Thursday, 31 May 2012

Milkshake, Big Losses and Feeling Useful

Hello! Me again!

I've just noticed that it is now officially June....where the heck is this year going so quick?? I can't believe we're nearly half way through already- it's crazy!

Anyhoo- so my loss this week- after the embarrassing uber gain last week....

7lb!  That is my highest ever loss. I've lost 6lb 3 times but never more than that. I can now say that I have lost half a stone in a week. Pretty awesome, I'm happy with that. Only 2 1/2lb to lose to get back to where I was. Guess what I'm aiming for this week?

I really feel like part of the SW team now. I've been taking money for the 7pm group for about a month or 2 now. Initially just to help out but now I do it every week. I'm glad to. It actually gives me a reason to stay a bit longer and to get to know people better. It helps with my confidence and it's a nice time to chill for a bit before going home for dinner. Anyway- I got  a lovely present off Julie, everyone on the Social Team got one- and I wasn't really expecting one but of course- am over the moon that I did....

My very own badge! 

Ok anyone who knows me will know what I'm like with badges- I love them! Especially ones with my name on- they make me feel important! heehee.

So I really like it, it made me very happy!

Small things...and all that...

Now all I need is my "target" badge and I'm all set! Aiming by the end of June- at the latest! Must work hard and I am feeling positive!

Oh yes- the milkshake! I did promise!

So I am now using 1% milk (which to me tastes exactly the same as semi skimmed- and I get an extra 50ml a day!) but I don't seem to be drinking as much tea as usual- maybe 1 cup a day, sometimes 2. Which leaves me with extra milk to drink.

So I made a milkshake!

Basically it's just:

Milk (however much really- I have 200ml usually of 1%, leaving 100ml for tea!) 
2 teaspoons sweetener (more, or less, depending on your taste)
strawberry flavouring (just a few drops)
and if you want to make it "strawberry" coloured, add a drop of red food colouring.

Simply mix the lot and drink! It reminds me of the nesquik powder that you get but it's syn free! I love it!

Anyhoo, so I had a busy day today- met up with a friend who I haven't seen in about 3 years. Enjoyed a lovely (syn free!) lunch. Then I visited dad for a bit and popped home. I went out for a "family meal" with my mum, brother, mum's boyfriend and his kids and their partners (and a baby). I did make good choices- picked a curried chicken noodle dish which seemed like the best choice- apart from chicken and bacon salad- but I fancied a change. 

I then went to my friend, Kate's, for a catch up. She fed me syn free spag bol- which was great! nom nom! I love it when I get fed syn free stuff!

Anyway- Kate is doing the race for life with me and we need to get our bums into gear! So planning on going out and doing some exercise (power walking at least!) so we can get ready for the big race in just over 2 weeks time!!

So that's me for today anyway- I'm falling asleep at the keyboard- so much for an early night! Must get up handy though- lots to do tomorrow before work at 5pm!

Speak to you lot soon!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Accountability, Emotional times and New Friends!

Oh dear- I really should read my previous posts before I get too scared to share that I've struggled- goodness me! I thought "oh no- it's going to be really hard to explain how bad I've been" but I already admitted it last time!

I've been putting off and putting I am! 

First things first- my holiday was awesome! 5 days of sun, food and good company. Ok, a bit more food than I should have eaten, but I did enjoy myself- and boy did I get my money worth!!!!

I knew by the Friday (the day we were flying back) that I overindulged a bit too much- when the jeans that were loose when we flew out were mega tight when I went to put them on again! Oops!!!

Anyway- I was fully intending on reining it back in and doing some damage limitation in time for the Tuesday....did it work like that? Not quite! I got the holiday blues and just started comfort eating. I couldn't stop! It was like going back to my old behaviour and it was so hard to get out of it! It actually scared me because I thought I was going out of control.

So- I made a decision. I decided to get weighed on Monday, in a different group, with a different consultant, hoping that it would make a difference.

I wandered down to the Poulton Vics, about a 20 minute walk (ish) away. The consultant, Lesley, was lovely. I mean, I'm quite attached to Julie, so she's of course my favourite consultant, but Lesley was really good. 

I stood on the scales and cringed when I saw the woman write in my pack...

9.5lb 13 days.

If I do things, I tend to do them well. I might as well have a gain of epic proportions!!!

To be honest- as soon as I stepped off those scales, I felt instantly mentally lighter. I enjoyed the group, got a lot of ideas and motivation and actually left with a smile on my face. I walked home, called Julie and told her how it went and chatted to her all the way home.

I knew I had 8 days to pull it back (because I wanted to go back to my normal group the following week). I have really been a saint this week! Measured my milk every time! I've even cut down my yoghurts to 2 a day- rather than 3-4!

Anyway- I'm hopefully for weigh in on Tuesday- I hope to have lost a big chunk of that gain!

So what else have I been up to? Well!! Friday was our charity ball, organised by our local Slimming World team. It was a black tie event, so an excuse to dress up all pretty! It was mentioned a while ago that there was a "mystery national celeb" coming to the night.

Of course- I knew who it was!! By accident of course. I actually knew for a month- because the celeb themselves told me! Not knowing that they were a secret.

It was the SW current Woman of the Year- Carole Wright. If you don't do SW then you won't really know who she is, if you DO do SW then you should know! If you don't, then it's wrong and you should read her story! This woman is amazing, seriously. She's lost just shy of 20 stone and is happily settled in her target and is living an amazing life, thanks to SW. She goes to lots of different groups and tells her story and inspires so many people. I've read her story a few times but I never heard it first hand until Friday...more about that in a minute.

Caz and I had been talking on facebook for the best part of the month- and I believe we have become pretty good friends. It's mental how much 2 people can have in common- but we do appear to be quite similar. Which makes me glad- because she's an amazing person!

People can lose a lot of weight and not necessarily be inspirational. Sometimes, the number is irrelevant. You can lose 15-20 stone and still be a complete douche-rocket. But Caz actually is one of those people who doesn't let it get to her head and goes to these groups and does these talks for free. Why? Because SW has given her so much and she wants to pay something back (i'm guessing). 

Anyhoo because I knew she was coming, we planned to meet up for coffee, then dinner, before the do. So we met in New Brighton (me, Caz and her husband, Steve) and we had a right laugh! It's mental that we've only known each other a month yet we can hit it off like that so quick!

Dinner was lovely, a tasty carvery. Then we went our separate ways and got ready for the do. 

It was a great night. She got up on stage, in front of nearly 300 people, and told her story. Never before has a weight loss story hit home so hard. It actually brought a few things back for me, which I will probably talk about in a later blog post. I cried listening to her story- a lot. It was very emotional- hardly any dry eyes in the room. But the inspiration was immense!

Later on in the evening we did a charity balloon release. I bought a tag and I wrote on it...

I realised that I was holding on to "fat Tanya" still- even over nine stone (ish) lighter. I have, most of the way through this journey, thought I was still fat. Truth is, I'm not! I'm an average size. Ok, a touch overweight now but I am really close to a "normal" weight for my height. Which is absolutely amazing.

I needed to let go of "fat Tanya".

So I attached the tag to a balloon and when everyone was outside, we counted down and released the balloons. I watched as mine disappeared off over the rooftops and I felt mixed emotions- part of me was happy to have done that, part of me felt a bit scared of this new life that I was about to embark on- as "normal, garden variety" Tanya. Less defenses, more vulnerability. No longer can I hide behind my wall that is my size. I'm here, more or less "naked"- ready to face the world (but I don't want to scare people so I'd better get dressed first!)

While I was having an emotional moment, as were many others, Caz came over and gave me a massive hug. The bish wouldn't let go and I ended up crying! I did warn her to let go or I'd snot on her shoulder but she didn't listen. It was lovely, because I knew that she understood what I did and how big a deal it was. 

We all enjoyed the rest of the night then, I watched people get drunk, we danced and had a right giggle!

Just before I left, I said bye to Caz and Steve, and we've made plans (Caz and I) to go on a trip to Liverpool- shopping and lunch- when she gets back from her SW duties over in Germany! I can't wait!

It's lovely to have a friend who understands exactly where I'm coming from with my weight loss- someone who is at target and knows first hand the struggles of having so much to lose. I'm a lucky girly really.

That and she's all famous and stuff! I bet YOU can't say you're mates with a famous person! So there! I'm awesome!

Here are a couple of piccies from the night anyway (just a few of me with people)
Carole and I
Myself and Alan
(chief money taker at the 1pm group)

Carole, Me and Julie
 (my awesome consultant)
 So it was a great time! It's been a bit of a weird couple of weeks, some accepting needed to be done but a lot of good times have been had!

Julie and I
My second counselling appointment is in about 8 hours. I'll talk about that more next time- I've just realised how long this post is! I should put a warning on the top really!!!

I'm definitely planning on getting back in this blogging thing. A few people have said to me in the past that they've found my posts helpful....really I need to get back into the recipe side of things- especially now that I have some shiny new recipe books!! So watch this space (I say that a lot- but really- watch it!!)

I'm back on track until target now! Tuesday will be the first week that I will actually be paying to get weighed- every other time I've had a countdown. I'm refusing to do this, because I want to get to target in less than 5 weeks- which would make a countdown worthless. This might just spur me on!!!

Also- race for life in 3 week! Eek!! I need to get back into that training! This week- for definite! 

Ok off I go to bed- with a syn free milkshake (muahahaha- I'm going to make you wait! It's worth sticking around for!) and a hifi light bar (I've only had 1 syn so far today!)

 Hope you haven't missed me too much!! I shall be back very soon!!

Much Love, 

Tanya x

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Awards, Holidays and Mental Frustration

I've been meaning to do an update for a few days now, but I have not been in the right frame of mind to type a post up. Since Thursday my head has just been in a terrible, dark place and it's only just starting to let up.

Going back to how the last fortnight has gone. 

Well, my birthday was awesome. Enjoyed tasty cake (twice!) and a carvery. For the rest of the week I was focused, determined and positive. But I had no clue how I did- because my usually Tuesday morning weigh in on the wii was not possible, because our front room was being decorated, so the wii was packed away. 

I stepped on the scales on Tuesday...

4lb off! That meant my 9 1/2 stone award was achieved (9 st 8.5lb in total) and I was 12 stone 12.5lb. I don't remember being in the 12 stones...that made my bmi 25.2- nearly healthy!!

I was over the moon to say the least. I wasn't expecting to do so well!

I'd planned pizza, with mum, Abby and Cinta. I had fully intended on enjoying the pizza and getting right on it the next day...

It's not quite worked out that way....

Actually, I have gone over my syns every single day since Tuesday! It's now Saturday! It's unreal really- and I am sitting here, disgusted and disappointed in myself.

Now, I keep getting told, by a few people "see how far you've come, you've done amazing". I know I've done well, but the reason why I feel so sick and disappointed is that I have not wanted to go over my syns every day. Ok, Thursday I had a day out planned with my "adopted auntie" and I had planned to enjoy a piece of cake then. But all the other days I intended on staying on plan!

One thing that upsets me is that people are giving me justification for my destructive behaviour (realistically, that is what it is). I know people mean well, but sometimes I need a kick up the arse or a sympathetic ear but ultimately a push to be the best I can be. I may have lost nearly 10 stone, but I am still vulnerable at times and have moments where I am stuck in a rut. Justification just gives me an excuse to do it more. Which isn't good.

Most of the time I can get out of it myself, but I am by no means "fixed" here. People forget that I have only been doing this for a year- that isn't long at all. I am only just accepting my new size and new body- saggy skin and all! It's a long road and I need my friends and family to support me. I need my consultant (who I can't fault at all) and I need my fellow SW members. It's the love and support from everyone that will carry me to target and beyond.

I have received a lot of support so far which I am immensely grateful for- just don't give up on me just yet! I still need you all!

Anyway- it's a brand new start now. I needed the accountability- I needed to share that and now it's a new start from now! I may still be able to get to target by a week Tuesday! It's going to be a hard slog but I'm going to try! If I don't, then I'll just aim to get there the following week- but target is just a few pounds away! I want to get to target- even if my head doesn't want me to get there! I'm not giving up the fight, not when I'm so close!

Now the usual positive spin on things. In 24 hours time I'll be getting picked up to go to the airport! 5 days in Majorca. Even though I'm feeling a bit "blah" mentally, I'm looking forward to getting away for a wee while. The time away will probably do me some good- I'm hoping so anyway! I'm mostly sorted- I just need to get sun cream and pack my hand luggage (with the last few bits). Other than that I am totally sorted. Chris and I packed the big case today!

Tomorrow I've got a short shift at Asda (I haven't worked there for a few days- so will be nice to get back for a shift!) and then it's just looking forward to my holiday! Hurrah!

I probably won't be updating until I'm back- but I hope that I can report a fabulous holiday and a few days of good food optimising- which is totally doable, I'm sure!

Thanks for your support guys- every single one of you! 

Much Love,
Tanya x 

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Being Human and Moving On.

Hi guys! Here I am!

So- my 3 days off plan did pay a price. I had my second ever gain today. It was only half a pound but it's still on and it still knocks me out of the running for Slimmer of the Week (not that I mind that really!) 

I am actually glad that I gained, in a weird kind of way. The last few times I've gone off the wagon I've maintained or lost a little bit. Part of me then goes "hey! you got away with it!" and that gives me an excuse to do it again at a later date. What it made me realise was that I am so close to target and it takes a bit more effort and work to lose the last few pounds and to get to target I must give it my all- especially with the hurdles coming up in the next few weeks!

I still have less than 10lb to target- so it doesn't seem daunting! This week is hopefully going to be awesome- even with a flexisyn day thrown in! That gives me 6 days to be perfect!

I actually went for a run yesterday! I went along the prom, starting at the point that was exactly 2.5km away from New Brighton and decided to do a mix of walking and jogging there and back. I actually started off strong- I ran the first km. At the 1k mark I decided to walk some- but after about 150m I realised I may have overdone it at first. I started getting bad chest pains and I was struggling. I had a sit down for a few minutes and decided (going against my first thought!) that I should keep going. I walked for 500m then did 200m jogging and 100m walking until I had 300m to go and I ran that. I ran a total of 1700m out of the first 2.5km. I was really chuffed with myself. 

On the way back, I decided to take it easier at the start and keep consistant- so I did a few 100 metres running and 100m walking. There's a hill on the prom and I actually ran up and down it both ways! On the way back I ran 1800m which meant that out of the full 5km I ran 3.5km and walked 1.5km. I was pretty damn chuffed with myself! Ok I had to take 2 breaks, but I never thought I could run that far! I did it in just over half an hour too (31 mins 45 seconds to be exact! Not including breaks of course!) It's something to work towards- doing it all in one go, running it all and then working on beating the time!

I do, however, really need to get some jogging bottoms. The size 18 leggings I was wearing kept embarrassingly falling down- not too bad of course- I always caught them before my bum started to show! But it really was hard to run with loose pants! So I'm hoping to get some jogging bottoms in the next few days!

Anyway so today- my eating hasn't been perfect but I have been well within my syns- I had 9 1/2 to be exact. 5 syns of that was for 5 slices of my "birthday cake" made by a lovely guy at Slimming World- 1 syn a slice- it was gorgeous! I will find the recipe and post it at some point! The other 4 1/2 was stuffing with my chicken dinner- even the gravy was syn free!

For my afters (after my dinner went down) I had some summer fruits with a muller light yoghurt. Lots of superspeed food which will hopefully help with a big loss next Tuesday!

Right now, I am heading to bed. I have a few mad days- tomorrow I'm having lunch with a friend (apparently there is SW friendly food- which is good) then meeting up with my SW buddy, Kate, for a cuppa. Thursday I've got lunch again (with Chris) and then meeting Kate again- don't know what we're doing yet- I suggested a bike ride if it was nice! Then I'm heading to Liverpool with some friends. Friday is the meal out with the family and working in the evening! So mad busy- I definitely need to get my rest now- because I don't think I'm going to be getting much of it this week!

Onwards and Downwards! Here's to a lovely big loss next week- including my 9 1/2 stone award!

Much Love,
Tanya x