Thursday, 29 March 2012

Shredding and Compliments!

**Warning** This blog contains pictures that are pretty gross (me in my undercrackers!) Don't read if you have just eaten, are feeling ill or just don't want to see my flabby bits!

Ok Disclaimer done, cool!

Let's start with the compliments.

I seem to be coping better with them, in a roundabout way. But I do get my odd days (like yesterday) where I just can't seem to accept them. Actually, I get upset when people say nice things about me. Like yesterday, a friend of mine called me "skinny". I actually got really upset over this, even though I know that she meant it only in a nice way.

Thinking about it, the only thing I can think of that's making me like this is my dad used to (sarcastically of course) call me "slim" when I was big. So I think of words like "skinny" "slim" or even "pretty" and "beautiful", basically anything positive, as a negative "dig" at me. It's so hard to get out of that mindset after years of basically being emotionally molded into thinking that it's all negative.

I'm sure that my friends and family (or most of them anyway) understand this- at least I hope they do. People just need to be patient with me, this is a big change for me, I am really struggling to get used to my new body and people's different comments. I can only give it time- I will get there in the end!

So- update on losses so far. Last week (20th) I lost 3lb, and got my 8 1/2 stone award *yay*. This week (27th) I lost 1lb. Ok, not the greatest but still a loss, and it's 1lb closer to target. I was initially pretty gutted- not because of the loss but I'd had a pretty rough day of it at work (tough customers, seeing someone who I haven't seen in 5 weeks and struggling to see how not-so-good they were doing, that kind of thing) I really needed a positive and with 1lb, it wasn't quite the positive I was looking for. I wanted to have pizza (forgetting about the "pledge to stick to plan until lent" thing. Luckly (I didn't think that at the time!) mum  had already cooked, so no pizza! 

The positive came in the end- I got slimmer of the month, which I wasn't expecting, with my 9lb loss in the month. So I was happy- another Flutterby magnet for my fridge!

I did come out of group determined. A friend from SW has lent me her weights so I can do the 30 day shred (she gave me 1kg ones and 0.5kg, but I could use both at the same time if I wanted). I decided, rather than wait until wednesday to start, to start on the Tuesday night. Beforehand, I asked mum (bless her, poor thing) to take some "before 30 day shred" pictures, hopefully I'll see a change! And boy to I need it.

So- if you don't like gruesome stuff, look away now- because you totally know they're coming!!

I keep looking at the pictures and I'm pretty disgusted, if I'm honest. I have no idea what I looked like when I was nearly 9 stone heavier and I don't want to! If this is my body after losing 122lb then I must have been in a right state!

There are 2 reasons why I'm putting these pictures up.

1) I want to see what the 30 day shred does for me- hopefully I will be more toned in various places.
2) I am sick to DEATH of people coming up to me and telling me that I don't need/shouldn't lose any more weight. See those pictures? THAT is why I am not at target yet. I am not happy with myself as I am and I want to be! I still have a way to go, I'm still overweight and I am working to not be. Yes, a lot of my problem is saggy skin, I get that, but the belly "apron" (as people call it) and my tummy are not *just* saggy- they are fatty too- and to get rid of those I need to lose the weight!

I hope that these pictures are proof enough to people that I do, indeed, still need to shed some weight! 

I understand that people will simply be comparing me to how I was 12 months ago- which is easily done, I keep doing it myself (only in different ways). But what if someone of my stats were like this at their starting point? Their friends and family wouldn't tell them not to bother, would they? They shouldn't! 

So to people who are making such comments- I don't like them. I understand your "concern", I think, but please understand that I am by no means underweight. Take another look at the above pictures. Do you think I should stop now? Do you think that I have every right to be happy with my body exactly the way it is now? No- I didn't think so. I'm not overdoing it, I'm not making myself ill. I'm not undereating or overexercising. I'm just being healthy! You should be encouraging me, not condemning me, even if it is with the "best intentions"

Watch me grow emotionally, please don't pull me down. I need the positives more than you'll ever know- don't make me feel bad for being where I want to be. 

Again- I know that's not what peoples' intentions are- I know they are genuinely "concerned" about me- but there is no need to be! 

Ok enough ranting. I need to get to bed. Working long shifts tomorrow (in at 10am at Asda! and in at the off licence tomorrow too!)

I'm hoping for a good week this week, only I can stand in my way! And I'm hoping not to! So far so good!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Monday, 19 March 2012

I'm not dead!!!

I totally didn't mean to leave it this long without an update- I'm sorry! Between work and meeting up with friends, I've not had much time to sit down and write a post. When I've been here my brain hasn't exactly been working enough to get words out.

It's definitely been busy busy here, lots of hours at Asda, including a little bit of overtime on checkouts (yay!) and of course, the off licence job too! I'm just thinking of the money! I'm making the most of the hours at Asda. I have less than a month left! I've been there nearly 4 weeks (It'll be 4 weeks on Wednesday) I think time has just flown by!

Last week (since I haven't updated even that yet!) I lost 1lb. I was initially a bit disappointed but it's still 1lb closer to target. This week I'm hoping for a bit more, to get my 8 1/2 stone award and to get into the 13 stones. I am 2.5lb away from saying that I have less than 20lb to target- so it would be awesome if I could achieve all of those tomorrow. We shall see!

I've ordered 30 Day Shred (a dvd workout that apparently is really good). It's 20 minutes a day of a really hard workout. There are 3 levels, so even if i start on the lowest level and work out- I should see results. I have a lot of saggy skin I want to tone up and that should definitely help! It looks fun anyway!

Right- I know it's only a quick one but I'm up in 6 1/2 hours for work (totally got distracted again!) Then weigh in straight after. Cross your fingers for a nice result at 5pm tomorrow!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Back Pain and Nice Scales!

The scales were in a really good mood with me on Tuesday! I lost another 4lb!! I was so ecstatic, I think I squeed a bit too loudly, most of the room heard!

That takes my loss to 8stone 5lb! I'm now under 200lb (198lb to be exact) and I am 2lb away from my 8 1/2 stone award as well as only 2.5lb away from getting into the 13's. I would love to get that next week! It would also keep me on track to get to target by my birthday.

Well- the exact date I have to get to target- 8th May. Dad thought that I should get until 1st May (logically I guess that makes sense- it is nearer to my bday after all!) Anyway- we tossed a coin. I won, it's 8th May! It's still a big ask, and I'm hoping that the next few weeks at Asda does help with a few more big losses. It's more of the principle than anything. Dad believed that I couldn't do it (whether he said he thought I could or not- I know he's telling porkies) and I think that that doubt should cost him! 

Also, it would pay for a nice hair cut and dress!

I got a text off Julie today- she asked me if I wanted to fill out a form to send to Slimming World HQ, which includes my journey and background. I'm meeting up with her for brunch tomorrow, with my friend Kate, to do it. I thought it would be easy, but looking at the questions it might be difficult, as well as a little bit emotional. I have rarely voiced or written down the reasons why I started SW and, indeed, why I really hit rock bottom and wanted to lose weight. I have once or twice, and each time I have gotten a bit emotional. So I might have to take tissues with me just in case!

Work today was tough. I started my shift with a sore hip. After taking some painkillers and walking it off I was fine. But then my back started hurting. Oh it was horrible! It still is achy now, and I'm trying to sit straight, hoping that it'll help. I pray it's better tomorrow- another 5 hours at Asda and want to actually work! Well, I was working, I don't want to sound as though I wasn't. But I wasn't moving as much as I usually do. I was lucky they needed me on checkouts so much today actually. The sit down really helped!

I was walking home and realised that Dad came home today. So I gave him a call to see if he fancied a visitor. He was at his friend, Gary's. I often used to go with dad, he used to go upstairs with the boys and I sat and chatted with Gary's wife, Helen, and their daughter, Vicky. So I went to see the ladies. I haven't seen them for an AGE! It was really nice. I like Helen and Vicky and enjoy their company, so it was nice to have a quick catch up. Helen mentioned having a games night one night in the near future, which I would be up for going to! She said she could do it on a Sunday, since I work at weekends. 

Anyway, I had better get my bum to bed! Long day tomorrow, I need my rest!

Feeling focused and determined again- hope that it carries through for the whole week!!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Sunday, 4 March 2012

More responsibility- and G Day tomorrow!!

 So I was in the shop on my own tonight. Overtime, scary stuff. Ok, I wasn't *really* on my own, Niall came to keep me company for the last hour or so, but I was the only one serving/cashing up.

And of course I'm paranoid that I forgot something!

I did, nearly, forget to put the signs in. It was only as I was leaving the shop did I go "crap! signs!!" and we put them in before locking up. I did forget to brush and mop....and to do a z reading on the little till...but I am *sure* I did everything else! Oh well, will find out tomorrow when I go to hand the keys in. 

I can cash up fine when I'm working with Abby or Ronnie, but for some reason because I was the only person there who knew what they were doing...I was a bit panicky. You know me, natural worrier and panicker!

So, tomorrow is my day off. No work- at all. Hurrah! So I have a busy day planned!

So it's G day...... G is for Gym!

I'm going to activate my gym pass tomorrow! Which means a bit of gymming and swimming hopefully! Since I have a swimming costume now, I need to try it out, right? I'm also meeting up with Chris for coffee in the afternoon and calling Canada at 5pm, for my weekly natter with Marg. 

I feel like I haven't been as active this week, since I've done some checkout hours, I still hope for a good loss (of course, the sneaky peek on the Wii says a not so great loss, but that's's not official!)

Weigh day is coming up fast again- it's scary stuff! I have been good. The only thing that wasn't "good" was the Creme Egg I had last night at work, but that was still within my syns. 9 syns and totally worth it!! I do need to eat more fruit and veg though- I've been a bit lax lately.

Anyway- I am heading to bed- after I've made myself my bedtime cuppa! I need my energy for all the planned body magic tomorrow!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Friday, 2 March 2012

Veggie Chilli, Mixed Emotions and Over 3000!

White Rabbit! My first blog post of the month of Marvelous March! (hopefully that's what it's going to be!)

Firstly- oh my goodness- I have actually hit over 3000 page views! That is a lot of reading! Thanks you guys! Next stop- 5000, get reading! heehee.

I've been rather busy so far this month- working, more working, agreeing to do overtime, more working. You see the pattern here?

The mixed emotions are really just me feeling a teensy bit down. Well, not a teensy bit- a lot. It's a bit of a struggle if I'm being honest. My anxiety issues are really creeping up on me. I don't know why, but I'm sure it'll pass. In fact, I know it will. I'm coping with my work, even though I am finding it difficult. A couple of the girlies I work with at Asda (and of course Abby too) know that I struggle quite bad sometimes so I can go to them if I need to, which is good. At least I don't feel on my own, that would make things a million times harder!

I am still grateful to have work of course! Even though I'm a bit miffed because I've been put in for hours until mid April (that bit I don't mind) but it includes me working every Tuesday between 3-10pm. Which means I would miss my weigh in group for over a month. I'm not a happy flutterby. So tomorrow I'm going to go into work (on my day off!!) and have a chat with the manager and explain. I will do an earlier shift if I have to- but I don't want to miss out EVERY tuesday. One week, maybe. But not for a month!

Anyway- rant over. 

Tonight, I made a very quick and easy veggie chilli. I was boiling rice and realise I had nothing to go with it. I saw a tin of mixed beans and thought "fine- I'll make chilli". This is how I made it...

1 tin mixed beans (in tomato sauce)
1 tin tomatoes (chopped)
1 onion
1 large pepper
4-5 sprigs of broccoli 
couple of handfuls of mixed veggies
1-2 oxos
spash Worcestershire sauce
sprinkle garlic, mixed herbs, chilli powder, paprika (as much as you like really)

1) steam the broccoli and mixed veg until soft
2) dry fry onions and peppers. add tomatoes, mixed beans and cooked veggies. 
3) crumble in the oxos, add the sauce, herbs and spices and stir well.
4) heat through.

That's it! really! it's awesome! Just add the spices and stuff to your own taste- I never measure those things, I just add them until it tastes awesome!

I had it with rice, and the usual rocket salad and tomatoes. No picture I'm afraid- I ate it too fast!! 

Anyhoo- this was just a quick update- to start the month off and stuff! 

I really hope for a positive, slimmer month this month! I intend on staying 100% on plan this month. I have survived another day, which was full of temptation! I'm just about to have 2 syns worth of hot choc to make it to 9 syns for the whole day. I'm pretty chuffed with myself!

Tomorrow I'm going shopping with Abby. I'm going to get myself a swimming costume! Because I can't wait to get in that pool and get training again!! So exciting!! Will be nice to spend the day with my friend too!

On that note- time for that hot chocolate- then to get some sleep!

Much Love,
Tanya x