Hi there! 

I know it's been a few days since my last update-I haven't slipped off the wagon or anything. I was out of town, having a mini holiday! It was really just what I needed and I'm so glad we were able to get out and about for a while!

Here is a picture of my "therapy unicorn" enjoying the road trip! I found it amusing to take pictures of random stuff with this little unicorn. It's amazing how something so pink and fluffy can look so artistic! 

I stuck with my food plan and tracked my food every day I was away- and boy was it hard! There was birthday cake at a party, homemade butter tarts, pies...etc. But I was very careful with what I ate! I am weighing in tomorrow, it's the 10th day of a 10 day challenge I signed up to on MFP. I shouldn't really focus on just the number on the scales, but jeeze, especially for the first few weeks, it would be nice to see a change in my weight!

So when I was talking to my friend last week about actually doing this weight loss thing again, one thing I decided to do was to buy a dress. Not one I can fit into yet, but a few sizes down so I can aim towards it! I don't have a date to wear it, but I really wanted something to look forward to.

Anyway- It's crinkly, with a photo taken in bad lighting- but here it is!

I still love my rockabilly dresses! I did this when I did SW and first lost weight, and it really motivated me! So I hope to be wearing this at a special event in a few months time! Maybe Christmas, maybe at the big AA conference in March. I really don't know. But I'm determined to keep plugging along and not give up!

Today has been a good day. I am still finding it hard to not eat and drink just anything at work. Working at Starbucks is haaaaaaard when you are trying to lose weight! But my water intake is really high so at least I'm hydrated!

Another challenge I started last night on MFP was just called "one day at a time" where you set yourself challenges for the day ahead. Today, one of them was to do this blog post. Since it's before my bedtime, technically it is still a Friday thing! 

The list I have for myself tomorrow is:
* Get off the bus 1 stop earlier after work and walk a bit more
* Write a shopping list for the wife so she can get groceries while I'm at work
*Not get freaked out by the number on the scales when I do my weekly weigh in
*Write a gratitude list
*Track food 100%

They are all very doable, so I feel like I am setting myself up for success!

I'm looking forward to Gael going food shopping tomorrow! I have some recipes lined up and have a new cookbook to crack open! I really want to get back into cooking and enjoying my mealtimes rather than dread them! 

Alright, that's it from me tonight. Need to get myself to bed!

Much love,
Tanya x

Tracking, planning and enjoying some treats!

Hi guys!

Today was a pretty amazing day. For the first time ever, I was a speaker at an AA round-up, which is a smaller 1-day convention. My talk was taped and I was able to hear myself back for the first time. God, I talk funny! 

Anyway, I made some really good choices today, considering there weren't many choices at all! My lunch was a Mr Sub sandwich and dinner was provided at the round-up. I packed my plate with salad and went from there.

I am remembering my old Slimming World days- packing my plate with super-free food first. I even had enough calories to have a small piece of pie for pudding!

I am finishing off my 5th day and I feel bloated, and a little bit like the results aren't going to show. It seems those "weigh in" nerves never go away! I think I need to start looking at the fact that it's less about the number on the scales and more about being healthy...but boy it's hard to change my thinking like that!

The tracking tool on My Fitness Pal is great. It has most things in the database so i don't even need to think about it!

My focus over the next few days is to keep planning my food. Tomorrow I can work on that- I'm working and eating is hard there. I either don't want to eat a thing or I want to eat EVERYthing. Also, cutting out all of the sugary drinks is so damn hard! So I'll take some food with me, plan my stuff and hopefully it will go smoothly.

I have to remember- it took me a while to get into it when I lost weight the first time, there is an adjustment period of sorts. I'll try and keep it in the day, one meal at a time if need be!

That's it from me. I'm thankful of people who are still interested in keeping up with me. The support and encouragement is very much appreciated. I know I can't do this alone! And the fact that I am doing it alone (AKA without a weight loss group), the online support is doubly appreciated!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Day 3, and a "remember when"

Hi guys! 2 posts in a week! See? I'm committed!

Today marked day 3 of mindful eating. I am really feeling positive about it even though the anxiety is still there. I am using MyFitnessPal to track my food. They also have a pretty decent community/forum to check in. I love challenges and stuff, so I hope this helps spur me on!

I had a situation today that reminded me of a time I really struggled when I was originally on Slimming World- when I got too obsessed about my food intake.

This morning, I went to a meeting and a friend of mine brought me an iced coffee from McDonald's (it's hot as hell here right now and a cold drink was appreciated). I spent over half of the meeting looking at this iced coffee, deciding whether or not I was going to drink it. It had sugar in it, and MyFitnessPal told me that it was 170 calories. Never mind the fact that I had a good breakfast and most of my food was accounted for, and had the calories left over to enjoy it, in the back of my head all I heard was "you can't have that, it's bad!"

Well, I snapped out of it and enjoyed it. Tracked it, appreciated the caffeine and moved on. 

When I did Slimming World, I became extremely obsessed with my weight loss. It was everything to me. After about 6 months, I joined MFP and noticed I could track my food online. Which was great! However, I started eating less and less to "help" with my weight loss. I was eating about 800 calories a day, mostly salads etc and my weight loss plateaued. Not just that, but I was making myself ill. I talked to my consultant and she really helped me realise that under-eating was bad for many reasons- including a decrease in weight loss. As soon as I went back to eating a healthy amount, I lost more weight. Funny, that!

However, remembering my addictive behaviours and how it manifests- it was a real eye-opener for me. One of my sources of support is the woman I spoke to on Monday. I shared the thoughts I had today and she gave me a warning to be careful. She is right. If I am going to do this, I need to do it properly. Not obsessively, not like an addict, but in a way that is not just good for my body, but my mind too!

My action plan for the next few days is to make sure I am prepared for when I work. I'm working tomorrow and Sunday, both 8 1/2 hour shifts. Lately, I have literally been eating nothing at work all day. Maybe a sandwich before I start work but that's it. And when I finish, I am STARVING! Yesterday I took some chilli to work with me. I barely managed half of it (I guess I have no appetite at work some days) but I tried. Tomorrow I'll take chicken salad sandwiches and fruit. That should keep me going!

I really am feeling positive about this. Especially after I got a wonderfully supportive message off my mum this morning. I know that no matter where I am, I have friends and family who love me and who will help me with any struggles I have in my life. And for that, I am extremely grateful!

Much love,

Tanya x

Rebirth! (Or something along those lines)

I know I said this 2 years ago but I think I really, really mean it this time! haha

Hello strangers, did you miss me? I can't believe where the time has gone!

So because it's 2am and I really should be tucked up in bed, I will keep this reasonably short....maybe...possibly.

I was speaking to a friend of mine on Monday about my struggles with life and everything. I am slowly coming out of what is probably the biggest depressive episode of my life. For a month, I was constantly in a state of anxiety, my depression was beating me down really bad and I was suicidal. I didn't do anything stupid, but the despair I felt was not something I will forget in a hurry.

One thing I talked to this friend about was my issues around my weight. How I was once skinny, attractive, happy. However, I know, too, that I wasn't happy with my weight when I was healthy. I only focused on the negatives- my loose skin, my hairy chin, my bushy eyebrows, the way that my boobs weren't as perky as the average 20-something. But I know too, that being the size that I am now is not the place I want to be at.

I remember where I was when I first joined Slimming World back in 2011. Antisocial, anxious, depressed. The only difference between then and now is the fact that I go out of my way to be sociable. Being in recovery in Toronto.... there really isn't anywhere to hide. People don't let me. However, I don't really show everyone my true self. I have hidden my depression well. I have hidden my insecurities well. Not many people know what is truly going on in my head. The friend I spoke to on Monday pointed that out to me. She really, really put things into perspective for me. It gave me a motivation and a drive. A hope that maybe, just maybe, I can make some positive changes and become a healthier, happier person. 

To have the realisation that being a healthy weight won't guarantee me happiness is a really good thing. It means that now, rather than JUST focus on losing weight, I need to focus on my head and chase out all of those voices of negativity. The ones that tell me that I'm stupid, worthless, unlovable, disliked by the whole world. I have a good circle of people who can help with that, thank goodness.

So here I am, the heaviest I've ever been. Worried about failure but going to do it anyway. But in spite of the nervousness, I'm excited and ready to conquer my demons one step, one meal, one moment at a time.

It's good to be back!

Much love,
Tanya x