Wednesday, 18 May 2016

Sneaking back (not so) quietly


Well hello there, remember me?


So I was debating whether or not to write a blog post. I've been thinking about it often, lots of pros and cons. Most of the pros are things like motivation, accountability, support. Basically the only cons consist of fear and pride. So here I am!

Let me give you the world's quickest recap of what's happened since my last blog update.


I am in a relationship. My lovely partner, Gael and I met about 3 years ago. She's from Toronto, lives in Toronto and speaks fluent Torontonian. She and I met in person for the first time in March 2 years ago, and after a few visits to each other (I flew to Canada 3 times and Gael came to visit my lot once) we decided that long-distance relationships are hard....so I moved to Canada! I got myself  2 year working visa and I am just over half way through that.


I got a job at Starbucks. A major change of career path, but after 13 applications for jobs (over half of which for supermarkets) I only landed one interview- and was offered the job. It's a great place to work. I love my team, The pay is ok (not as good as in the UK but I will take it!) and I am even have an interview for a promotion next week!

Nothing else really to mention

Oh- except that I got fat.

I'm not just talking about putting another stone on or so... I am literally the heaviest I have ever been.

Now, you Slimming World peeps, don't judge ok? 

I joined Weight Watchers

"Oh my god, the die-hard slimming worlder has moved to the darkside??" I hear you cry. "Kinda" is my response- but for good reason.

There isn't SW in Canada. And even though there are some differences between SW and WW there is one major similarity- the group setting. I missed the support and accountability of a group. I may be reasonably self reliant, but that extra kick up the bum helps sometimes

I joined a local group, about a mile away from our apartment. Originally it was a monday night group but after a couple of weeks I moved to a Wednesday morning group. The leader on a Wednesday was someone I really could relate to and she made me laugh, so I had to move!

My first weigh in, I was 347.6lb. In real, British money that's 24st 9.6lb. I started SW in 2011 at 22st 7lb so in the space of just a couple of years I literally doubled my body weight.

Well, in my first week I lost, like, 11lb, which was crazy. Sadly that did not keep me motivated and I just kept fluctuating. So between mid feb and now, I have lost a total of 19.8lb. Better than a kick in the teeth, but I know I can, and will, do better.

Gael got me a cute little fitbit for my birthday. It has made me uber competitive. There are competitions between friends during the week and that has motivated me to walk more. I walked home from work for the first time last week (2 miles, I nearly died!) and now I am finding walking easier. I lost 2.4lb this week  and I really felt like I did a great job.

So anyway, I didn't want to do a long post tonight. Just a start. There's a lot to catch up on, and a lot to focus on in the near future.

I hope some of you are still on this journey with me. I definitely need some support. I missed my blogees!!

So until next time (maybe tomorrow)

Much love,
Tanya x

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Enough is enough

Ok so I am crawling out from under the woodwork.... I haven't actually been anywhere- I just haven't been blogging. I just got lazy, story of my life.

Anyway- still going to group every week- throwing my fiver into the black hole and gaining for 2 weeks, losing then gaining more... just a spiral of eating uncontrollably, moving less and wallowing in self pity because of the weight i've put on....so I eat more, move less and then wallow a bit more.

The long and short of it is this- I am now the heaviest i have been in over 2 years. I weigh 14st 9lb. No shame, no embarrassment- I have always advertised my weight- it's just a number. A rather large number compared to what I have been accustomed to- but still just a number.

I am 1st 13.5lb away from my target range- or 30.5lb away from my target weight- again just numbers.

It's how I feel that bothers me more... my clothes are either too tight or don't fit at all. My physical health is bad- my neck has been bad for over a year and showing no signs of improvement and my back has been giving me grief for a few months- but my joints have started to feel the strain again. Not to mention the chillblains and sores on my hands (ok not weight related but still- having a bad effect on me)

My mental health is worsening- I am starting to regularly take anxiety meds, even though for a month or so I went without completely- maybe the odd one or 2 beta blockers when I was under extreme pressure in work. I have completely stopped looking in mirrors again. I also chair and speak in online video recovery meetings and I have started to cover my camera when I am able to just so I don't have to see myself. I have avoided going out to some social gatherings because of how I think I look. My work is being affected due to my heightened anxiety and I am just generally miserable.

Not to mention the fear of being the fat bridesmaid at my Mum's wedding in less than 4 months time. I have a very pretty bridesmaid dress that at the moment is 2 dress sizes too small. at least. I am just grateful my mum has a massive hatred for cameras- which means no embarrassing wedding photographs. I would hate to have my photo taken at this moment in time- with my skinny mum and a younger, prettier step sister. 

I read something tonight in an Overeaters recovery facebook group. Some woman said to a guy "I have a weight problem" he replied "No, you have an eating problem- cause and effect- fix the cause". Very strong words but something I can identify with. My effect of my eating is weight gain and the things that come with that. My cause- my eating. My compulsive overeating due to emotion, stress and just because I am addicted to food. I go 2-3 days then that thought of "eff it have this" creeps in.

Anyway- there are a few things I can do.....this is what I am going to do:

1) Take it one day at a time. Simple- an hour at a time if I have to.

2) Plan my food. Actually- I have done. I have planned my meals for tomorrow and my dinners for every day this week. Mum, Arty and I sat down and decided on what to have (Arty wants to lose some more weight too) we have also decided to make a pan of Speedy Soup for some meals....and my friend Niki is making me a curry loaf!

3) Stick to plan. I have an SAS log....Julie gave me them, I am going to write everything down....to be more in control.

4) Move more. Not overdo it but even if I walk for an extra 10-15 mins...that might just help.

5) Sleep more. Easier said than done- and since I am up in 5 hours for work....maybe not tonight. But I am going to set my bedtimes and sleep more...I have to...I was told in early recovery about HALT- don't be Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired....the less tired I am the easier it is! Also the longer i sleep the less time I have to think about food!!

6) Journal More. Maybe blog here daily....or just write at home in a book or SOMETHING. Take time out to journal- it always helped me to blog.....I need to be more discipline.

7) Knit more. I am doing a rainbow something or other....can't way in case the recipient happens to be reading this- and it is a surprise. But knitting distracts me...so more of that!

8) Think positive. Possibly the hardest thing- considering how much of a pessimist I am. But I am going to try and keep positive about myself and others.

I have been hyper sensitive lately- and to people this has affected I am sorry. I don't realise I am doing it most of the time, my own self pity becomes a bit like a bubble around me. But hopefully when I get back to my routine of positive action, I can become more positive mentally.

So stick with me....please....I need my friends and family more than anything right now....I don't want to be where I was 3 years ago...and at the rate I have been gaining, it wouldn't take long to get back to 23 stone...that scares me.

Bed now, more tomorrow maybe!

Much Love,

Tanya x

Saturday, 23 November 2013

Why We Need To Stick Up For The Becky Adlingtons Out There!

I am a regular, normal person. I am not a beauty queen, hot shot lawyer or olympian. Nor do I hold some kind of world record. 

I am a 25 year old woman who works in a supermarket. I have loose skin, my body hair is dark and grows WAY too fast and my IQ is a little above average. 

In the last 25 years I have been bullied for many different things- for wearing glasses, for being fat, for being tall, for being gay, for being left handed, for having reasonably bushy eyebrows and for having an anxiety disorder. I have had it pointed out for 25 years that I do not fit the "norm" of what the media portrays what I should be like. I do not look like a model, I have not got a "perfect" body (whatever one of those are!) and I have been ridiculed over something because of that!

I have started to accept my body a bit more- it has been through a lot in the last 2 1/2 years- losing 10 stone then yo-yoing with the odd 10-15lb. Trying to curb an eating disorder and trying to actually like myself. I am getting there- one day at a time- but I still get comments from people who don't know any better- I still get called "fat" even though I am a healthy weight for my height. 

This is something that has bothering me for a while, why people insist on portraying the "perfect" person and why we have to somehow fit that ideal or where are labelled as freaks. But also the people who allow that ideal to grow, the people who bully others for being different.

The reason why I am writing this is because I read the story about olympic swimmer, Rebecca Adlington- a tally of gold medals, world records and an all round awesome person. Someone who is respected by many for her athleticism, tenacity and ability to inspire generations into getting into the pool. As an ex-competitive swimmer I look up to her, I know how much effort goes into training and preparing for competitions.

Yet, this amazing, beautiful young woman is plagued by the demon that is low self-esteem- fuelled by horrible, judgemental comments on social media- or just media in general. They leave out her extraordinary talent as a sportswoman and focus on her weak point- the main weak point for all women- her looks!

I feel extremely inadequate when I am standing next to a skinny blonde with legs up to her armpits and who is covered in make up. I have learned from others that I should look less like me and more like them. Ironically I am sure that woman would look at me and want something that I have that they don't.

So I understand exactly why Becky is covering herself up- she is surrounded by people who are famous for no other reason other than for looking pretty. For being the "media model" of the perfect woman. I just hope to god that she realises that even though she looks nothing like them- she is still beautiful.

I know that there are children out there that watched her swim and are inspired to take up sport. In turn they are focusing on bettering themselves in an area rather than obsessing about how they look. That in itself is such an achievement and something that really should be applauded.

Being judgemental and being self conscious is a NURTURE thing- we are not born judgemental, nor are we born hating ourselves. We are taught that from society, from other kids in school and sometimes the adults around us. 


We need to show the kids of today that is is okay to be different! It is ok to not have a chiselled body. It is ok to have crooked teeth, poor eyesight or a bit of extra hair. It is ok to not be good at sport and it is ok if you are not good at a certain subject at school.

We need to show the kids of today that what they need to do is like themselves. Accept themselves. If they can do that then they can help others do the same. Rather than point out the flaws, point out what is good about them.

The people who need to read this probably won't care- the bullies, the comedians who think it's ok to make fun of others, the newspapers and media who constantly judge for a bit more money in the executives bonus at the end of the year. But there is one thing that we can do....

We can stand up against them!

If you see someone being made fun of- challenge them. Tell them that it is NOT ok to judge others for being different.

If you see a newspaper headline that ridicules someone because they are different- be it their gender, their looks, their intelligence, disability, sexuality, nationality- WHATEVER- don't buy the paper! Boycott it. The 50p you don't spend is 50p less revenue.

If you see a nasty comment on twitter, facebook or any other social networking site- especially if it is a celebrity- point out your disgust- tell them it is not acceptable. Then block them. The less people they have following them then they might just change their ways.

But most of all- love yourself- and others around you. Embrace your weirdness. Appreciate what makes you, you! Yes you might have a few extra pounds on you, you might be too short or too tall. You might have thinning hair or your teeth might be crooked. But that is ok. You are the only you this world has- please remember that.


Find something you are good at, that you enjoy and do it. If you want to be a writer, write! If you want to go into sport then do it. Just try your best and have fun!

Becky Adlington is the voice of many people out there- she is for me! She is not perfect but she is special, loved and is living life doing something that she enjoys to do.

I for one am standing beside her- are you?

Much Love,
Tanya x

https://www.facebook.com/FatFlutterby

Saturday, 12 October 2013

New York, New York!

Hi guys! Guess who is back!

My trip was amazing- it really was. I spent 2 1/2 weeks with a friend, who I love dearly. We did  lot of travelling- including one night in Manhattan where we met up with a gang of other people we know (we all met on the same website) and a weekend at a convention in New Jersey!

I learned a lot about myself- some of it was extremely painful to hear and accept. But now I know, I can do something about it. Also I have finally accepted that I have changed a lot in the last few years- stuff that I used to do I don't- that is a good thing. But I still have a lot to work on but I feel like it's not impossible- and I have the love and support off certain people so I can do it- and be a better person.

Anyway- eating wise- very mixed. We did NO cooking what so ever! Every day we ate out. The only thing we ate at home were lox (American for smoked salmon) and cream cheese bagels and leftovers from what we brought back from meals out. Most of my dinners were things like burgers, pizza, sandwiches, pancakes....all bad! Except we did go for sushi twice- which is a much more Slimming World friendly option- albeit mega expensive!!

However- I didn't binge eat once! Most of the time I ate 3 meals and no snacking. So even though the food was naughty my attitude around food was much better! It is progress for me and that makes me happy!

Also- I weighed myself on the Wii fit and it is telling me I have *only* gained 10lb! Some people would die with that but I am really content. No body magic, eating very high calorie foods- as well as just getting off a plane and star week...I will take that! I put on over double that when I went for Canada for the same length of time (25lb to be exact) I also have til Tuesday to get back on plan and make the damage even less! So feeling positive!

I had my last 2 doughnuts when I was at JFK airport. As soon as I was on the plane I stuck to plan- had my low fat meal and turned down the pretzels and fresh orange juice- opting for water and black coffee. At Dublin airport I had a diet coke then as soon as I got home I had bacon and egg sandwich- Slimming World style! I made curry muffins (curry loaf but in muffin cases) and had them with salad.

Today- I woke up late since my body clock is still 5 hours behind. I had 2 activa 0% yoghurts to tide me over til my meal. I went out for an appointment- popped into Asda (where I worked for half an hour off the clock- aren't I nice? lol) and then got home, had a bowl of salad, extra light mayo (1/2 syn) and 3 curry muffins. Pudding was sugar free jelly (1 syn)

I went to farmageddon with my Mum, a friend of ours (who has nearly lost 5 stone with SW- amazing woman!) and her son (another young relative of some kind). For those of you who don't know what Farmageddon is- it's a halloween attraction in a farm just outside of Liverpool- 3 haunted houses with scary zombies (all real people) and it's hilarious- I definitely recommend!

I got home and warmed myself up with porridge (with a dash of milk from my HEA but made with water and sweetener) and a bag of my favourite frozen fruit

I am a little hungry so will grab the last of those curry muffins to have with a cup of tea before bed.

To be honest- being back on plan and focusing on my food- it's given me something positive to focus on. I have been getting rather depressed and not wanting to do anything- I miss my friend in NY, I miss being there and having laughs with her. I realised last night how far she is- it's not like I can just get on a train or a bus- it takes months of organising- taking time off work- and costing a lot of money.

But absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that. I am so happy that she actually wants to have me back-as soon as next year! It surprises me more than anything because she knows all the bad stuff that I've done, the icky things I've never shared about with anyone- yet she still wants to know me! I am so glad of that too.

So after new year I am going to work out how long I can stay for and book my holidays from work in advance so I can go- then budget. So that extra £5 a week I will save being a target member will definitely come in handy!!

I have a lot to look forward to in the next year- my mum's wedding being one of them- so not wishing my life away- just keeping busy and looking forward to the life I have always wanted!

Now- I am going to finish my chores off, chill out and get ready for bed!

Good to be back- I've missed you all!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Here We Go Again...

Hi everyone- I can't believe it's been nearly a month and a half since my last post. If you are are on my Facebook page then you will see the more recent updates but even they have been few and far between.

To be honest- my mojo for writing has been gone for a long time. In fact my mojo in general has been pretty hidden especially over the last week or so. I kept saying to myself "I will do a blog post later" but it never comes- it's time for bed or I get distracted by shiny things. It's like my spark for getting my thoughts out has gone out. But I am gritting my teeth and getting on with it. So please bear with me!

As most of you will already know I got to target 2 weeks ago- finally after 7 months of up-down-up-down I was back where I was. That's it now- no more changing targets- I was at a happy, healthy weight- I didn't need to be any skinnier- even though at the time I disagreed.

But lately my eating problem has come to light. It's been there a while,  but I kept telling myself "it's ok- I'll just stick to plan and still lose, or maintain" or "it'll be different this time" before heading out on an evening of binging on sugar and general junk. It's insane. I can see it. I have experience with addiction- and it's like an alcoholic swearing off booze and saying "maybe I'll just have one or 2 to take the edge off things- it'll be different" only this is food- not alcohol. I am a compulsive overeater- I admit it- but still am struggling to accept it.

The thing is- I have been getting help with that- talking to people who understand. Because there is no point trying to talk to people who don't "get it"- people who think it's ok to just have the odd naughty day. Their naughty days consist of a couple of slices of cake and a sausage barm- mine are all out binges of anything and everything I can get my hands on- which in turn makes me physically sick and mentally exhausted. But I carry on- because I just can't stop. I feel like I'm going to be sick, I feel so ashamed- a failure, disgusting, like I am not worth anything. That's what I get like.


Even though I have been getting help- and still going to slimming world of course- because that is paramount for me- I am starting to see how bad it really is. I've been living in denial for a long time and seeing it for what it is- it's ugly. But yet I still eat rubbish and make myself feel ill (never purging) like today- I was going to be good- knowing I couldn't get weighed due to plans just being too hectic- work, lunch with a friend and cleaning etc. My head just started going "oh well just have a couple of extra syns it'll be fine- no one need know" of course I had a few extra syns, and a few more, and a few more. Now I just feel ashamed- sitting here- knowing that the insanity has returned thinking "why the hell did I think it was going to be different this time?"

Einstein once said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results" by that definition I must be insane. I then beat myself up for it when I realise that I've fallen for it again!

I am in the process of working on willingness to accept that there are some things that I just cannot eat- because it sets off a trigger to want to eat like that. Cereal like Weetabix is one- strange as it sounds. There are a few things like that. I am going to work with someone who has experience with this kinda thing- someone who has suffered with an addiction to food and is recovering. I trust her judgement and experience and I look forward to sharing with her. 

In the last few months- while getting help with this- I have met a few wonderful people who I respect and have a great affinity with. I can talk to them about this and not be judged, laughed at, told that it's only "a bit of food" or the worst comment I can hear "it's ok- you can have a blowout now and again- look how far you've come"

One week, about a month ago, I got weighed but couldn't bear to stay for image therapy. I had a blind weigh in- I knew I gained big- I FELT it- and my clothes were tighter. I was ashamed, hurt, humiliated (not at slimming world just at my actions the weekend before). I spoke to one person at the group- and she told me that I could easily get it off because I've done it before. I know people mean well but that is such a hurtful thing to hear when you have lost weight and can't seem to get out of the spiral of gaining. It made me feel like even more of a failure- even though of course that person was just trying to be kind and supportive. But- I spoke to my consultant during the week and she was awesome- she is there for support when I need her- I can never fault her- not at all.

Now I tried a week of success express- literally writing everything down that I ate- stuck to plan RIGIDLY- kept busy, moved around more and I felt great- lost 3.5lb or something that week- then 4lb the week after and got to target. It was a great feeling- but then I went right back into the craziness because I thought I was ok!

That week I put on enough to get OUT of target in one week- this week would have been my grace week but I booked a holiday because I was so busy- and also couldn't face the scales- that's the first time I've done that- usually I do get weighed anyway!

Anyway the last few days my mental health has been pretty grim- depressed, anxiety been bad and just been in a state of doom and gloom- one positive of that is I have never slept so much in a long time! Early nights and naps in the day just because it was easier to deal with stuff (or not in this case) if I was sleeping. I have spoken to a few people and even though I have not got out of this mental funk- I feel a bit more loved than I did a couple of days ago. I am lucky to have people in my life who don't judge me, who don't tell me to just "get over it" (even though there are people like that in my life too) who are there to let me rant, moan and get this stuff out. And who love me for me- not for who I should be. I'm not a disappointment to them, they are patient and caring and I really am blessed.

I might not be happy but I can squeeze out a bit of gratitude.

Now- this isn't much about weight loss- this is one of those "flutterby is mad so she needs to get it out of her head so she can take the power out of it". But I have a plan in place.


______________________________________________________________________________________________

There is my nice big (double) line- drawn- new week starts now.

I am going to live in the day- take it hour by hour or minute by minute if I have to.

I am going to get up- give myself 10 minutes of "me time" to get some Enya on (my chill out music) and relax. 
I am going to plan my meals- following the "success express" plan because I mean business!
I am going to up my exercise if possible- even if it's just  walk around the park. Hopefully I can drag someone out with me for company.
I am going to share how I am feeling- not bottle it up and "pop" every so often.
I am going to be patient and not beat myself up.
I'm also not going to worry about next Tuesday- if I am out of target so be it- I just have to focus on being the best I can be on any given day- that's all I can do.

I leave for New York in 3 weeks and 6 days- I not only want to be at target but I want to be comfortable in my own skin. That's 27 single days to try and be the best person I can be- and with the help of my loved ones, my friends inside and outside of Slimming World, I can do this.

I can't do it on my own- but we can- TOGETHER!


Thanks for letting me rant- I love you all- let's rock this!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Popcorn-Free Day and Portion Control!

Hi blogees- happy Wednesday!

I am feeling positive- even though it has been a mix bag kinda day. 


Work was ok even though my nerves were a bit bad, I left on my rota'd hours, rather than stay like I do if it's busy just because I didn't want to get into the realms of the evil panic attack. I walked home in the sunshine and made myself a healthy lunch of left over quorn chicken from yesterday, aunt bessies carrot and swede mash (half a bag's worth) and some more low- syn coleslaw (1/2 syn)

I then got a message off my brother and a voicemail off my dad. My Great Uncle passed away last night/this morning. He has been ill for a while, and it is sad to hear of his passing. My granddad was quite close to him (they were brothers in laws but they both lost their wives so they had a common bond). So it is a sad day but I am glad that Uncle Roy is no  longer suffering.

The rest of my day was really good. I went to the pictures (cinema) for the first time in 7 years! Last time I was smuggling a 14 year old Niall in to see Saw II. This time it was a more pleasant movie- Monsters University (I am a great Monsters Inc fan and I loved this movie!)

Well of course the pictures usually means popcorn- right? I have to say it was miiiiiighty tempting! But my friend and I went to the local hungry horse for dinner (the usual Piri Piri chicken skewers, jacket spud and nekkid salad for me) being such a light weight I left a load! I was genuinely satisfied and even though I wanted to keep eating I didn't need to- even though I did finish my chicken and eat the onion off the side salad. But it is progress- usually I eat until I feel ill, just to finish the food- but that is not necessary! It's tough going but I'm taking this each day as it comes. I don't need to overeat. It's not just about weight loss with me you see- I need and want to stop obsessing about food. The help I am getting is really good. One day I will talk about it just not today.

Anyway- on the way back to the cinema I popped into Morrisons and got myself a punnet of grapes and fresh raspberries for me to munch on and bought a diet coke when I was there. I felt positively saintly!

I had a nice chat with my friend in New York for a bit and then decided to post this! Now it is time to get ready for my bed, as 4.30 is going to get here very soon! 

So my food diary for today: (Extra Easy day!)

Breakfast- muller light yog, 1 WW sausage (1/2 syn) 2 fried eggs, tin beans, 60g Wholemeal bread (HEB)
Break time- banana, 2 satsumas, apple, 2 rocky roads (6 syns)
Lunch- Quorn pieces, Aunt Bessies carrot and swede mash (free), coleslaw (1/2). Bag smartprice fruit and yoghurt 

Dinner- 2 piri piri chicken skewers (2 syns for the sauce) jacket spud, salad.
Supper- rest of the carrot and swede mash with 30g reduced fat cheddar (part of HEA)
Snacks- 2 WW sausages (1 syn) 1/2 punnet grapes, punnet raspberries, yoghurt. 

Drinks- water, juice, diet coke (trying to cut back) and 2 cups of tea with measured milk (accurately making up rest of HEA)

10 syns today- more than I usually have but still well within my allowance- I do not feel deprived and I am happy!

So on plan- positive and looking forward to another great day on plan tomorrow!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Don't forget to like my facebook page :)

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

That was disappointing!

Hi guys- happy Tuesday (even though I'm not feeling overly joyous but....it could be worse!)

Just a quick one- since it is waaaaay past my bedtime!

Today I got weighed and the scales said I had put 1/2lb on. I was gutted. Even though I have not been the usual "yay totally on plan I'm so excited!" kinda flutterby like I usually am, I was still in control all week. So I felt cheated. I left group crying- just not in the mood to face everyone.

Then I was told that I was running away from things that (even though she was right) was an easy resentment to pick up! Truth be told- I just didn't want to hear anything positive about it- I gained, I don't know why, yes it might have been water, it might have been anything or everything possible. 


I also didn't want to hear the words "look how far you have come" or "but you're doing so well". Yes, I am- and I have.....but that would not have helped with my low confidence and low mood, that's for sure! I also still get the "you're such an inspiration" line which is nice in part- and it makes me happy that I am helping others along with their journey, even just for identification purposes. But when you are struggling with your own demons- hearing that is a bit like a kick in the gut. Because I have felt like a fraud- when I have been sitting at group all positive then going home and binging (and I mean a proper binge- not 2 slices of toast with a bit of jam on!)

But I went home, talked it through a bit with a friend and then had lunch. I then made a huge bowl of low syn coleslaw. 3 1/2 syns and it filled 2 tubs- the only syns were the mayo. More on that another day.

Then my friend Niki came over, she helped me grate carrots. It was back to group after that and I was there til 7.30.

I have been feeling really depressed today, but I have been sticking with people- because I didn't want to isolate. I am overtired and miserable....but I am also feeling a bit of hope- because I havent binged or been off plan all day (for 2 1/2 weeks actually)

I just hope that the number on the scales goes DOWN next week! We shall see.


Anyway so I am going to keep a food diary- and when I can get piccies from my phone to my computer I will show you my food too!!!


So my food diary for today:

breakfast- 
2 alpen lights (HEB 1) 
WW yog with spoon quark mixed in (makes it thicker and creamier)

lunch- 
stir fry veg w/ 2xrosemary and red onion sausages + egg fried rice, soy sauce, chives and spring onion.

dinner- 
quorn chicken pieces with passata, mushrooms and herbs, 
salad leaves (fresh from the greenhouse) tomatoes, pickled onions, cucumber, 
40g reduced fat cheddar (HEA 1)
homemade low syn coleslaw (1/2 syn ish) 
muller light+quark for pud.

snacks- 
3x rocky road bars (HEB 2 + 3 syns) 
tin smartprice ravioli (1 1/2 syns), 
muller light with cherry underlayer (1 1/2 syns)

I have drank lots of water and cordial to stay hydrated and my second HEA was used in teas and coffees through the day (2 small cups not measured as was at a meeting and it came from a pot- but definitely not gone over)

Feel better than before- just going to keep plodding along. I have survived today with a cool 6 1/2 syns nommed. Tomorrow I have my fruit ready for my break in work- setting my alarm to have a cooked breakfast before I go (sausage, bacon, egg on toast, maybe beans too) then my fruit in my break at 9.30. I have chicken to have for lunch, probably with the stir fry veggies left over and rice. Dinner is going to be at the local Harvester- my friend Louise and I are going to the pictures (my first time there in 7 years!) I will have a bag of fruit and some rocky roads so I'm not tempted with the popcorn and sweets- but I will buy my diet coke there- just to be polite!

Ok off to bed for me- need my rest- to shift this headache I have.


Much Love,
Tanya x