Sunday, 23 September 2012

Finals, Overeating and Holidays!

Hello you lot! 

Sorry it's been so long. Being honest, I have felt like such a grot lately, I've just had no energy to do an update. It's been a tough week and a bit.

The Woman of the Year district finals were last Sunday- what a day that was! I was nervous, emotional and a wreck by the end of it. There were 31 of us on the day- out of something like 275 group winners.

I got into the final 8 and stood up and told my story in front of a group of strangers. It was quite an experience. I wasn't in the comfort of my Slimming World room, but in a big room, surrounded by members and consultants.

I unfortunately didn't progress to the semis. There were 2 winners, one lady from Wales, with a 15 1/2 stone loss and a lady from my local area with a 14 1/2 stone loss. 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. Truth be told, with so much positive energy from people, I was expecting to progress. That's dangerous for me. I know if I get my hopes up, or if someone else does it for me, that I feel like a complete failure if I don't succeed.

Listening to the inspirational stories from all the women in the top 8, I remember looking at Julie and shaking my head as if to say "I haven't won this". 

I went home afterwards feeling like I somehow failed. Oh boy did I ever wallow in self pity- armed with a cake, swiss roll and copious amounts of toast.....Then sitting there thinking "Tanya, have the last 18 months taught you nothing?"

Monday I went for a meal with an old uni mate and hit the gluten and carbs again. Afterwards I went to visit Caz. Really the best thing I could have done to be honest. Sometimes you just need a mate to rant to, get the emotions out then sit and talk crap and watch tv with. She fed me well, mushy pea curry and half syn cake. We watched John Bishop on DVD and had a laugh. Definitely what this flutterby needed!

I went to weigh in the next day- still full of food, 3lb heavier than the week before. I knew it wasn't a true weight gain- as I weighed 12st 4.5lb on sunday and 12st 7lb on Tuesday.

I was determined to stay at target by the time I got back off my holidays. And I have been ok.

And I really just mean "ok". Wednesday up until, well, about 2 hours ago, I didn't go over my syns. I had 2 b's, as is my entitlement, being at target. But I have been eating way more than usual. In fact, I just couldn't stop sometimes. Going back to eating on emotion, just a little bit.

Thinking positive though, last time I went away on holiday- from the weigh in on Tuesday to me leaving on Monday morning all I did was eat rubbish- pizza, takeaways, chocolate..........anything! This time, apart from some chocolate at around midnight, I have been quite good where syns are concerned. Definite improvement!

So I'm going on holiday in 6 1/2 hours. Of course I'm not finished with my preparations yet! But that's ok- I'm just double checking things. I thought doing a blog was more important, mainly because I needed to get this out. 

Actually- I've gotten out for a few days- this emotional stuff. This ego deflation. I found it hard to accept that I didn't do "as well" as people expected me to. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had something to prove, yet I couldn't prove it.

Oh what rubbish!

After a long chat with someone on Thursday, I really accepted the events of the last week. Truth is, no one, apart from me actually, can take away the fact that I have lost 10 stone. No one can take away the change that has had on me, how my life has gone from the pathetic, despairing, grotty pit of horridness, to something meaningful and rewarding.
I don't need a sash or a title to say that I am a target member or to be a help or inspiration to others. Of course winning Woman of the Year would have been a huge honour- even having the opportunity to go to head office. But the truth is, and I accept it now, it just wasn't my time. It mightn't ever be my time. But that's ok.

I can move forward with acceptance and a bit more positivity. I have so much going for me now- which I didn't have when I was 22 1/2 stone. My job, which is going permanent. My health, mentally and physically. My friendships, even though I had some friends, I didn't have many- I now don't have fear of forming friendships today.

Most importantly- I can keep telling my story. Hopefully with that comes inspiration for other people- showing people that it *can* be done. I needed inspiration when I was starting out- and I still do now to some extent! I don't have this cracked- I still need my support network, friends and family surrounding me!

So this flutterby has some hope.

And this flutterby is really looking forward to her holiday- especially wearing a bikini for the first time in FOREVER!!! I'm sure there will be lots of pictures- my camera is charging as I type (maybe not bikini pictures but I'm sure lots of other piccies!)

So be good- and see you all when I get back!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Friday, 14 September 2012

Fat Flutterby is 1!

Happy Birthday to my little blog! 

So much has happened in that time- ups, downs and a few in-betweeny moments!

I've just looked at the stats and this blog has over 16,700 page views and 63 followers! That is insane! I just thought it was going to be me, chatting to myself on my own!

In the last year, I have received a few inboxes off people who have been touched by reading my posts. They have either found identification, inspiration or hope. 

I never thought in a million years I would be an inspiration to someone. Nor did I think I would ever be able to offer someone some hope. As you all will know from reading my previous posts, or from knowing me personally, I was in a state before I found my local Slimming World group. My weight had gotten me down so much that I didn't think I had much hope in living much longer.

It's amazing how much life can change in such a short space of time. I am happy, content, without fear. I can go out, enjoy company of others and even enjoy my own company. I am still Tanya, just happier, more gobby and 10 stone lighter!

Knowing that others have gotten something from this blog makes things even more worthwhile. My life is great- and I want others to experience that too. I want others to see that if I can lose the weight, so can they- whether it's 10lb or 10 stone+. Any amount of weight to lose is life changing and if you have lost even just 1/2lb then you are winning- you are closer to target than when you started.

The point is not giving up. Just putting one foot in front of the other and plodding along. Even if it's slower than you want it to be- you didn't put the weight on overnight. It took me 8 years to get to the size I did. As long as I aimed for the little targets and as long as I didn't give up, I knew I was going to be ok!

Ok- now, more of an update next time- it is totally time for bed.

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog over the last year- here's to another great year! Hopefully more of us wearing our target badges with pride!!!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Doing the Talk and Remembering....

Whew! I am so tired! Yesterday really took it out of me!

Got up at about 7am, realised that I forgot my weigh in clothes (I wasn't at home). So on the way to group, I popped into Asda to get a pair of leggings- since all I had was vesty tops and jeans!

I decided to get weighed at the 9am group so I could eat a decent breakfast. I lost 3lb this week- taking my total loss to 10 stone 3lb. I'm 2lb under my target weight but still in my range- which is ideal.

I was there to practice my 5 minute talk, which I will be doing at the District finals of Woman of the Year on Sunday. So I was there all day!

The 9am group was PACKED!! Quite a few new members and it was standing room only! A nervous start but once I started I was fine. I had a couple of people come to me afterwards and say how their journey is. There were a few people saying how my talk has helped them refocus and keep at their weight loss- which was just fantastic!

The 11am group was lovely too- and the 1pm group had me well fed (thanks Alan!!) 

Between the 1pm and 5pm group, Julie and I worked on the board for the finals- which I've been sworn to secrecy about until Sunday- but I shall post it up on Sunday- promise! You'll love it!

5pm I had a nice break- nattered to the members, most of which are like my family now! and just chilled with a hot choc and a rocky road bar. It was great to be there- we have 2 brand new target members- one of which is my lovely friend, Maz, who always says she only joined up to give me a free week! There she was, over 2 1/2 stone lighter and a brand new target member! Amazing!

7pm was a great group- I take the money for that group but not ever stayed for the group- it was fantastic!

What I love about all of the groups is every one of them is different- but are all amazing! I got something from every one of those groups on Tuesday!

I have even more respect for Julie too, after yesterday which I never thought possible- since I respect her tonnes as it is! But being there for 14 hours, doing what she does, it's incredible. The woman is amazing! She's there for every one of her members and will always take time to speak to them. 

Anyway- she hates it when I big her up like that- but I think she deserves the recognition!!

I had a few people come to me and tell me about their journeys, what it's like for them, or what it was like. If they were struggling, etc. It was humbling, to say the least. People see me or hear my story and sometimes get inspiration and hope from it. I needed that throughout my journey- and still do. The joys of Slimming World is we ARE all there to support each other. We can all inspire others and we can all seek inspiration- whether we're in our first week or if we've been at target for 10 years!

After reading a very emotional comment on my blog just now, it makes me remember how bad it was for me, before I started to lose the weight. The depths of despair, the depression, the horrible thinking and the desperation to get the help and to not be the person I was...

I am such a lucky girly to have found the love and support that I have got, through SW. I sense that non- Slimming World friends on my facebook could be getting bored- but I am so passionate about the plan that I can't help but shout about it from the roof tops!

Slimming World, the members, my consultant and other people i've met along the way, have a huge part to play in my weight loss. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I really wish I could encourage more people to do this, if they want to lose weight.

It doesn't have to be a case of life or death for everyone- a lot of people do it to fit into a certain outfit, or to look good for photos on their holidays. For some, like me, it was the end point, the rock bottom. I have no shame in saying that I wanted to die. I was in the depths of despare and Slimming World WAS my last chance.

Today, people who read this blog can see the difference. People who know me personally even more so. I am still Tanya, I am still me with different packaging. I'm just more gobby, more happy and actually love my life. 

I hope that people continue to get something out of my journey- even if it's just a bit of identification. I remember feeling so alone when I was at my biggest- that others would never understand what it was like to be the size I was. I thought I was the only person in the world to feel the way I did. So if someone sees my story and says "that was me", maybe that will help them a bit. That's all I wish for.

And of course- looking at peoples' journeys keeps me going too. Thats why I stay for image therapy, that's why I love reading other blogs and inboxes.

Right! I must get to my pit- it's half 2 in the morning and I was planning on an early night!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Mushy Pea Curry and Being Positively Saintly!

Hey you lot- just realised it's been a while, so thought a quick update before bed was in order!

I have been so good this week! I have had a couple of moments where I have eaten a bit more than I should- but mostly free food. I had a treat on Tuesday- but it was Chicken and black bean- I had a couple of hot chocolates in group- but it was a grand total of 14 1/2 syns- still within my syn allowance for the day. 

I have cut down my healthy extras this week. See, when you get to target, you get an extra Healthy B a day, to help with maintaining your target weight. Because I want to lose this week, I decide to go back down to 1.

Last week I put on 1.5lb which is fine, I'm still in my target range, just 1lb over my original target weight (we can go 3lb either way) But that gets me dead on 10 stone loss. So I really want to get close to the bottom end of my target. Not only for the Woman of the Year district finals (which are in less than a week now- this coming Sunday!) but I am going on holiday in 2 weeks and I wouldn't mind getting to the bottom end of target, to be on the safe side. The last thing I want to do is slip out of target and pay!

But I intend on being a bit more in control than last time, though. I can be more prepared. I think when I went away in May, I struggled because it was my first time away since starting Slimming World. This time- flutterby is prepped!

So yes- I have been very well behaved- I've got 1 more day to make it happen- so I am opting for a red day. I really hope I can get the loss I want. We shall see on Tuesday morning (getting weighed early) all I can do is my best- and accept whatever the scales say- good or bad!

I cooked today! Mushy pea curry (don't wrinkle your nose!!) Actually- that's what I did when I heard about it! It took me to pluck up the courage to try it. It was only because someone made it on Tuesday at group and I tried it- oh yum!!

It's nice and simple

1 tin mushy peas
1 tin beans
1 tin chopped tomatoes
2 small onions
handful mushrooms
curry powder

1) dry fry onions, mushrooms and garlic
2) add peas, beans and tomatoes
3) mix in curry powder, to taste. I put in 1tsp of Medium powder, could have done with a teensy bit more for me, but didn't want to overdo it.
4) blitz with food processor until it's at your preferred consistency. 

I threw in some chicken pieces on top and served with rice and salad.

The curry itself (without chicken) is totally free on green and extra easy (even with the chicken it's free on EE) and is rather tasty! I definitely recommend it!

Anyway- it's time for me to head to bed- I'm having some pictures taken for my board tomorrow- after piccies of course! I have to post a package as well, and I'm in work for 5. I'm meeting Caz afterwards, since she's up this way doing her "thing" (her amazing talk). Busy busy

Keep those fingers crossed for tuesday please!

Much Love
Tanya x

Monday, 3 September 2012

Enjoying the Sun and New Job Prospects

Hey guys, sorry for the gap between updates- I seem to have had no time to myself to just sit and write one!

Firstly- I thought I'd share- today (3rd September) marks exactly 2 months since I got to target! Wow, doesn't time fly. It's crazy- it only feels like a few weeks since that moment. I am still there, still at group, still at target. Still food optimising- definitely something I intend on doing for a while yet because I want to stay at target- and this is the best way of going about it.

So lately, when the weather has been picking up, I have found myself outside, basking in the warm light. Just me and my ipod. I love it- I find a brisk walk really lifts my mood now. 

I have been filling out the application form for the Woman of the Year competition and I have been thinking a lot about what I was like before losing weight. And I still get surprised at how different I am in some ways. The fact that I can now just go out for a walk, without fear, without physical limitations and without panic attacks. I can talk to people and be Tanya, rather than be the person that I think they want me to be. I may use humour a lot- but I don't use it to mask how I'm really feeling, which is what I always used to do. I was always the first person to say I was fat, because if I did that, then people would be less likely to insult me because of my size.

Now, I'm happy with me. I have fear sometimes but I am not fearful. I don't let it take over my life.

There is a big huge life out there for me and I am going to enjoy it! I'm 24 and finally able to live! 

I don't know if you can tell but I do have a little bit of gratitude. my life is good- that is down to Slimming World!

I've been offered a permanent contract in work- which is another big thing that is totally awesome! It's in a different department- Home Shopping, as a Personal Shopper (or "picker"). Basically what we will be doing is when someone orders their shopping online, we get their shopping for them! There are a few people I know that have got the same job that I will be working with- which I am super excited about! I am so glad that I will know people that I'll be working with, rather than starting afresh. And it's people I get on with too.

I've been offered 20 hours a week, all early starts- very early. But it's permanent! I get paid holidays, regular contracted hours and I won't have to rely on the rota to know what I'm working every week!

So it's all good here right now!

The deadline for the Woman of the Year application is Wednesday. It's all written out in rough, I'm going to write it out in neat tomorrow- in my bestest handwriting!! The district finals are less than 2 weeks away, so I'm going to stock up on tissues because I think a few tears are going to be let out on that day! It's going to be a good day- lots of inspirational stories!

Ok- time for bed! Busy day tomorrow! Including weigh in- eek! It never gets any easier- even though I'm at target!

Much Love,
Tanya x