Friday, 30 December 2011

2011 in a nutshell

So, this is it guys- my last blog post of 2011! I can't believe how fast this year has gone, it doesn't seem long since I started my Slimming World journey, even though it was 8 1/2 months ago!

What has 2011 been like for me?

I've gotta be honest, this is one of the best years that I've had, in a long while. Not only am I 6 1/2 stone lighter than I was this time last year, but my confidence has been boosted and my quality of life is generally a lot better.

A year ago, I never thought I could get a job. I thought that I was a waste of space with no hope of achieving anything. Another failed attempt at university was looming and I was just feeling like a complete disappointment.

I knew that my family were ashamed of me. Wouldn't be seen out with me, because I looked so horrendous, wouldn't show people pictures of me because of how fat I was. Might not be the nicest thing in the world, but it was definitely a wake up call for me. The last thing I wanted was to make the people I loved ashamed of me. I had no job, my education was still on the edge of failure and my health (physical and mental) were going down the toilet.

It may have taken a while to eventually get the help I needed when it came to my weight. I had stopped attending lectures because other students were making fun of me. Making snide comments in earshot, making "oink" noises when I waddled past...I couldn't bear it anymore, so I gave up.

In April, after seeing a good friend of mine lose a decent amount of weight with SW, I decided (with some financial support from another friend) that I should give it a go. I know that some people close to me had the "I'll believe it when I see it" attitude- and rightly so- they had seen me try to lose weight many times and fail. 

It took me a while to get into the swing of things. I actually looked at the time it took to get my different awards. 2 weeks to get my 1/2 stone award. Then I had to wait another 5 weeks to get my 1 stone award. Every other 1/2 stone award has taken either 2-3 weeks to achieve, so I can safely say that it took a while to get used to SW. But with the support of the group, Julie, my close friends and some of my family members (my mum and Niall mainly) I started to lose the pounds pretty quickly.

With the weight loss comes a new found confidence. I could go out on my own more, without having panic attacks. The first time I went out and didn't freak out at all was after losing about 3 stone. Before that point I used to be extremely fearful, no matter how far out the house I went. I still get my moments now, I don't think that I'm going to get rid of the anxiety fully any time soon. But it's all about putting one foot in front of the other and coping with the anxieties when they appear. 

This new confidence I have has given me the ability to apply for jobs and to actually work for the first time in forever. Ok, I did have my voluntary job, but some days I just didn't turn up, because I panicked about going out, or I was achy or just not feeling well. The 2 jobs that I have now I have a 100% attendance rate. Might not sound like much to some of you, but to me that is a huge deal. I am more reliable than I ever was (even though my timekeeping still leaves a lot to be desired!!!). I enjoy my jobs. In fact, I am really sad about my last shift at Asda (which is this Sunday). Looking positively though- I am going to be kept on a seasonal contract- which means that I can go back at Easter, and any other busy times of the year. So it's not the end there! You never know- I might end up getting a permanent job there! (here's hoping)

One other thing I have learned this year is that negative people are not worth staying in my life. There have been some friends and family who I have decided to detach from. Either because their drama was no longer amusing me or because their negativity was grinding me down. On one side, I think it's a bit hypocritcal of me- I was extremely negative all the time, but most people stuck by me...but on the other hand I am trying to heal and become positive and have a better outlook on life. I can't do that with drama llamas and uber pessimists around me all the time.

So the only people I let into my life are people who I love, respect and care about. People who do have bad times happen in their lives, but have the ability to see light and shine rather than sit in the dark moping. People who make me laugh.

This year has been pretty awesome for me. I'm actually a bit sad that it's leaving- but I'm looking forward to 2012. If 2011 has been great- then next year can be even more so!

It's so exciting!

I'm so glad to have you lot with me on this journey. I wouldn't be who I am without you- that's the truth. I love my life, yes there are a few things I would change, but I can accept that I am exactly where I am meant to be right now.

I lie- I should be in bed right now- and that's where I am going now!

So- happy new year. I truly hope that 2012 is a great year for all of us!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Happy Christmas!

Or Merry Christmas if you're reading this a little bit tipsy! 

This week has been pretty hectic, with long shifts at Asda as well as the normal hours in the off licence. But I survived my Asda-thon and am enjoying my day off today!

I'm wondering how many Slimming World members have stuck to plan today. I haven't! I've had 47 syns today. Ok, that's 3 times more than the daily amount we should have- but I have only had a few syns each day this week. So I won't be over for the whole week!

Back on plan 100% from tomorrow!

So work has been hectic. It was a 65 hour week this week. I'm in 8am-5pm tomorrow in a different department and I'm guessing that it's going to be mad busy since sales start tomorrow. I'm not feeling too great today physically. I have a very scratchy throat and have a bit of a cough. I hope that I feel better tomorrow, the last thing I want to do is feel like poop when working  for 9 hours! 

I've agreed to overtime too- some hours on Tuesday to Thursday. Not many hours, but it's better than nothing! More money in the pot!

I've had a lovely day today, even though I've been feeling under the weather. I enjoyed a lie in. Then opened presents with mum, Niall and Jamie. After breakfast I went to visit my dad, then to my friend's for a few hours. 

Christmas dinner was awesome, and I did indulge a bit more than planned but that's ok. Last year I ate lot more, as well as drinking copious amounts of J20s. So in comparison to last year, I have been rather saintly!

There have been a few people who have told me that they have been off plan for a while, and will get back on the "wagon" in the new year. That's ok if they're happy with that. But for me, I wouldn't want to go overboard for longer than 1 day. I wouldn't want to go back to my old habits, which has taken a lot of effort to get out of. I don't want to be back there. I didn't like the person that I was becoming, which was basically a useless slob, for want of a better term. I was a state. Even though my head may not be in the perfect place, I am getting there, slowly but surely. I'm a work in progress, I still want to be progressing. There is no way I want to go back to the old Tanya. She's long gone.

So one day, that's all I wanted, and I got it. Maybe a bit more naughty than planned, but I enjoyed it, that's all that matters. Of course, I'm hoping the scales don't penalise me for this, they shouldn't- I just need to be as active as I can over the next 2 days and eat a lot of superfree food. 2 days to make it happen!

Anyhoo- i think it's time for bed. Hope to update a bit more next time, when I'm feeling a bit better. 

Crossing fingers that this icky sickiness doesn't last- a green tea before sleep, with some lemon might help soothe it.

Hope you all had a great Christmas Day!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

A Good Day All Round!

Hello there! I bet you're thinking "wait- it's not been a week since the last update has it?" No- no it has not. I really want to get back into this, so I am working hard to find time to do an update. So here we are!

Ok that's it for now...........

Only kidding!

Today has been a good day (can you tell by the title? It's pretty well hidden I know).

Today was Day 3 of Asdathon. My longest shift yet! I was working 12.30-10pm! Which (if you're any good at maths) you can work out as a 9 1/2 hour shift. Woo!

So, because of my hours, I had to get weighed in the morning. So I did. 2.5lb off this week. Even though I was a touch disappointed, I know that 2.5lb is an amazing loss and I should be happy. I think it was just because I had been so good, and worked so hard at staying on plan, I thought I deserved a bigger loss. But not to worry! It's still a big loss!

It was a taster session at group. I was intending on making stuffed tomatoes with bacon and egg (since it was a breakfast time group!) But I didn't get round to it. But I enjoyed what I ate. 

I got home and got ready for work, and set off out for my shift.

It was manic- even though there were quiet moments, the busy times were quite overwhelming. For me, working is a big deal. Considering a year ago, the place I was at mentally and emotionally,  where I was barely able to leave the house, never mind go to a busy superstore and work on the front line, with lots of people around me, talking to people I don't know! It's great really. But, there are moments (I'm sure most people have these too) where I feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious. Which makes me scared of messing up- which causes me to mess up...

Well, there were a few issues with my till- the conveyor belt stopped working, so I was moved to another till. Then it started working again, so I was to move back to my original till. My last customer on the second till gave me about 25 coupons to scan, and they didn't like to scan easily! Which took forever to do.

Then, back on the first till, me feeling run ragged, felt frustrated that I needed one of the runners (or supervisors, I suppose they could be seen as that too) to give me the keys to the lock on the till, so I could open it. When I called from my till (there's a little speaker/phone thingy on each till) the person on the other end answered in a really exasperated, peeved off voice. Maybe it wasn't that, maybe I was just feeling like poop, but it really made me feel bad, like I wanted to cry.

Anyway, I was struggling for a little bit, of course at Asda you have to be all smiley and helpful and I was not feeling the slightest bit "smiley".

One of the runners (who is very...I guess, strict would be the right word) came up to me as I was serving the customer, and rather mentally exhausted (disguised as in a jokey voice) I said "Oh what have I done now?". To which she replied, "Nothing, I just wanted to let you know that a custome paid a compliment to you. So thank you", smiled, then left! My god I was over the moon (after the initial scary moment where I thought she said a customer had made a *complaint*). That got my smile back on my face!

Anyhoo- I managed to persuade the supervisor to give me a joint dinner and break (so 45 minutes) so I could go to my 5pm group- to see everyone before xmas. They might not have been bothered to see me, but to spend half an hour with people that I know, in a place where I feel safe and able to really be myself (I do feel as though where my SW group is is my "safe place" a lot of the time) it really boosted my mood. The cup of tea and the few bits of food really helped!

The second part of my shift was long since I had no break, but I survived, til 10pm, just! A few incidents, like one woman who forgot her purse, so her husband drove to their house to pick it up. but we chatted (about SW actually- because she goes to a local group) and other tills were free, so no worries there. 

I'm tired now though, so much for a quick update! It's now nearly 1am and I'm up at 7.30, so I am totally off to bed right now, I'm exhausted!! 9-8.45 shift tomorrow! I'm going to be pooped! but at least I can have an earlier night!

Hope you're all doing awesome!
Much Love,
Tanya x

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Feeling Festive!

I am indeed! Which isn't like me at all!

Today was my first day of, what I am calling, Asda-thon. Which is basically the 7 shifts I have at Asda before Christmas. Today was a cosy 12-4.30 (but I got out at 4.15 which was just awesome). Most people were buying their festive goodies, and I was cursing them under my breath for being able to eat such nice, naughty food! heehee.

Tomorrow is day 2- a 3-10pm shift. Which isn't too bad, I can have a nice lie in. But, I have a tonne of stuff to do! I want to head to Morrisons and get my sausages (since I'm all out!) and get myself a lovely alcohol free, mini xmas pud! It's about 15 syns, but we all need to splurge a bit at Christmas, right?

Anyway- I also need to get cooking! Tuesday is weigh day, as always. But since I am working a 12.30-10pm shift, I am going to the early group (9am). We're having a taster session. So I want to make something. With Julie's suggestion (it wasn't her exact suggestion- but it helped!) I'm going to make stuffed cherry tomatoes (wish I had a melon baller, I tells ya!). Because it's morning, and breakfast time, I'm going to make a breakfast one. With bacon and egg with a bit of extra light mayo. There are popular sandwich fillers that are that flavour, and I am a fan, so I hope my home made ones will turn out awesome! we shall see! I'm going to do a test batch just to see how they do, Im going to have some hot and some cold, to see if i can get away with them being cold- saves me cooking on tuesday morning, i can just make a batch tomorrow and leave them for the morning, if they turn out ok!

Another thing I need to do is to sort out Christmas presents. I have only done 1 over the last few days- but I have cut out the shapes for another  4 or 5, all I need to do is stitch them and stuff them. But I need to get ribbon to put on the top so the people who receive them can put them on their tree! Again, more shopping tomorrow. I might just do that before I head to work, then just attach the ribbon when I get home from work- that shouldn't take long at all! I actually love making the presents! And I hope my friends appreciate them, since I made them just for them!

So as you might be able to tell, I am in a bit more of a positive mood than I was in my last blog. See!! I knew it would pass!

The only thing I'm a touch worried about is I was on the Wii this morning and it said that I had gained 3lb! I am hoping that the Wii is just broken or something because I have been an ANGEL this week (well, slimming world wise anyway!). I did 40 minutes walking today, 20 minutes to and from work, and an extra 50 minutes on the wii fit. so some decent body magic.

I hope it pays off!

Looking forward to a great (albeit busy) day tomorrow. Off to have my last cup of tea of the day and head to bed. I want to be bright eyed and bushy tailed for my shift tomorrow!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Friday, 16 December 2011

A Bit of a Stuggle.


Seriously there have been times where I have sat down here and gone "right- time to update my blog" then either someone calls me, emails me, chats to me on facebook, whatever and that's it.

So I want to do a quick(ish) update before I head to bed.

I have been struggling a lot lately, hence why I wanted to update this. Because sometimes just typing it out helps to make me feel better. 

Last week was tough. I picked a lot and ate more than I should have. I was also very lax about syns and taking more for my healthy extras than I should have done. Not surprisingly, I only lost 1/2lb. Now, it could have been so so so much worse, I know this. I deserved a gain- and I'm grateful that I didn't. 

I was rather upset though because I went to group early, specifically to speak to Julie, due to the fact that I had been struggling so much, I really needed to talk it through with her, especially with Christmas coming up and an extremely stressful week leading up to it (more on that in a bit). I get to the building and saw the lights on and thought "great! she's in already!" I go in and all the room was weird- boards I didn't recognise and it was just laid out "weird" (aka I wasn't used to it). And sitting at the laptop wasn't Julie, but Liz, who does the thursday group round the corner from me. Now, I like Liz, she's really nice from what I can tell (I haven't really chatted to her much at length) and I hear she's a great consultant. But she's not Julie (obviously). I guess if I was a different kind of person I would have spoken to Liz. But even with a newfound confidence and being a bit more cheerful (usually) I didn't feel comfortable enough to share all with Liz. I still don't trust easy. I don't know if I ever will, that might just be something that's stuck with me. All I know is that I was definitely gutted not to see Julie's face on Tuesday.

I was initially very worried- because it's not like Julie to not be there. But Liz told me that she was on her holidays. I know it's wrong, but only half of me was happy for her that she was away on holiday. The other half felt somewhat abandoned. I know it's not all about me and I know what I felt was selfish. So please don't remind me of that, it's not going to make things any better. I'm being honest, I was hurting and I felt really down about it. 

Anyway- I got weighed, accepted what the numbers said and ended up calling work to see if they had some available overtime. I rushed home, had some quick food and mum drove me to work. 

Since then I have still been off beam. I am being so anal about stuff- my healthy extras are being measured out and I am sticking on plan to.the.letter. no picking on stuff that isn't free, no matter how tasty it looks. And I tell you now, because my head isn't in the right place, it makes things a million times harder, because all I want to do is buy a massive baguette from Asda and nom on that with a load of butter. It won't make me feel better though. I'll just feel depressed that I ate all that stuff. But my head is saying otherwise.

I just keep telling myself "this too shall pass"

I'm just trying to find time to do everything and be organised for christmas. I have about half a dozen presents and cards to make but with the amount of hours i'm working (including the off licence i'm working about 66 hours next week) and the amount of rest i'll be needing, I'm finding it all quite tough. I wanted to cook a bit more too, but that's not gonna happen!

I'm sad too because I can't go to my regular SW group on Tuesday- because they put me on a 12.30-10pm shift! So I'm getting weighed early (at 9am) I might get there early to speak to Julie- but knowing my luck everyone else will be in the same boat! Especially it being the last weigh in before Christmas! I'm tempted to ask her if we can meet up some time before Christmas, if she's free- but obviously the fear of rejection is stopping me from doing that.

Stupid fear!

Anyhoo- so yeah things, emotionally, are a bit frazzled. But that's ok, really. I'm being good, I'm keeping active and I am hoping for a nice loss on those scales on Tuesday! 

Everything else in my life is good though! I shouldn't (and won't for that matter) forget that. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and I've got a supportive family (ok that basically consists of my mum and my brother- but better than nowt, right???). I have 2 jobs at the moment and will have a bit more money coming in for a little while, which means I'll be out of debt quicker.

Think of the positives, Tanya!

I'll be ok- what I'm feeling is only temporary, people struggle, it happens, right? It's what people DO when they are struggling that can be the problem. I know I could do a lot of things to harm myself- get drunk and comfort eating just being 2 things. But instead I'm going to work hard at my jobs, enjoy the time I do have free to relax and maybe focus on meditation and stick to my awesome Slimming World plan.

And keep at this blog! 

I might not update a lot but of course I appreciate people reading it :)

Ok time for bed, lots to do tomorrow! 

Much Love,
Tanya x

Saturday, 10 December 2011

New Job and Shiny Stickers

Hola! Only me!

I've been meaning to do this for a few days but, as usual, time keeps running away from me- and I'm too slow to chase after it!

Lots of stuff to report- and most of it is good (actually, I think all of it is!)

So you know that interview I had on Friday? Yeah- I got a call on Tuesday evening, literally just as Slimming World finished. It was one of the women who was there doing the shadowing, and she offered me a job! Ok, I applied for chilled and got checkouts- but yay! Job!! I had to go in for an induction on Thursday and for a bit of training. I was chuffed to bits!

So, still on Tuesday, of course, weigh day! I needed 2.5lb for that 6 stone award. And...I lost...

2.5lb! Woohoo!

So I am at 6 stone lost, exactly. In less than 8 months (it'll be 8 months a week on Monday) which is just awesome really. I continue to surprise myself! So that means a new sticker for my book and a new certificate for my fridge! I also won Slimmer of the Week, which was even more awesome. That's 15 slimmer of the weeks in 32 weeks. I bet people are getting sick of me now! heehee.

On to Thursday. My new job training!

Well, it started off disappointingly, because they told us our contracts are only until Christmas Eve! That's only 2 weeks! But, that's more money than if I wasn't working- gotta keep thinking like that. 

We were there for 6 hours, ish. Got lots of paperwork done and watched a lot of cheesy videos. It was nice actually. Moreso when I realised that I was getting paid for being there! 

We had to go in yesterday (Friday) too. For till training. It was a bit quick. We were there for 3 hours and half of it was more forms! we had about half an hour of someone telling us how to work the till, then half an hour of shadowing someone and half an hour of actually having a go ourselves- with the person we were shadowing watching us in case we made any mistakes. So in total, an hour and a half of training. Not long, considering the next day I was going on a till, on my own, with no one behind me (apart from the people on the till behind me of course...)

I got to my shift this afternoon (I was the only new one on the till during that shift) and I got put on a till. I was moved to another one after about 20 minutes, and stayed there for the rest of the shift. Actually, it wasn't bad at all! I was panicking last night about getting it wrong, having a panic attack or just freaking out. I had left an envelope at Asda yesterday, containing a lot of stuff that I needed for today. So I was panicking about not being able to find it. Lo and behold, when I got there, it was in the place I left it. Panic over!

Apart from a couple of double scans, it was more or less incident-free. My mum ended up doing her shopping (with my brother) and I served her (shh- don't tell anyone please- apparently it's not allowed!) she complained that I was scanning the shopping too quickly! She expected me to scan slow. Oh well! heehee.

I got off the till at 4.30 and it was a mad dash to get to the off licence for 5. I was a couple of minutes late- mainly because I wasn't organised. I know for next time (which will be this coming Friday). The shift tonight was ok, Abby and I had a giggle and we made plans to cook each other stuff and have a mini party when we're working on Christmas Eve. I'm looking forward to it already!

Ok- so what else has happened this week?

Well~ last Saturday (I think) I put up a link on facebook which was of a pretty overbust corset that I thought was pretty, but was moaning that I couldn't afford. After a lot of umming and ahhing I decided to order it. I had £16 paypal so only needed a tenner. So I ordered it and I was all happy.

The next morning, Niall commented on the link saying "Merry Christmas your corset is now in the post, on the way to your house! " I was like "oh noooooo- 2 of the same one!!" so I emailed the company, asked if I could swap the one I ordered for a different one of the same price. I received an email a few hours later. "Your order has been dispatched" DAMMIT! Oh well- I'll send it back (when the one Niall ordered gets here!)

At least I have one for tomorrow!

"What's tomorrow?" I hear you ask. Well, I am going to a convention during the day and to a dance in the evening. I have had my pretty lace dress taken in so it fits better, and my corset is going to be worn over it (for the dance, of course). Most of the people that I am going to see there are people who I haven't seen for over a year. There are a few people who I have seen since I joined Slimming World, but most of them I haven't seen since about June, so I'll be all skinny compared to how they will have remembered me. So expecting one or 2 comments (awesome!)

Hoping to have my picture taken tomorrow, to show off my new outfit!

Ok I am going to bed now, very late night tonight, but an update was well overdue! Got lots to share, I'm sure I'll get round to it! I can't believe how hectic life is right now! I love it!!

Much Love, 
Tanya x

Saturday, 3 December 2011


Haha- bet you weren't expecting me were you?

I'm sorry bloggees- I have received a few stern words from people due to my lack of updates. I do have a very valid reason (I think)

Last Saturday I got told off for my terrible sleeping pattern (aka going to bed at 5am and waking up at some point in the afternoon- usually about 1.30pm). Basically, what happened was, my friend was coming over for a coffee. I did set my alarm for midday, giving me plenty of time to get up, get changed and potter about for a bit. Right? 

Well- in theory that would work great- but I never take into consideration the fact that I can sleep through any alarm. 

My poor friend was waiting outside for me (albeit not for long) and my mum had to let her in (when she got home from work). I felt terrible! And after a few stern words from her (she's a retired teacher- you can imagine what "stern words" means!) I thought it was a good idea to get back into a regular routine.

So since then (with the exception of tonight) I've been in bed before midnight and up between 8am and 10.30am (which is a huge improvement). It was hard work though.

Tonight, I was planning on going to bed about 1, but I started listening to music, uh oh. So I'm going to write this and head off to the land of nod!

Anyway- since the getting up early thing, I've been moving around more- getting out the house, spending a bit less time on the computer. I have always written these around this time of night (at stupid o'clock) so every time I remember to do this, the computer is off and I'm in bed. So, I'm sorry about that! But here I am now!

What have I got up to?

Well- on Monday, I did a lot of errands, did about 2 hours of walking or something. In the evening I helped Julie set up the room for SW on Tuesday (well-she was nearly done when I got there- I kept her company more than anything.) I got used to the "festiveness" of the room (bah humbug!)

Tuesday was, of course, weigh day. It was pretty activity filled. In the morning I watched Jeremy Kyle (my guilty pleasure!) while making christmas gifts for friends (my cost effective way of gifting people!). I went to the 1pm group to wait for my friend and after the group I went to hers for a bit. I finished off the presents while I was there (4 of them) and got them packed up to send. All 4 were international packages (But I'm not saying who- it's a surprise!) I then walked to my group (after posting the packages) and got weighed.

I lost 2.5lb! I was ecstatic, because that 2.5lb made it a stone in a month- something I hadn't done yet! So I was over the moon. I got Slimmer of the Month too. 

This week, too, I had a job interview! Yep! I applied for a position at Asda and the group interviews were yesterday (Friday). It was mad-there were 9 of us. We had to split into groups of 2 and make a tower out of marshmallows and spaghetti. It was so fun! There was a 1 to 1 interview too, and forms to fill in. I think I did ok. I will apparently hear back about that next week. It's only temporary, but it's some money I can put in the bank!

Work has been a little frustrating. We're being told that basically we're not doing our job properly. Which we are. All I want to say about that is that I'm trying to gain acceptance that my boss and I are not going to see eye to eye. I love the job- apart from the 10 minutes before my shift on a Friday. I shouldn't let 10 minutes ruin my 10 hours a week! I'll get there. I just need to be patient.

Anyhoo- this week I am focussed. I want to lose 2.5lb again- to get my 6 stone award! I don't know if I'll make it, but I have been good, going to do some more walking tomorrow and monday to hopefully shed a bit more. Here's hoping!!!

I hope you lot haven't missed me too much! Once I get used to my new routine, I should find it easier to update this. I know- I be bad!

Now- time for bed. I don't want to be going to bed any later and then end up sleeping in til stupid o'clock again! I actually like daytime! More sunlight and energy!

Until next time....

Much Love,
Tanya x