to cook so I can make a nice big omelette for breakfast. I have a busy day ahead and want to make sure that I'm not hungry! Because if I'm hungry, I'll eat possibly the wrong stuff. I don't want to this week- I want to stay on plan and hope that in the next few weeks I'll pull a few big losses. I need to get back on target TO target! I KNOW I can do it! I just need to remember that all week!!

So my current obsession- omelettes.

I made my first ever one a few days ago- syn free- bacon and onion. It turned out quite well! I made another one the next day (I am NOT addicted...much!). They are really quick and easy though- which is great. They are also so filling- so come in handy when you're mega hungry!!

Things like omelettes (or, say, syn free curries or pasta dishes) make me love Slimming World even more- I can have meals that are filling, really tasty and just awesome- and I'm not going off plan or being "naughty". I can save my syns for other things- like extra alpen light bars or hot chocolate!

So today, as I said, is busy. I'm going to Liverpool for most of the day. I'm going to uni to hand in a drawing board I borrowed off the maths department (which I half forgot I had) then meeting a friend for lunch. After that I'm meeting ANOTHER friend, who I'm selling an old corset to (and hopefully enjoy a cuppa and a natter with her!) Then I'm going to wait for my friend Kate to text me. She's got a manual treadmill she said I can have. Nothing top of the range- but it works and it's free- and I'll hopefully get a lot of use out of it!

Hopefully I'll have some news in my next blog regarding getting a cheap gym pass (for £14.25 a month) which I'm currently working on. Cross those fingers for me please!!

Right- off to enjoy my day. Hope you're all having an awesome one!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Monday, 13 February 2012

Spooky Stuff (and new shoes!!!)

Recently, probably over the last few weeks, I have been thinking about some people who I have lost touch with, because of one reason or another.

Some of them I have found via facebook or old emails. There are some, though who I tried to contact but hit dead ends every time I tried.

A few months ago, I tried to find a contact email for my old Connexions advisor (a woman who really helped me keep what little sanity I had between the ages of 16-18). After calling the office she worked at as a manager, it was obvious that I couldn't contact her via her work. I knew she was near retirement age, sadly she had taken retirement.

I was in Birkenhead today, a last minute decision to go get some new trainers (more on that later!). I went into JJB. As I got to the bottom of the stairs, a woman passed me and I thought "she looks familiar". Lo and behold it was my old advisor, Sue! She didn't recognise me at first, which I gotta be honest, was pretty awesome. People say that an upside of losing weight is people notice that they've lost weight. Sorry but there is one thing even better than that- losing so much weight that people don't even recognise you in the first place! It is pretty amusing looking at the shock on their face when they realise who you are!

We chatted for a little while and I gave her my number, so hopefully we can meet up for a coffee and catch up. I found it uber spooky, because just before bumping into her, I was thinking about someone else who I hadn't seen for about 18 months, and when I went to Asda, on the way to JJB, there that person was!!

It's funny how things like that happen eh?

Anyway- on to my new shoes!

One thing I wasn't expecting with weight loss was smaller feet! I have actually gone from a size 8 to a size 7. So my loyal, amazing size 8 trainers were a bit big, and rather heavy on my feet. So, I needed new trainers, since I'm walking a lot more and hoping to get more jogging training done!

I ended up in Sports Direct, and got a lovely pair of trainers- Reebok (same brand as my old ones) for £32. A bit expensive- but since I plan on wearing them every day, I need to make an investment, as it were. There isn't much point in paying, say, half the amount for a pair of half decent trainers that will disintegrate after a few  months!

I got a bit more money off Asda for some reason- so the money I got from them paid for the trainers, with a bit more left over. Happy days!

I have been feeling a bit flat lately, the cold weather and the fact that I'm getting used to a lower dosage of happy pills are zapping me completely of energy. What exercise I am doing I'm basically running on fumes. It's hard to keep going when all I want to do is sleep. 

As well as a few blips this week, I am really not holding much hope for tomorrow's weigh in. I know I say that often, and sometimes I do need to have a bit more faith in myself, but this week has been pretty grim. I'm fully expecting a gain and rather than be all down about it, I'll take it on the chin and accept it. Nothing much I can do about it now, right?

I just hope that this "down" mood and lack of energy moves on pretty sharpish! I haven't felt this bad in a little while. I'm not getting too defeatist about it, it's all normal- even the best of people get crappy times! This too shall pass- and I actually believe it! I'm just impatient and want to feel better NOW!!!

I'm actually going to be kind to myself, rather than be negative about things that I did or didn't do. If I keep staying in the negative and feel sorry for myself I'm going to go back to the way I was, fact! I have lost a LOT of weight in a short space of time. Not many people lose it that fast. I have been pretty fortunate. Ok, so the last few weeks have been a bit poor in comparison to losses in the past- but I should focus on the fact that in less than 10 months I have lost nearly 7 1/2 stone! That is awesome! No one can take that from me!

So, today I am accepting stuff and feeling pretty positive, even though I'm feeling pretty fragile. 

We'll see what the scales say tomorrow! Hopefully they're not too brutal with me!!

I'm going to relax with a nice cup of tea and hopefully get a decent nights sleep.

Much Love,
Tanya x

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Frostbite and Curry Loaf!

Holy moly is it ever cold here! I'm currently defrosting my hands with a mug of green tea! It may only be -2, but because we don't have central heating, it's so COLD in this room!! The tea is definitely helping though!

So it's a 1/2lb loss for me. Yeah, I  was a touch disappointed, but I wasn't 100% focused, so it's deserved. It's still 1/2lb closer to my end target!

After weigh in, I just said to myself "sod it"- I wanted a pizza, and I was having a pizza. Ok I still hadn't earned it but it was something that was just playing on my mind, for 2 weeks. So I said to myself that I'd have it, then jump right back on the wagon.

It was nice, I really enjoyed it. Then I was silly and ate a whole box of meringue shells (at 15 syns for the box) so I was really disappointed in myself. I did, though, do an hour and 20 mins on the wii fit before bed, that at least burnt off the calories of the meringue!!

Today, I have been really good. I walked to asda to get a few bits and half way back, I bumped into a lady from my local SW group. She mentioned that she wanted to make a curry loaf and I realised that I forgot the ingredients for it (I wanted to make it myself). So I walked back to asda with her, hunted down the ingredients and made my way home to do some cooking!)

Now- I haven't done a recipe for a while- but here is one- because it really is awesome and you should try it!!

Curry Loaf

1 packet mild curry savoury rice
1 tin of Asda chick pea dahl (note- if you're on Slimming World, it can't be just any brand- some have syns so you have to be careful!)
3 eggs

1) Make up the savoury rice as instructed
2) Beat the eggs and mix in the dahl and the cooked rice.
3) Spray a loaf tin with frylight and add the mixture
4) Cook in the oven at gas mark 6 (ish) for 30 minutes.

This may not look amazing in the picture, but I assure you this is just lovely- as long as you like the taste of curry. It's really filling and great to have with a load of veggies. I stir fried the left over stir fry veggies in the fridge, with a bit of soy sauce and had some loaf with it- it was amazing!!

I've been really good today. I've not had many syns, and I've filled up on free food. I've done an hour and a half of exercise (all walking- but since I've got to rest my shoulder that's not really a bad thing- I've got to do something!) I've drank a lot of green tea, hoping that the goodness of the tea will flush out the system and help improve my losses. I've actually had no milk today- which is a first. I had philly light as my healthy A- with some carrot sticks, it was really nice!!

Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend for lunch. Last time we met up I ended up having a creamy pasta dish because there was nothing SW friendly. Tomorrow though, we are going to a place just round the corner. It doesn't have much of a variety apparently, but I could have salad and jacket spud. My friend is on SW too, and she's doing amazingly well (she's one of my "recruites" and I'm so chuffed at how well she's doing) so it'll be good to have a bit of moral support.

Right, that's me for tonight, I need to finish my tea and get in my pit! Lots to do tomorrow.

Hope you lot try out the loaf- really, it's so nice!!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Monday, 6 February 2012

Mental offloading and pre weigh-in nerves

You'd think that after 9 1/2 months of doing this every week that the fear of stepping on the scales would lessen a bit, right?

Yeah- it doesn't quite work like that- sadly.

I am sitting here, at 4.30am, 12 and a half hours away from stepping on the scales and I am bricking it! It's a funny feeling. Part of me is excited, that hopefully I will get the loss that I want. Part of me is thinking "do I really deserve it?" after going over my syns a couple of times this week.

Sure, I probably haven't gone over my weekly syns, but one still worries about these things!

So, going back to last week. How did I do?

Well- I lost 3lb. Initially I was pretty disappointed- because I had lost 2lb the week before, even though I was 100% on plan and was expecting a bigger loss.

After a lot of self pity and moping, I came to the realisation.... I had lost 3lb! that's nearly half of a half of a stone! In one week!! That's awesome!! I don't need to pull out the big numbers every week. As long as I get to target, that's all that matters. 

I do sometimes focus on big losses every week, I get over competitive and frustrated if I slip or don't do as well as I have done in the past. Unfortunately, changing my thinking is not something I can do overnight. It's taking a lot of time, effort, pain and honesty. But like I always say, I'm getting there, I'm getting better.

I can't even begin to explain how difficult this mental healing is. To think that 10 months ago, I thought that losing weight would be the hardest thing I would ever do. I never thought about dealing with mental stuff. I think I thought that the weight loss would actually make everything alright. My depression, anxiety and self image issues would disappear; people- my friends, family, and even people that I didn't know very well- would like, respect and have time for me. People would see the vulnerable side of me that I wanted them to see, but I felt that they couldn't see because of my outward appearance. 

Ok, some of those things are improving- my depression and anxiety are getting better, I'm getting less negative comments from people and the majority of people in my life, who were once ashamed of me, who were reluctant to even be seen with me in public because of the state of me (sad but true) are proud of me and don't mind being around me and showing pictures of my progress.

But, I still don't like myself. I can't STAND looking in mirrors. Even though I am "only" overweight now, I still see myself as horrendously fat. In fact, talking to one of my best friends today, I passed comment about my size and she said "you're not fat". Now- she's one person that I really can rely on to be brutally honest, if she thought I was fat, she wouldn't have said that I wasn't. But still, I looked at her as if she was chatting bubbles.

I still have my down days, some days I just don't want to get up. My sleeping pattern hasn't been the same since my job at Asda finished, which hasn't helped with my mood.

Now, I can see my progress, I really can. But, sometimes I just want to be at target, with a decent job, partner and generally a big fat (pardon the pun) life. I know life doesn't quite work like that though, so I'll keep plugging away, getting closer to target and taking each day as it comes.

Wow, I sound negative tonight!

Actually, I feel better wording it out, to be honest. Sometimes I feel wary about typing my feelings up, because people (god forbid) are going to read this. But, sometimes, typing it out and knowing that other people know, and even potentially understand, what's going on in my head, it kinda takes the power away from all the negativity. Even if it's never talked about- it's out there, it's not hidden, it's not a secret and there is no need for me, or anyone else, to feel ashamed about it. 

This is me, a little part of me at least, I'm not embarrassed about myself, I don't feel ashamed of who I am, not all the time anyway. I'm a work in progress, I don't aim to be perfect. 

I am though, just a teeny bit awesome. Just a little though, my ego isn't *that* big! Hell, I've lost nearly 7 1/2 stone, I have every right to think that I'm a little bit awesome, right?

Anyhoo- boy have I ever rambled, this probably makes absolutely no sense! I'm tired and I am now totally going to bed. Something I should have done about 3 paragraphs ago!!

Did you manage to read all that? Well done! Please help yourself to a syn free cookie! 

Next time- hopefully (famous last word) a more sane post- definitely hoping so, for both our sakes!!

Much Love,
Tanya x