Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Here We Go Again...

Hi everyone- I can't believe it's been nearly a month and a half since my last post. If you are are on my Facebook page then you will see the more recent updates but even they have been few and far between.

To be honest- my mojo for writing has been gone for a long time. In fact my mojo in general has been pretty hidden especially over the last week or so. I kept saying to myself "I will do a blog post later" but it never comes- it's time for bed or I get distracted by shiny things. It's like my spark for getting my thoughts out has gone out. But I am gritting my teeth and getting on with it. So please bear with me!

As most of you will already know I got to target 2 weeks ago- finally after 7 months of up-down-up-down I was back where I was. That's it now- no more changing targets- I was at a happy, healthy weight- I didn't need to be any skinnier- even though at the time I disagreed.

But lately my eating problem has come to light. It's been there a while,  but I kept telling myself "it's ok- I'll just stick to plan and still lose, or maintain" or "it'll be different this time" before heading out on an evening of binging on sugar and general junk. It's insane. I can see it. I have experience with addiction- and it's like an alcoholic swearing off booze and saying "maybe I'll just have one or 2 to take the edge off things- it'll be different" only this is food- not alcohol. I am a compulsive overeater- I admit it- but still am struggling to accept it.

The thing is- I have been getting help with that- talking to people who understand. Because there is no point trying to talk to people who don't "get it"- people who think it's ok to just have the odd naughty day. Their naughty days consist of a couple of slices of cake and a sausage barm- mine are all out binges of anything and everything I can get my hands on- which in turn makes me physically sick and mentally exhausted. But I carry on- because I just can't stop. I feel like I'm going to be sick, I feel so ashamed- a failure, disgusting, like I am not worth anything. That's what I get like.

Even though I have been getting help- and still going to slimming world of course- because that is paramount for me- I am starting to see how bad it really is. I've been living in denial for a long time and seeing it for what it is- it's ugly. But yet I still eat rubbish and make myself feel ill (never purging) like today- I was going to be good- knowing I couldn't get weighed due to plans just being too hectic- work, lunch with a friend and cleaning etc. My head just started going "oh well just have a couple of extra syns it'll be fine- no one need know" of course I had a few extra syns, and a few more, and a few more. Now I just feel ashamed- sitting here- knowing that the insanity has returned thinking "why the hell did I think it was going to be different this time?"

Einstein once said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results" by that definition I must be insane. I then beat myself up for it when I realise that I've fallen for it again!

I am in the process of working on willingness to accept that there are some things that I just cannot eat- because it sets off a trigger to want to eat like that. Cereal like Weetabix is one- strange as it sounds. There are a few things like that. I am going to work with someone who has experience with this kinda thing- someone who has suffered with an addiction to food and is recovering. I trust her judgement and experience and I look forward to sharing with her. 

In the last few months- while getting help with this- I have met a few wonderful people who I respect and have a great affinity with. I can talk to them about this and not be judged, laughed at, told that it's only "a bit of food" or the worst comment I can hear "it's ok- you can have a blowout now and again- look how far you've come"

One week, about a month ago, I got weighed but couldn't bear to stay for image therapy. I had a blind weigh in- I knew I gained big- I FELT it- and my clothes were tighter. I was ashamed, hurt, humiliated (not at slimming world just at my actions the weekend before). I spoke to one person at the group- and she told me that I could easily get it off because I've done it before. I know people mean well but that is such a hurtful thing to hear when you have lost weight and can't seem to get out of the spiral of gaining. It made me feel like even more of a failure- even though of course that person was just trying to be kind and supportive. But- I spoke to my consultant during the week and she was awesome- she is there for support when I need her- I can never fault her- not at all.

Now I tried a week of success express- literally writing everything down that I ate- stuck to plan RIGIDLY- kept busy, moved around more and I felt great- lost 3.5lb or something that week- then 4lb the week after and got to target. It was a great feeling- but then I went right back into the craziness because I thought I was ok!

That week I put on enough to get OUT of target in one week- this week would have been my grace week but I booked a holiday because I was so busy- and also couldn't face the scales- that's the first time I've done that- usually I do get weighed anyway!

Anyway the last few days my mental health has been pretty grim- depressed, anxiety been bad and just been in a state of doom and gloom- one positive of that is I have never slept so much in a long time! Early nights and naps in the day just because it was easier to deal with stuff (or not in this case) if I was sleeping. I have spoken to a few people and even though I have not got out of this mental funk- I feel a bit more loved than I did a couple of days ago. I am lucky to have people in my life who don't judge me, who don't tell me to just "get over it" (even though there are people like that in my life too) who are there to let me rant, moan and get this stuff out. And who love me for me- not for who I should be. I'm not a disappointment to them, they are patient and caring and I really am blessed.

I might not be happy but I can squeeze out a bit of gratitude.

Now- this isn't much about weight loss- this is one of those "flutterby is mad so she needs to get it out of her head so she can take the power out of it". But I have a plan in place.


There is my nice big (double) line- drawn- new week starts now.

I am going to live in the day- take it hour by hour or minute by minute if I have to.

I am going to get up- give myself 10 minutes of "me time" to get some Enya on (my chill out music) and relax. 
I am going to plan my meals- following the "success express" plan because I mean business!
I am going to up my exercise if possible- even if it's just  walk around the park. Hopefully I can drag someone out with me for company.
I am going to share how I am feeling- not bottle it up and "pop" every so often.
I am going to be patient and not beat myself up.
I'm also not going to worry about next Tuesday- if I am out of target so be it- I just have to focus on being the best I can be on any given day- that's all I can do.

I leave for New York in 3 weeks and 6 days- I not only want to be at target but I want to be comfortable in my own skin. That's 27 single days to try and be the best person I can be- and with the help of my loved ones, my friends inside and outside of Slimming World, I can do this.

I can't do it on my own- but we can- TOGETHER!

Thanks for letting me rant- I love you all- let's rock this!

Much Love,
Tanya x