Saturday, 23 November 2013

Why We Need To Stick Up For The Becky Adlingtons Out There!

I am a regular, normal person. I am not a beauty queen, hot shot lawyer or olympian. Nor do I hold some kind of world record. 

I am a 25 year old woman who works in a supermarket. I have loose skin, my body hair is dark and grows WAY too fast and my IQ is a little above average. 

In the last 25 years I have been bullied for many different things- for wearing glasses, for being fat, for being tall, for being gay, for being left handed, for having reasonably bushy eyebrows and for having an anxiety disorder. I have had it pointed out for 25 years that I do not fit the "norm" of what the media portrays what I should be like. I do not look like a model, I have not got a "perfect" body (whatever one of those are!) and I have been ridiculed over something because of that!

I have started to accept my body a bit more- it has been through a lot in the last 2 1/2 years- losing 10 stone then yo-yoing with the odd 10-15lb. Trying to curb an eating disorder and trying to actually like myself. I am getting there- one day at a time- but I still get comments from people who don't know any better- I still get called "fat" even though I am a healthy weight for my height. 

This is something that has bothering me for a while, why people insist on portraying the "perfect" person and why we have to somehow fit that ideal or where are labelled as freaks. But also the people who allow that ideal to grow, the people who bully others for being different.

The reason why I am writing this is because I read the story about olympic swimmer, Rebecca Adlington- a tally of gold medals, world records and an all round awesome person. Someone who is respected by many for her athleticism, tenacity and ability to inspire generations into getting into the pool. As an ex-competitive swimmer I look up to her, I know how much effort goes into training and preparing for competitions.

Yet, this amazing, beautiful young woman is plagued by the demon that is low self-esteem- fuelled by horrible, judgemental comments on social media- or just media in general. They leave out her extraordinary talent as a sportswoman and focus on her weak point- the main weak point for all women- her looks!

I feel extremely inadequate when I am standing next to a skinny blonde with legs up to her armpits and who is covered in make up. I have learned from others that I should look less like me and more like them. Ironically I am sure that woman would look at me and want something that I have that they don't.

So I understand exactly why Becky is covering herself up- she is surrounded by people who are famous for no other reason other than for looking pretty. For being the "media model" of the perfect woman. I just hope to god that she realises that even though she looks nothing like them- she is still beautiful.

I know that there are children out there that watched her swim and are inspired to take up sport. In turn they are focusing on bettering themselves in an area rather than obsessing about how they look. That in itself is such an achievement and something that really should be applauded.

Being judgemental and being self conscious is a NURTURE thing- we are not born judgemental, nor are we born hating ourselves. We are taught that from society, from other kids in school and sometimes the adults around us. 

We need to show the kids of today that is is okay to be different! It is ok to not have a chiselled body. It is ok to have crooked teeth, poor eyesight or a bit of extra hair. It is ok to not be good at sport and it is ok if you are not good at a certain subject at school.

We need to show the kids of today that what they need to do is like themselves. Accept themselves. If they can do that then they can help others do the same. Rather than point out the flaws, point out what is good about them.

The people who need to read this probably won't care- the bullies, the comedians who think it's ok to make fun of others, the newspapers and media who constantly judge for a bit more money in the executives bonus at the end of the year. But there is one thing that we can do....

We can stand up against them!

If you see someone being made fun of- challenge them. Tell them that it is NOT ok to judge others for being different.

If you see a newspaper headline that ridicules someone because they are different- be it their gender, their looks, their intelligence, disability, sexuality, nationality- WHATEVER- don't buy the paper! Boycott it. The 50p you don't spend is 50p less revenue.

If you see a nasty comment on twitter, facebook or any other social networking site- especially if it is a celebrity- point out your disgust- tell them it is not acceptable. Then block them. The less people they have following them then they might just change their ways.

But most of all- love yourself- and others around you. Embrace your weirdness. Appreciate what makes you, you! Yes you might have a few extra pounds on you, you might be too short or too tall. You might have thinning hair or your teeth might be crooked. But that is ok. You are the only you this world has- please remember that.

Find something you are good at, that you enjoy and do it. If you want to be a writer, write! If you want to go into sport then do it. Just try your best and have fun!

Becky Adlington is the voice of many people out there- she is for me! She is not perfect but she is special, loved and is living life doing something that she enjoys to do.

I for one am standing beside her- are you?

Much Love,
Tanya x

Saturday, 12 October 2013

New York, New York!

Hi guys! Guess who is back!

My trip was amazing- it really was. I spent 2 1/2 weeks with a friend, who I love dearly. We did  lot of travelling- including one night in Manhattan where we met up with a gang of other people we know (we all met on the same website) and a weekend at a convention in New Jersey!

I learned a lot about myself- some of it was extremely painful to hear and accept. But now I know, I can do something about it. Also I have finally accepted that I have changed a lot in the last few years- stuff that I used to do I don't- that is a good thing. But I still have a lot to work on but I feel like it's not impossible- and I have the love and support off certain people so I can do it- and be a better person.

Anyway- eating wise- very mixed. We did NO cooking what so ever! Every day we ate out. The only thing we ate at home were lox (American for smoked salmon) and cream cheese bagels and leftovers from what we brought back from meals out. Most of my dinners were things like burgers, pizza, sandwiches, pancakes....all bad! Except we did go for sushi twice- which is a much more Slimming World friendly option- albeit mega expensive!!

However- I didn't binge eat once! Most of the time I ate 3 meals and no snacking. So even though the food was naughty my attitude around food was much better! It is progress for me and that makes me happy!

Also- I weighed myself on the Wii fit and it is telling me I have *only* gained 10lb! Some people would die with that but I am really content. No body magic, eating very high calorie foods- as well as just getting off a plane and star week...I will take that! I put on over double that when I went for Canada for the same length of time (25lb to be exact) I also have til Tuesday to get back on plan and make the damage even less! So feeling positive!

I had my last 2 doughnuts when I was at JFK airport. As soon as I was on the plane I stuck to plan- had my low fat meal and turned down the pretzels and fresh orange juice- opting for water and black coffee. At Dublin airport I had a diet coke then as soon as I got home I had bacon and egg sandwich- Slimming World style! I made curry muffins (curry loaf but in muffin cases) and had them with salad.

Today- I woke up late since my body clock is still 5 hours behind. I had 2 activa 0% yoghurts to tide me over til my meal. I went out for an appointment- popped into Asda (where I worked for half an hour off the clock- aren't I nice? lol) and then got home, had a bowl of salad, extra light mayo (1/2 syn) and 3 curry muffins. Pudding was sugar free jelly (1 syn)

I went to farmageddon with my Mum, a friend of ours (who has nearly lost 5 stone with SW- amazing woman!) and her son (another young relative of some kind). For those of you who don't know what Farmageddon is- it's a halloween attraction in a farm just outside of Liverpool- 3 haunted houses with scary zombies (all real people) and it's hilarious- I definitely recommend!

I got home and warmed myself up with porridge (with a dash of milk from my HEA but made with water and sweetener) and a bag of my favourite frozen fruit

I am a little hungry so will grab the last of those curry muffins to have with a cup of tea before bed.

To be honest- being back on plan and focusing on my food- it's given me something positive to focus on. I have been getting rather depressed and not wanting to do anything- I miss my friend in NY, I miss being there and having laughs with her. I realised last night how far she is- it's not like I can just get on a train or a bus- it takes months of organising- taking time off work- and costing a lot of money.

But absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that. I am so happy that she actually wants to have me back-as soon as next year! It surprises me more than anything because she knows all the bad stuff that I've done, the icky things I've never shared about with anyone- yet she still wants to know me! I am so glad of that too.

So after new year I am going to work out how long I can stay for and book my holidays from work in advance so I can go- then budget. So that extra £5 a week I will save being a target member will definitely come in handy!!

I have a lot to look forward to in the next year- my mum's wedding being one of them- so not wishing my life away- just keeping busy and looking forward to the life I have always wanted!

Now- I am going to finish my chores off, chill out and get ready for bed!

Good to be back- I've missed you all!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Here We Go Again...

Hi everyone- I can't believe it's been nearly a month and a half since my last post. If you are are on my Facebook page then you will see the more recent updates but even they have been few and far between.

To be honest- my mojo for writing has been gone for a long time. In fact my mojo in general has been pretty hidden especially over the last week or so. I kept saying to myself "I will do a blog post later" but it never comes- it's time for bed or I get distracted by shiny things. It's like my spark for getting my thoughts out has gone out. But I am gritting my teeth and getting on with it. So please bear with me!

As most of you will already know I got to target 2 weeks ago- finally after 7 months of up-down-up-down I was back where I was. That's it now- no more changing targets- I was at a happy, healthy weight- I didn't need to be any skinnier- even though at the time I disagreed.

But lately my eating problem has come to light. It's been there a while,  but I kept telling myself "it's ok- I'll just stick to plan and still lose, or maintain" or "it'll be different this time" before heading out on an evening of binging on sugar and general junk. It's insane. I can see it. I have experience with addiction- and it's like an alcoholic swearing off booze and saying "maybe I'll just have one or 2 to take the edge off things- it'll be different" only this is food- not alcohol. I am a compulsive overeater- I admit it- but still am struggling to accept it.

The thing is- I have been getting help with that- talking to people who understand. Because there is no point trying to talk to people who don't "get it"- people who think it's ok to just have the odd naughty day. Their naughty days consist of a couple of slices of cake and a sausage barm- mine are all out binges of anything and everything I can get my hands on- which in turn makes me physically sick and mentally exhausted. But I carry on- because I just can't stop. I feel like I'm going to be sick, I feel so ashamed- a failure, disgusting, like I am not worth anything. That's what I get like.

Even though I have been getting help- and still going to slimming world of course- because that is paramount for me- I am starting to see how bad it really is. I've been living in denial for a long time and seeing it for what it is- it's ugly. But yet I still eat rubbish and make myself feel ill (never purging) like today- I was going to be good- knowing I couldn't get weighed due to plans just being too hectic- work, lunch with a friend and cleaning etc. My head just started going "oh well just have a couple of extra syns it'll be fine- no one need know" of course I had a few extra syns, and a few more, and a few more. Now I just feel ashamed- sitting here- knowing that the insanity has returned thinking "why the hell did I think it was going to be different this time?"

Einstein once said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results" by that definition I must be insane. I then beat myself up for it when I realise that I've fallen for it again!

I am in the process of working on willingness to accept that there are some things that I just cannot eat- because it sets off a trigger to want to eat like that. Cereal like Weetabix is one- strange as it sounds. There are a few things like that. I am going to work with someone who has experience with this kinda thing- someone who has suffered with an addiction to food and is recovering. I trust her judgement and experience and I look forward to sharing with her. 

In the last few months- while getting help with this- I have met a few wonderful people who I respect and have a great affinity with. I can talk to them about this and not be judged, laughed at, told that it's only "a bit of food" or the worst comment I can hear "it's ok- you can have a blowout now and again- look how far you've come"

One week, about a month ago, I got weighed but couldn't bear to stay for image therapy. I had a blind weigh in- I knew I gained big- I FELT it- and my clothes were tighter. I was ashamed, hurt, humiliated (not at slimming world just at my actions the weekend before). I spoke to one person at the group- and she told me that I could easily get it off because I've done it before. I know people mean well but that is such a hurtful thing to hear when you have lost weight and can't seem to get out of the spiral of gaining. It made me feel like even more of a failure- even though of course that person was just trying to be kind and supportive. But- I spoke to my consultant during the week and she was awesome- she is there for support when I need her- I can never fault her- not at all.

Now I tried a week of success express- literally writing everything down that I ate- stuck to plan RIGIDLY- kept busy, moved around more and I felt great- lost 3.5lb or something that week- then 4lb the week after and got to target. It was a great feeling- but then I went right back into the craziness because I thought I was ok!

That week I put on enough to get OUT of target in one week- this week would have been my grace week but I booked a holiday because I was so busy- and also couldn't face the scales- that's the first time I've done that- usually I do get weighed anyway!

Anyway the last few days my mental health has been pretty grim- depressed, anxiety been bad and just been in a state of doom and gloom- one positive of that is I have never slept so much in a long time! Early nights and naps in the day just because it was easier to deal with stuff (or not in this case) if I was sleeping. I have spoken to a few people and even though I have not got out of this mental funk- I feel a bit more loved than I did a couple of days ago. I am lucky to have people in my life who don't judge me, who don't tell me to just "get over it" (even though there are people like that in my life too) who are there to let me rant, moan and get this stuff out. And who love me for me- not for who I should be. I'm not a disappointment to them, they are patient and caring and I really am blessed.

I might not be happy but I can squeeze out a bit of gratitude.

Now- this isn't much about weight loss- this is one of those "flutterby is mad so she needs to get it out of her head so she can take the power out of it". But I have a plan in place.


There is my nice big (double) line- drawn- new week starts now.

I am going to live in the day- take it hour by hour or minute by minute if I have to.

I am going to get up- give myself 10 minutes of "me time" to get some Enya on (my chill out music) and relax. 
I am going to plan my meals- following the "success express" plan because I mean business!
I am going to up my exercise if possible- even if it's just  walk around the park. Hopefully I can drag someone out with me for company.
I am going to share how I am feeling- not bottle it up and "pop" every so often.
I am going to be patient and not beat myself up.
I'm also not going to worry about next Tuesday- if I am out of target so be it- I just have to focus on being the best I can be on any given day- that's all I can do.

I leave for New York in 3 weeks and 6 days- I not only want to be at target but I want to be comfortable in my own skin. That's 27 single days to try and be the best person I can be- and with the help of my loved ones, my friends inside and outside of Slimming World, I can do this.

I can't do it on my own- but we can- TOGETHER!

Thanks for letting me rant- I love you all- let's rock this!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Popcorn-Free Day and Portion Control!

Hi blogees- happy Wednesday!

I am feeling positive- even though it has been a mix bag kinda day. 

Work was ok even though my nerves were a bit bad, I left on my rota'd hours, rather than stay like I do if it's busy just because I didn't want to get into the realms of the evil panic attack. I walked home in the sunshine and made myself a healthy lunch of left over quorn chicken from yesterday, aunt bessies carrot and swede mash (half a bag's worth) and some more low- syn coleslaw (1/2 syn)

I then got a message off my brother and a voicemail off my dad. My Great Uncle passed away last night/this morning. He has been ill for a while, and it is sad to hear of his passing. My granddad was quite close to him (they were brothers in laws but they both lost their wives so they had a common bond). So it is a sad day but I am glad that Uncle Roy is no  longer suffering.

The rest of my day was really good. I went to the pictures (cinema) for the first time in 7 years! Last time I was smuggling a 14 year old Niall in to see Saw II. This time it was a more pleasant movie- Monsters University (I am a great Monsters Inc fan and I loved this movie!)

Well of course the pictures usually means popcorn- right? I have to say it was miiiiiighty tempting! But my friend and I went to the local hungry horse for dinner (the usual Piri Piri chicken skewers, jacket spud and nekkid salad for me) being such a light weight I left a load! I was genuinely satisfied and even though I wanted to keep eating I didn't need to- even though I did finish my chicken and eat the onion off the side salad. But it is progress- usually I eat until I feel ill, just to finish the food- but that is not necessary! It's tough going but I'm taking this each day as it comes. I don't need to overeat. It's not just about weight loss with me you see- I need and want to stop obsessing about food. The help I am getting is really good. One day I will talk about it just not today.

Anyway- on the way back to the cinema I popped into Morrisons and got myself a punnet of grapes and fresh raspberries for me to munch on and bought a diet coke when I was there. I felt positively saintly!

I had a nice chat with my friend in New York for a bit and then decided to post this! Now it is time to get ready for my bed, as 4.30 is going to get here very soon! 

So my food diary for today: (Extra Easy day!)

Breakfast- muller light yog, 1 WW sausage (1/2 syn) 2 fried eggs, tin beans, 60g Wholemeal bread (HEB)
Break time- banana, 2 satsumas, apple, 2 rocky roads (6 syns)
Lunch- Quorn pieces, Aunt Bessies carrot and swede mash (free), coleslaw (1/2). Bag smartprice fruit and yoghurt 

Dinner- 2 piri piri chicken skewers (2 syns for the sauce) jacket spud, salad.
Supper- rest of the carrot and swede mash with 30g reduced fat cheddar (part of HEA)
Snacks- 2 WW sausages (1 syn) 1/2 punnet grapes, punnet raspberries, yoghurt. 

Drinks- water, juice, diet coke (trying to cut back) and 2 cups of tea with measured milk (accurately making up rest of HEA)

10 syns today- more than I usually have but still well within my allowance- I do not feel deprived and I am happy!

So on plan- positive and looking forward to another great day on plan tomorrow!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Don't forget to like my facebook page :)

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

That was disappointing!

Hi guys- happy Tuesday (even though I'm not feeling overly joyous could be worse!)

Just a quick one- since it is waaaaay past my bedtime!

Today I got weighed and the scales said I had put 1/2lb on. I was gutted. Even though I have not been the usual "yay totally on plan I'm so excited!" kinda flutterby like I usually am, I was still in control all week. So I felt cheated. I left group crying- just not in the mood to face everyone.

Then I was told that I was running away from things that (even though she was right) was an easy resentment to pick up! Truth be told- I just didn't want to hear anything positive about it- I gained, I don't know why, yes it might have been water, it might have been anything or everything possible. 

I also didn't want to hear the words "look how far you have come" or "but you're doing so well". Yes, I am- and I have.....but that would not have helped with my low confidence and low mood, that's for sure! I also still get the "you're such an inspiration" line which is nice in part- and it makes me happy that I am helping others along with their journey, even just for identification purposes. But when you are struggling with your own demons- hearing that is a bit like a kick in the gut. Because I have felt like a fraud- when I have been sitting at group all positive then going home and binging (and I mean a proper binge- not 2 slices of toast with a bit of jam on!)

But I went home, talked it through a bit with a friend and then had lunch. I then made a huge bowl of low syn coleslaw. 3 1/2 syns and it filled 2 tubs- the only syns were the mayo. More on that another day.

Then my friend Niki came over, she helped me grate carrots. It was back to group after that and I was there til 7.30.

I have been feeling really depressed today, but I have been sticking with people- because I didn't want to isolate. I am overtired and miserable....but I am also feeling a bit of hope- because I havent binged or been off plan all day (for 2 1/2 weeks actually)

I just hope that the number on the scales goes DOWN next week! We shall see.

Anyway so I am going to keep a food diary- and when I can get piccies from my phone to my computer I will show you my food too!!!

So my food diary for today:

2 alpen lights (HEB 1) 
WW yog with spoon quark mixed in (makes it thicker and creamier)

stir fry veg w/ 2xrosemary and red onion sausages + egg fried rice, soy sauce, chives and spring onion.

quorn chicken pieces with passata, mushrooms and herbs, 
salad leaves (fresh from the greenhouse) tomatoes, pickled onions, cucumber, 
40g reduced fat cheddar (HEA 1)
homemade low syn coleslaw (1/2 syn ish) 
muller light+quark for pud.

3x rocky road bars (HEB 2 + 3 syns) 
tin smartprice ravioli (1 1/2 syns), 
muller light with cherry underlayer (1 1/2 syns)

I have drank lots of water and cordial to stay hydrated and my second HEA was used in teas and coffees through the day (2 small cups not measured as was at a meeting and it came from a pot- but definitely not gone over)

Feel better than before- just going to keep plodding along. I have survived today with a cool 6 1/2 syns nommed. Tomorrow I have my fruit ready for my break in work- setting my alarm to have a cooked breakfast before I go (sausage, bacon, egg on toast, maybe beans too) then my fruit in my break at 9.30. I have chicken to have for lunch, probably with the stir fry veggies left over and rice. Dinner is going to be at the local Harvester- my friend Louise and I are going to the pictures (my first time there in 7 years!) I will have a bag of fruit and some rocky roads so I'm not tempted with the popcorn and sweets- but I will buy my diet coke there- just to be polite!

Ok off to bed for me- need my rest- to shift this headache I have.

Much Love,
Tanya x

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Up, Down, Up, Down.....Nearly There (again!)

Hey there readers!

I have been just in a funk lately in terms of writing (good old writers block!) but a brief read of someone elses blog I thought I may as well give a post a go! I've had people say they're worried because I'm so quiet (moi?) but rest assured I am ok!

So- what's going on with flutterby?

Have I mentioned yet that I am going to New York? I don't think I have! Well, I am! I'm going on 23rd September for 19 days. I have a friend who lives over there, so I am going to keep her company and spend some time in the peace an quiet. Rest and recuperation! I'm really looking forward to it. I'm working as much overtime as possible to get enough money for spends because I want to spend a day in NYC to do the touristy thing- and that place is the London of the USA- mega overpricey! So that's exciting to say the least!

My mood has been picking up lately, I'm keeping busy, being kind to myself and distracting myself by helping and being kind to others- it's amazing how getting out of self helps to get you out of a funk!

Last weigh in was a gain- 4lb to be exact. I lost every week in June- with a total of 9.5lb. Then I just went into self destruct mode. 2 days I binged on rubbish and felt sick afterwards. After talking to a friend I decided to get some help with the overeating side of things. It's going well, with support of people who know what I suffer with. I don't just mean I overeat by a few extra chocolate biscuits- its a few packets, and uber carbs, basically anything I can stuff in my mouth I do- until I feel ill. That's not normal, hence why I'm getting help.

It's been 8 days since my last binge- and I'm just taking it each day as it comes!

I have been 100% on plan since Tuesday (before Tuesday but that's when my new week started) I feel controlled, not starved myself but watched what I have eaten. I have had a decent breakfast before work (4-5am starts I definitely need a full belly!) and that keeps me going til break time which is usually fruit.

Today I had my first Green day of the week. This is what I ate:

Breakfast- 60g wholemeal bread, 2 scrambled eggs. WW yoggie
Break- 2 rocky roads (forgot my fruit!)
Lunch- tin beans, bag smartprice frozen fruit WW yog
Dinner- quorn chilli, rice, 40g reduced fat cheddar
snacks- hot choccie (3 syns) rocky road (3 syns) muller light greek style (1/2 syn)

So 6 1/2 syns all day- and 2 HEB+2 HEA (the second one was measured milk in my tea.

I am going to get the recipe books out and get cooking- simple things like chicken wrapped in bacon sounds fab! I might have that tomorrow actually- with carrot and swede mash. Yum!

Anyway- I am up for work in 6 hours so must go.

Everything is ok here- thanks for the words of encouragement guys- I'm just keeping it simple. Only 7lb to target and I *will* get there- sooner rather than never!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Saturday, 15 June 2013

Feeling Frumpy and Insecure (but still on plan!)

Hi everyone, happy saturday! I hope you are well and having a good weekend. 

This week eating wise is going pretty good- not had more than 5 syns each day- and it's not that I've been restricting myself- I've filled up on free food and been enjoying my syns on the likes of options hot chocolate, jelly, meringues and even eating out! It can be done!

I'm doing the 30 day squat challenge at the moment, which is X number of squats every day (with a few rest days) for 30 days. It's meant to help tone your bum and legs, which I need!

Well today is day 9 and I have to do 100 today!! Sound so daunting! 2 days ago I did 80 and I didn't think that would be possible so I'm just going to do it and feel good for doing it!

This is the challenge if anyone wants to join me:

I've taken my measurements for "before" so on the day 16 rest day I'm going to measure myself and after the 30 days too- just to see if there is a change- I sure hope so!

Anyway- so what is going on with me? What's with the blog title?

Well- I am struggling with head demons at the moment- I have done for about a month now. I've been in a bit of a depression lately. I am on medication for that and my anxiety, which I reduced when I got back from Canada and my doctor, concerned for my health, swiftly put me back up to the higher dosage. My anxiety did get really bad and my depression even worse.

I don't mind sharing this- I am not ashamed of having a mental illness and who knows, one of you might be reading this and need some identification- you might get it- that is a good thing- it's good to know that you're not alone- I know that for me, knowing someone else has been through this, through anything I'm going through- and has got through it, I get a bit of hope. So that's why I'm sharing this.

Of course- sharing crap always helps me too.

Anyway- I began to get worried when I was at work a week last Thursday. I managed to get into work, barely. I got on with my job but I couldn't even make eye contact with people and barely string a sentence together. I was using all my energy to do my job, I had a complete inability to do more than 1 thing. I got home and just sat in bed. I got a skype call off a friend of mine, Joanee, who talked to me and helped me feel a bit better. I went to bed and slept on and off. I tried to do the social thing the next day- went for dinner with a friend, then he took me out to a club to see friends. I lasted 2 hours before I had to go home. I'm usually ok there but it was the same as Thursday- could barely speak, wanted to just break down and cry. It was horrible.

After another chat with Joanee, who really had the patience of a saint to put up with me over those 2 days, I felt a lot lot better. I actually slept for a good 10 hours without waking up. My energy was starting to pick up. I was starting to feel more myself.

I've found though that I feel like that for about 2, maybe 3 hours then the black fog, the darkness, the "nothing" whatever you want to call it, it came back. Then I would be exhausted and just want to sleep. 

That's when I went to see my doctor, the first available appointment, on the monday after work. He was very concerned and told me to go back up on the higher dosage of antidepressants and see how it goes. I also have a blood test on tuesday because I am getting terrible circulation in my hands, causing me to get chilblains and bumps on my fingers (sore!) He wanted to put me on beta blockers for my nerves, but can't because they affect circulation- duh! 

But anyway- so I'm in  bit of limbo right now. I'm really struggling and the only thing I seem to control is my eating. So I'm putting all my energy on sticking to plan. 

Feeling frumpy- well that fits with the "feeling depressed" part really. I still feel big because of the weight I put on. I am now only 8lb away from my 10st 1lb weight loss target. But i feel it. My tummy "bulge" is significant to me. I seem to be focusing on my loose skin too- I'm just not toned at all and I feel terrible. It's worse when I get told how great I look- because I genuinely don't believe them. I think they're lying. Even though my logic KNOWS that they aren't. There are people in my life that I trust to be honest and I still don't believe them when I'm in this head space. I feel so insecure, hideous and unlovable.

It hurts, I have that feeling in my tummy that's just sickening. It makes me want to hide away in baggy clothes and stay in my room on my own.

But I practice opposites- I go out there and try to have a good time. I try to bury down the pain and get on with it- because doing that DOES help!.

Yesterday I went to the local Slimming World celebration evening. I will post more on this in my next blog post because it was a good evening. I was practically forced to go in the end because I genuinely was scared to go. I couldn't wear the outfit I wanted to- and the one I wore showed off my skin and I felt so ugly. People told me otherwise and that was nice of them but again- didn't believe them. My friend Sami did my make up for me which was good of her, she did a decent job. Once I got there I got into the swing of it for most of the night but I hit a wall.... I suddenly went *whoosh* and the depression came....

But I went home, even though I was in pain I did over all have a good night. Ate lots of low syn food and did a lot of body magic in dancing.

Anyway- so Flutterby isn't feeling too great- but I know it'll pass!

I have a lot to look forward to. I am going to Birmingham next month for a convention, doing the race for life next month too. I have paid for a flight to New York to spend a few weeks with Joanee, which will be great (even though she's veggie- oh my god! Green days for 2 weeks nearly! heehee) and I paid my deposit for Turkey next year- my mum's wedding. 

So even though I am so down I do have things positive going on. 

Tuesday I get weighed- and hopefully I will get ANY loss- any loss means back into the 12 stones- so keeping my fingers crossed.

To anyone who is struggling right now- with anything- depression, eating, physical stuff etc. It gets better. Just take each day as it comes, focus on what you can do in the day and try to be the best that you can be. Do one thing a day that challenges you. When I do that I feel like I've achieved something.

And on that note, I am going to go do my squats and go to bed.

Thanks for being there for me guys!

Much love,
Tanya x

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Still Alive, Kicking and (mostly) Losing!!

Oh it is just outrageous how long it's been since my last update? Nearly a MONTH? Oh dear!

It's me- I'm baaaaaaaack! And I know what you're thinking : 

I have updated my facebook page more often (check it out if you haven't already- right here! ) but I just haven't really had the energy to post a long update.

This one is going to be a short one, but I really needed to touch base- get out of the cycle of not posting- I must- MUST find time tomorrow to do a proper update with how I'm really doing!

First things first- how I have got on at weigh in.

Well as you know- the day I got back from Canada I went and got weighed- 1st 10.5lb heavier than before I went. I just got on with it and aimed to lose the following week.

Which I did- I lost 1st 1lb in a week! Most of it was water, as my consultant liked to point out, and I was wearing heavier clothes. But some of that loss was genuine, and I was so chuffed to be back on plan.

Then I had an out of control week- putting on 2.5lb. I felt so disappointed in myself but I just wasn't quite with it still- I was still missing Canada and I was still very down. But I didn't let that stop me! I stuck to plan with a few naughty moments but more or less in control. Week 3 back from Canada- 2lb loss.

Which brings me to this last week. I was really determined to stick to plan. June is here- and it started off well with my 2lb off. So I want to go for Slimmer of the Month this month- and to aim to get my 10st award back. My consultant has been on holiday and the consultant standing in, Lesley, is just awesome- I always enjoy her groups (even though I've only been to 4 in total!) 

Last week I armed myself with  food diary and wrote everything down- that included the pizza and box of rocky roads i had! Usually when i overeat or have something mega syns I just go "oh well" and go back to basics the same day. The only thing I estimated all week was the pizza- I put down 70 syns- so a total of 92 syns on Tuesday- shocking! But it goes to show- usually after pizza I have chocolate- I would have had my left over easter egg at about 50 syns a pop. Then I would have had some cereal- another 30 odd syns for the amount I eat- then the sugar.....the list goes on. So writing it down kept me in control and kept me looking forward

I stood on the scales this week 3lb lighter! I was a touch frustrated (but I did laugh) I got my 9 1/2 stone award but I am EXACTLY 13 stone! Just another half a pound would have got me in the 12's.

I told Julie that I would be in the 12's when she got back and she's back next week. So as long as I lose this week I will keep that promise! 

I didn't overindulge tonight- which made me feel great! I made a syn free kebab and had that at group with salad. I had fruit and yog with 2 meringue shells and a hot choc while I was at group.

I feel in control and content! I'm taking each day as it comes and that's it.

Now I must get to bed- I need to be up for work in 5 1/2 hours- and I think it's going to be busy and draining.

It's good to post though- and I will push myself to post again (yeah yeah I know- I say that every time eh!)

Thanks for sticking with me and thanks for keeping me motivated- I really couldn't do it without the support of others

Much Love,
Tanya x

Sunday, 19 May 2013

Get Off The Pity Pot!

Hi guys, long time no speak!

I've been meaning to do a blog for the last few days but my heart so hasn't been in it- or anything for that matter.

I got home from an amazing trip on Tuesday. Since leaving my friend at the bus station on Monday (actually it started the day before) I was just crying constantly and that was, and is, incredibly draining. I miss her tonnes. She's amazing, and her family too. It's hard to think that it'll be another couple of years before I get a gnome hug again- and her hugs are amazeballs!

Anyhoo- I got home at 1.30pm on Tuesday, dropped my bags off, said hi to everyone and then asked mum to give me a ride to Slimming World to get weighed- no time like the present eh??? I handed my consultant £25 for a 6 week countdown, which will keep me focused.

Well I was wearing my heavy dungarees (since my jeans weren't going anywhere near me!) and I had a huge meal at Heathrow a few hours before- I was pretty happy accepting of the result.

You ready?

I gained, in 4 weeks- 1 stone 10 1/2lb. Yes, 24.5lb, in 4 whole weeks.

I was off plan the week before I went and gained about 1/2 stone in that week alone, so about a stone in 3 weeks, considering what I was eating and after the first week or so we were unable to go out as much due to the pesky black flies, I was accepting of it.

I got off the scales and started my brand, spanking new week! All I cared about was that number going DOWN the next week! Not much point worrying and being ashamed of the weight I put on!

The reality is- I'm officially still over eight stone lighter since I started my journey so it's not like I've put all the weight on. If I thought I had failed and felt shame then I probably would have eaten even more rubbish.

I enjoyed my trip, it was truly magical and the gain is irrelevant. In my eyes, it was worth it! 

So as soon as I stepped off the scales the new week started, I planned meals, started eating the superfree and just went back to basics. I even went for long walks- over 6 miles on Wednesday, 5 miles on Thursday, 4 miles Saturday..... and today I went back to work which is a lot of moving around.

I'm hopeful for a nice loss on Tuesday, we shall see how it goes!

But- the pity pot reference is quite apt for me at the moment. I have so struggled to be back home and back in reality. I miss being in Canada and I have been so depressed. As I said before- I've just been crying constantly (ok not all the time but lots!) and I have been a wreck, my nerves have become fraught and I'm just so exhausted.

Today though, after having a chat with someone and sharing a bit myself, I have realised that I need to just keep moving. How I feel now isn't going to be forever. I need to be patient- it's a big comedown. It's ok not to be ok sometimes. We don't feel great *all* the time- that would be weird.

Last time I came home from Canada I spent 3 days in bed- I didn't talk to anyone for a while (I think apart from Marg) and I just locked myself away. At least I'm functioning, even though I don't want to be social about 99% of the time!!!

I'm coming out of it, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other- that's all any of us can do!!

On a positive- I'm getting a tattoo on Friday- 10 flutterbies, 1 for each stone I've lost. It's to recognise my own achievement, show myself how far I've come....I can't wait!

Anyway- I'm going to bed- in work tomorrow, need my rest.

Good to be back, ish. Hopefully I'll report a great loss on Tuesday!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Saturday, 4 May 2013

I'm Getting Old! Time for a Bucket List (some soppy ramblings here too)

Hi everyone!

Today is my 25th birthday. According to the UK government I am officially old- 25 is the age when benefits go up and you can get Working Tax Credits. So- thanks UK- I am officially an adult!

It's kinda a milestone for me because I remember saying to someone just over 2 years ago that I didn't think I'd still be here at 25. To be fair, if I was still putting on weight and getting more and more into a rut, I *wouldn't* have made it to 25. So it's a pretty big deal!

The last couple of years have been awesome- I'm physically and mentally a million times better. I have some self worth and self love. I have met some fantastic people, made some new friends. I've travelled more and not had to restrict myself because of my weight or worrying about what others are saying about me.

I've seen other people change too. I've watched my mum fall in love with some weird, long haired, tattooed guy (who isn't totally bad....) and it's great to see her so happy. My brother has grown into a (reasonably!) mature adult- someone who I can be extremely proud of- and I am!

Not to mention the amazing people I've met through Slimming World who have lost weight too and changed their lives, just like I have.

Anyway- so my birthday.

For years I resented my birthday- it was just that time of year I couldn't stand. When I lived on my own all I did was get off my face drunk and feel sorry for myself (isn't that what teenagers do anyway??) I hated celebrations- just like Christmas. Hated it, didn't want anything to do with it- wasn't sure why people made a big deal over it! Quite frankly I've not liked people making a fuss over me. I mean, I was always a worthless piece of you-know-what.....why would people want to be bothered taking time out of their lives to celebrate with me? So I always just shut off, didn't let people in- including my family. Emphasised on the point that I didn't want anything, no cards, no presents, no sing-songs- nothing. So people didn't.

I was about 21 and I met this woman online, via facebook. She was one of those people who you really could just open up to and you knew you wouldn't get judged. I was at a low ebb and she always seemed to be at the end of an inbox, on MSN and then introduced her to the world of skype so we could actually see each other. After about 6 months of chatting she invited me to visit her, in Canada, to stay with her family. At this time in my life I didn't go out often. I became rather agrophobic and my world was mostly online. So the thought of travelling over 3000 miles, on my own to a foreign country to stay with someone who I never actually met- it was beyond scary. But I trusted this woman so knew that it was something good and we planned lots of trips and outings, I got excited.

So in the June of 2010 I travelled from the comfort of my own home all the way Ottawa, Ontario. I was surprised how fearless I was, considering how anxious and constantly fearful I was! After plane delays and a slight embarassing moment in customs (story for another day!) I was greeted by my little Canadian Gnome, Marg. I was welcomed into her home and made to feel like a part of the family. She's married, with 2 daughters who are both a bit younger than me. But I treated them as my 2 little sisters (just minus the horrendous arguements which I think are normal with female siblings, apparently!)

I had a great time but I did regret a few things. My anxiety did cause problems, I spent a lot of time in my room, which they all understood but I hated. I wanted to enjoy myself but I was just crippled with fear. Not to mention all the physical limitations to add on to it.

I was worried that if Marg saw how bad I *really* was, then maybe she would just say that it was too much and stop contact once I got home. But hey, she didn't. She must be a little mad (only joking)

Anyway- when I got back moved in with my Mum, for a bit more stability (I was living with my Dad before this) and that's when I decided to make a move and attack my weight problem- you guys know the rest already!

Late on last year, Marg and I were talking about me coming to visit again. Of course, it was something I really wanted to do- my life had changed and I really wanted to spend time with my Canadian "family" again!

I wanted to come for my birthday because I wanted to break the mould. The last few years, for Christmases and Birthdays, I've spent them at home and I have had a bit of a fuss made of me but I still felt a little awkward, I still had that self doubt and didn't like being spoiled. So I thought that a big change would help....

Before my trip I went for a lovely meal with my Mum, Niall and Jay, my Nan and a few close friends. Because I wanted to spend some time with my nearest and dearest before I went.

Today, I had a day with Marg, her husband and her youngest daughter (aka my youngest adopted Sister), Rebecca (and my other "sis", Catherine was there in spirit, since she's at the other end of the country)

Rebecca went shopping and after a while, Marg told me we were going for a walk to check out the scenery. When we got back, Rebecca was back, armed with flutterby balloons, a birthday banner and some presents. It was so lovely. There were flutterbies everywhere!!

I chose what we were having for dinner, birthday girl always gets the choice. So I opted for barbequed burgers (home made of course!) and potato salad. They even made some cute lemon birthday cupcakes!

It was fantastic. I felt so loved and I was definitely spoiled rotten. You know what? I didn't feel awkward. I didn't feel upset or overwhelmed I just enjoyed my day.

The icing on the cake was a lovely status update from Niall wishing me a happy birthday (which made me cry- the sod) and messages off my mum. That made me extra happy (and the messages off my friends too of course!)

It was a pretty awesome day. I am so blessed to have amazing people around me right now- including the people who aren't exactly here but who are part of my life.

Now enough soppy rambling, because I'm getting a touch emotional right now! Let's talk about this bucket list real quick.

Bucket lists- for people who don't know what they are. They're a list of things you want to achieve or do before you "kick the bucket". I'm going to do a "kinda" bucket list- things to do before I'm 30. I have 5 years. If so much can change in 2 years- imagine what can happen in 5!

Now- I have learned to live in the day- not project into the future. But someone wise told me once that "It's ok to plan for the future as long as you don't live in it" so this- is just a plan.

I'm not going to beat myself up in 5 years if I've not achieved everything- but I'd like to achieve at least something..... is my kinda bucket list!

1) To still be at a healthy weight and to still be sober
2) Gain a new qualification (doesn't have to be a degree- just a qualification in *something*)
3) Learn a foreign language
4) To have my own little batchelorette pad
5) Learn how to drive and own a car
6) To travel to at least 2 countries that I haven't been to before
7) To have a stable job (whether it's still at Asda, as a Slimming World consultant or something else!)
8) Write a book
9) Run a marathon
10) Climb up the 3 biggest peaks in the UK (Ben Nevis, Snowdon and Scafell Pike)
11) Take part in a charity bike ride. 
12) Enter a triathlon
13) Go back to competitive swimming
14) Sing Karaoke at least once
15) Go to a live music concert
16) Learn to knit clothes (not just squares for a blanket!)
17) Read at least 30 books
18)  Learn how to dance
19) Learn how to ski- in Canada.

So- 19 things to do before I'm 30. That's an average of less than 4 things a year. Totally doable- right? 

I picked things that will challenge myself physically and mentally. This is a good thing. None of them are impossible. That's the most important thing- I've not picked something that I know I can't do. I don't want to dishearten myself.

I think I have a bit to look forward to!

Today though, as that's what I focus on, my life is great, I wouldn't change a thing. I am happy, content, just all round ok with myself. I am loved and I have the ability to love back.

My life is awesome, I am a very very lucky flutterby.

Now- time to spend some time with these little Canadians!

Much Love,
Tanya x <---- here's my facebook page!

Monday, 29 April 2013

Flutterby is in Canada!

Hi guys! Today is a lazy day so thought I would post one of these babies up- I know you've missed me!

So I set off on my trip to Canada on Wednesday- everything went swimmingly- no delays and we even got an earlier bus from Montreal to Ottawa so we didn't have to wait an extra 2 hours- just what was needed after being up for nearly 24 hours!

For people who don't know- I'm staying with my friend Marg, someone I've known for about 4 years. She's been my rock on many occasions. When I was at my worst she always had time for an msn chat or 2.

I was here 3 years ago- when I was at my biggest and probably at one of my lowest ebbs. Even though I had a good time I came back disappointed because there was so much I couldn't do- either because of my size (couldn't go for walks) or because of my mental state (hated going out in crowds, it brought on panic attacks). 

What upset me the most was the lack of photographs. There were a few- in fact nearly all of my "before" pictures were taken while I was there. But I came back with less than 70 pictures and about 5 of them were of me.

I'm sure a lot of people can identify with the fact that when I was big- I tried to avoid the camera. I was a bit of a fat ninja- as soon as one came out I was ducking and diving trying to avoid them. It was hard to hide behind people when I was over 23 stone!!!

I actually had a couple of pictures taken with Marg, which show a bit of a change. Only in me though- in 3 years she hasn't even changed! heehee.

Anyway- so much has changed in the last 3 years. Not just because of the weight loss- but the confidence, happiness and willingness to just do stuff too! I've been here 5 days and already I've taken more pictures than in the 3 weeks last time and there are a few pictures of me! Awesome!

We have had a couple of trips out too.

Marg, her daughter Rebecca and I went on a walk around Calabogie on friday (that's where we are right now) I had to post  couple of things so it was a pleasant 2k walk each way, with some picture taking on the way! 

On Saturday we went into Ottawa to a craft fair. My friend, Benita had a stall there- selling jewellery and pendants. She specialises in healing stones. (Actually check out her Facebook page some of the pieces are amazing!) Then we went on a shopping trip to Costco- or as I have no named it- sample city!! So many samples- I barely needed food.....even though I bought a slice of pizza while I was there- massive piece and mega tasty!

I've not really been on plan much but we are eating well. I'm having most of my veggies without butter, just boiled and the meat is de-fatted after cooking so there are things like that. I've even cut up pineapples and berries to snack on! Of course- we have tasty fat-free yoghurt in the fridge (it's activia which is pretty much a safe bet) I am eating rubbish, like having doughnuts in Tim Hortons with an Iced Capp but hey- I'm in Canada you kinda HAVE to do these things here!

But I have made decent choices- which is habit for me now- I have been doing this for 2 years so anything you do for this length of time really is a habit!

Anyway so I am making the most of my new lease of life by making the most of my valuable time with Marg and the rest of my Canadian family!

So it's my birthday on Saturday. I was saying to Marg and Becca yesterday- 25 is actually a milestone for me. I remember having a chat with a friend just before joining Slimming World, after the bullying in university and realising that my physical health was declining. I said that I was that desperate to do something, because I knew that if I didn't, I wouldn't make it to 25. If it wasn't due to nature, I probably would have tried to end my own life. I was at a point even then, in 2011 that I didn't want to live. I was miserable, felt like a failure and I couldn't do anything that I wanted to do....

But hey- look at me now! That is definitely not the case. I might not have a degree, a big house, great career and loads of money in the bank. But I have a job, some money saved the love and respect of my friends and family and I have actually turned my life around. 

There are 5 days until my birthday so hey- might not even make it to 25 after all but I have a pretty decent chance eh? People who have read this blog for a while know that I reflect on the last few years every so often and I have been doing that. I just love my life right now. The day before I went to Canada I spent the evening with my Mum, Niall and Jamie, my Nana and some of my best friends. It was an early birthday meal (Curry night- what else??) I had a great evening and I was so happy that people wanted to spend time with me. It wasn't always like that so sometimes I can be a it soppy thinking about it. 

So I'm such a happy flutterby right now. It didn't happen overnight, it took a lot of hard work- physically and mentally. But all I did was put one foot in front of the other, stayed honest with my feelings, kept in touch with people in my support network and I didn't give up!!! 

So anyone reading that's struggling- don't you dare give up! Tough times do not last forever. Just dust yourself and get back up. You are worth the effort- please don't forget that!

Anyway- time for dinner and to get back to being a social Flutterby!

Thanks for being on my journey with me!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Great Day!

Hi blogees! Just a quick one from me.

I got weighed at 1pm today- was greeted with a half pound gain. I'm happy- considering how out of control I was for 3 whole days. I started my day positively and I am sticking with the plan of action that I pledged yesterday!

I went to the 5pm group, after shopping and nattering with a friend. Then I went to visit dad for a bit.

My extra body magic was in the form of walking home from dad's but taking a detour- so instead of 15 minutes it was 40 minutes. I felt better for it- even though my ankle is giving me a bit of annoyance.

My food for today:

Breakfast- WW yog

Lunch- turkey breast and ham salad box (double meat) and sweet onion dressing (2 syns) and 2 cherry bakewell hifi bars (HEB+ 6 syns)
Dinner- Chicken and Black Bean sauce (8 syns worth) with boiled rice.
Snacks- tin baked beans, WW yog, caramelised ginger sample (teeny bit- 1/2syn)

So a little over my syns- 16 1/2. But in control, which is the main thing!

Tomorrow is "Red Hot" day! But going to have a decent breakfast and dinner so just going to be lunch that's going to be uber syns- but that's ok- that's 1 meal- as long as I don't sabotage I'll be really happy!

Ok- here's to a great week- hopefully!

Much Love,
Tanya x <----join me on facebook!

Monday, 8 April 2013

Another Line, Another Go

Hi everyone, about time I got posting!

I have been up and down, up and down and so on lately. I'd have a good day, or 2, or 3....then *boom* self sabotage appears and I just go "sod it" and eat about 5 times the amount that I should be eating.

This has been a common theme lately and it was only yesterday did it start to dawn on me that this really is serious and it's something I need to look at more. If I don't then the 20+ stone mark will be back before I know it.

My pants are teeeeeeerribly tight- both my jeans and work tummy looks like one off one of those little buddahs and I am feeling lethargic and just generally grumpy.

It is so damn easy to fall into that rut of eating and eating- for the sake of it most of the time- because it's there. It takes a lot of effort, will power in some cases and determination to get out of said rut and get back on plan....

Today- ok not perfect on plan but it is better! I ate some fruit....I had an original day so lots of meat and things. I did have a teeny piece of birthday cake in my break today but I did stop at that! I nommed my fruit and tomatoes and didn't have any more uber syns!

It's progress!

Tomorrow- it's going to be ugly. I'm getting weighed earlier, which believe it or not is worse for me. I am working so I'll have been up since 4.30 and I'll have just eaten, as well as having to keep hydrated more, lots of water!

But I need to get weighed. So I'm going to- and that's ok.

This week is going to be hard- I'm laying it out there now. I have a meal out tomorrow night (Indian- must stay away from the naan bread!!) and to an all-you-can-eat buffet on Wednesday. But there is no reason why I shouldn't lose next week anyway. That's 2 meals! One of which I can make decent choices. 

After tomorrow there are TWO weigh ins until my trip to Canada! (16 days to go- omg!!) and I want to be less than I am now- that's for sure! I want my clothes to fit. I want my energy back so I can enjoy myself! Any most importantly- my confidence has taken a dip lately and I want that confidence back!!!! It's amazing how something so subtle can knock the confidence you've spent ages trying to build up. 

So- this is really is. No, no I know I've said it before. I have done this before- I haven't messed up or failed- just a minor blip..... watch this space!!!

This is currently more-flabby-than-I-want-to-be Flutterby's plan of action over the next 7 days:

1) Food Diary- no matter what, write it down. I am saying now the ONLY exception is what is going to be nommed at Red Hot. What happens at Red Hot- stays at Red Hot! But everything else- if I nibble, I scribble

2) Body Magic- it's kinda limited at the moment due to hurting my neck AGAIN! But it doesn't stop me from walking. I am not counting the walk to work and back as body magic. I am going to do half an hour every day of EXTRA exercise/activity. Mostly walking- my neck can't take much more than that.

3) I am going to live in the day- simples, not worry about the whole week ahead but just get up- plan my day and follow it through! 

4) Going to be kind to myself- that'll be harder. But it's something we ALL need to do. People are all too willing to judge us and be nasty to us- we have to stick up for ourselves and be kind to us! Even if it's just smiling in the mirror- thinking something positive about myself and realising that I am worth the effort!

Only 4 points- keeping it simple this week!

Brand new week starts right....



The line is drawn and there is nothing I can do about the last few weeks- so I am not going to dwell on it. What's the point? Exactly- there isn't one!

Feeling positive now that I've got this out- fantastic!

So we shall see what this week brings eh? But the countdown to Canada is well and truly on!

Great to be back!

Much Love,

Tanya x

Join me on facebook! xx

Friday, 29 March 2013

25 Random Facts about Flutterby

I interrupt your normal viewing with a random bit of trivial fun!

A friend of a friend has this blog, right (checky here for it- the chick makes some sense! And is doing really well on her weight loss journey too) and her latest post was 25 facts about herself.

This mutual friend insists that because I've read it I have to keep it going- so......why not- want to know about this Flutterby? Let's see.....

1)  I have a younger brother, who is awesome, 2 step-sisters, 3 step brothers and a Jamie (everyone needs a Jamie- but he is ours only- sorry!)

2) I'm left handed- very heavily left handed- there really isn't much I can do with my right hand- apart from use a computer mouse.

3) I'm a Maths geek- love numbers- I often used to cure boredom by working through Maths text books

4) I always wanted to be a teacher (actually- I didn't *always*- I wanted to be a prison officer when I was a kid- then wanted to be a teacher) Then realised that I actually hate kids (most of them anyway!) and now I want to be a Slimming World consultant (for obvious reasons!)

5) I have a thing for butterflies (can you tell?) I don't know why and I don't know what started it off- but I love them!

6) I was pretty much always a tomboy when I was a kid- now I'm a proper girly- girl. I love dresses, shoes and shiny things (but still can't be bothered with make up)

7) I have my ears pierced- I was 2 when I had them done- apparently I had my first ear done and before I could start crying my mum stuck a Double Lolly in my did the job!

8) I have one tattoo- on my arm- the word "Recovery"- which symbolises my recovery from addiction, self harm (in many forms) and self destruction. I said I'd only get a tattoo once I lost weight. Now I would like more because they're awesome!

9) I love my cat (no euphemism there you dirty, dirty people)

10) I thrive on sunshine- I do suffer with SAD in the winter- so when the sun is out- I make the most of it!

11) I only have 3 people who I trust with anything- one of which I've only known 11 months.

12) I bite my nails

13) I love dancing- I'm not very coordinated but I love bopping around the room to some music. I can't dance on my own in a public place though because it's embarrassing and I have my pride!

14) I'm a terrible people pleaser and a worrier- I've stayed up many-a-night worrying about things. I know people do but I'm a bit of an extreme

15) I love hugs, lots and lots of hugs.

16) I have a teddy, Cuggles, who I sleep with every night. I can never sleep well if I don't have my teddy. I might be 24 but still- not ashamed of it! (Cuggles was given to me by my friend Marg, a christmas present that arrived a month late, but was totally worth it)

17) My music playlist is very random- ranging from Muse to Florence and the Machine, even a bit of dancy music there. I love music and I have some to suit every mood and outfit!

18) I used to collect thimbles- until I realised they collected way too much dust. I still have them- but not on show. I have literally millions.

19) I have a tendency to exaggerate a touch sometimes- and I'm a little teeny bit sarcastic, like, all of the time.

20) I really hate cooked cauliflower and ripe bananas- because they stink and are icky- but raw or green (and I don't mean green cauli!) it's fine.

21) I was in a photographic society in University and I had some photos in a real exhibition.

22) I love my job! I might not like some parts of it but the job itself is great and I have one or 2 little mates there which makes me happy.

23) I lived on my own for 3 years before moving in with my Dad. Then moved in with my Mum- because she's awesome and cooks really nice food :)

24) I mimic accents all the time- not realising I am doing it- which doesn't help when you are going to Canada in a few weeks- for nearly a month! I will definitely come back with a twang.

25) I can touch my nose with my tongue. Apparently the first time I pulled tongues as a baby I freaked my Mum out a little bit.

Ok so that's me.....a little bit more of me....I'm weird, I know

And if you've read this- you have to do it too! Either in a blog- or on Facebook on a note. Come on- join in- I'm a nosey mare and want to read more of these!!!

Normal service will resume in the next blog!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

New Changes, Getting a Grip and Plugging Away

Hi everyone- apologies for being so quiet lately- life has been really hectic and I've not had much time online.

Last week was a bit of a disaster eating wise. I booked a "holiday" at group because I knew it was going to be a disaster and I was away at the a gain was imminent.

So because I told myself I wasn't getting weighed for 2 weeks I had a "black hole" Tuesday. Ate what I wanted....

Then I went to work on Wednesday and a colleague brought me a piece of home made mega-syns cheesecake- which was gorgeous! So I thought "oh well- blown it today- might as well enjoy myself and get back on it Thursday"- something I NEVER did before I got to target and still losing!

Thursday....well, I just didn't have the focus in me so I just kept eating- and eating and eating........

Then it was Blackpool! Well- anyone who has been to Blackpool will know that there aren't many eateries where there are low-syn meals! A group of us went to a lovely restaurant which specialised in fish and chips.....and cake- lots of cake!!

The hotel I was staying at had brekkie included in the price- the only thing syn free were the tinned tomatoes- even the bacon you couldn't get the fat off because of how streaky it was! So I enjoyed myself! Over did it- definitely but I enjoyed myself.

I did buy a couple of punnets of strawberries and took rocky roads with me so it could have been worse! (That's what I'm telling myself!)

Anyway I got back and I still couldn't draw a line under it! I could not stop eating no matter how much I told myself to stop!

So I knew the inevitable- I was going to get weighed on Tuesday. I found a fiver and I got myself to group. Don't get me wrong I was going to go anyway- but I wasn't going to get weighed. I was just going to see the lovely members and have a natter but I knew that the accountability was necessary to start again.

I put 6lb on.....

Which, all things considered, that was a pretty decent result!

I had a good natter with Julie last week in regards to going back to my old target. It seems that, even though I wanted to lose more, I'm not half bad where I was with my 10st 1lb weight loss. My BMI was healthy (still is) and I was doing ok at maintaining.

So I asked Julie if it was possible to go back to my old target- she found out for me and it is possible- but I have to get to my exact target weight (12st 6) not just in the target range....

The 6lb gain takes me to 12 8.5lb so I have 2.5lb to lose to get to target. That way I can stop stressing, stop getting angry and frustrated with myself and just take it easy. I really have been stressing too much.

I'm going to Canada in 4 weeks (This time in 4 weeks I should be in the air!) and I want to get back into the art of maintaining for a little while before I go.

So that's the plan. I would love to lose the 2.5lb this week so we shall see where I am on Tuesday!

I've well and truly got a grip. I got a lot of motivation off Julie and the members of the groups I was at. That's why I go to group- to keep grounded and to get the support I need! And to support others if I can.

Oh- there is an "Ops" evening (when you get information about being a Slimming World consultant) on 12th April. Julie said if she doesn't have a team meeting or anything else on she'll take me which is awesome! I think it will be great to get all the info I need. I have been before but we got there late (I went with another member) so it will be good to go so I can have a read over and put plans in place so I am stable enough financially to apply! It's so exciting!

Anyway I am off to bed- I've been on plan today- 7 syns in total- when life is a bit less hectic I will get back to the food diaries etc on here- promise.

My alarm is going off at 2.30am as my shift starts at 4am! Need my sleep!

Ni night you lot!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Oh Here We Go Again!

This just feels like a repeat of a few weeks ago- only I'm not at Caz's computer weeping my heart out feeling like the whole world has kicked me in my non-existent nads!

I was doing so well this week- apart from "Sod It Tuesday". I had planned meals- had low syns, ate less fruit and more veggies, changed my Healthy Extras around....

Then came today....

Usually I am one of those people that sees the weekend as a normal day- nothing special. I work in retail- we don't really *do* weekends. But I have been off all week- I've been pretty inactive (because I've been resting my bad knee which is still mad sore!) and just all-round been a lazy flutterby.

Anyway- today was my step-sister's 18th birthday. With birthdays come cake- 2 cakes in fact (now 3- I notice there is a giant cupcake on the table here) Initially I was being really good and turning down a piece....then I had a bit of icing.....

Then I had a piece- ok 2 (teeny pieces) then I had a taste of the homemade chocolate cake.....ok a small piece....which started me off......I then had an easter egg and one of those caramel eggs....

Then I went to a meeting and had half a dozen jammy dodger thingies and some cookies.....

Then I went to my mate's house and had quavers and custard (don't ask!) and houmous with carrot sticks and cucumber (see? some healthy stuff!) then followed by a packet (a whole one) of jaffa cakes....

Then I went home and had some rice krispies.....and a cheese buttie....and some toast....with butter....and then a big bowl of rice krispies WITH sugar!


I don't want to know about the syns- I really don''s SCARY!!

Over the space of the evening I was getting guilt, then "sod it, don't care", then guilt, then "it's ok, I'll accept the result on Tuesday", then "I'm not getting weighed"....

I have been arguing with myself (in my head- I'm not THAT crazy!!) trying to get myself to stop- of course, I couldn't.

I have 1 week left of my countdown and I really wanted to be at target then and it looks like I'm going to be about half a stone heavier than when I started it 6 weeks ago! It's sickening. 

There is something just not quite right in my head now- the want has gone. It's like I'm starting to accept my size- great, fantastic....but I still want to sabotage everything! Look, I know that I've lost 10 stone, just over- woohoo- bully for me. For some people I know that's mega inspirational, I get that- I sought inspiration like that- people who had lost lots.

What I didn't realise is this stuff doesn't get easier! Sorry guys- I don't want you to think that once you lose the weight it will be all hunky dory and you will never need to worry about it ever again (I'm not insinuating that you think like that- but that's what I thought, genuinely!)

The hard work is in the maintaining- because you don't have anything to aim for- no awards, no stickers, no attention.....just a "well done, you're still at target, how are you for this week ahead?" in Image Therapy....

Anyway- I think I've had my fill.....I just wish I didn't have to go through this every couple of months. I just want to be able to eat like a "normal person". (Which isn't dissimilar when I hear alcoholics say that when they first got help with their drinking they wanted to be able to drink like normal people)

In fact I've just answered my own dilemma there. An alcoholic can't, and never will be able to, drink like a "normal person". I'm a food addict- therefore I very much doubt that I can eat, and think about food in the same way as a normal person....whoever this normal person is!!

Acceptance. My life tends to revolve around it- or it should do. We all have to accept a lot of things.

I accept that I'm 5'11, that I'm going to be called "Tan" by people who like to see me twitch. I accept that my brother is always going to jump out of dark spaces and scare me at every opportunity. I accept that I really am not the kind of person that suits wearing glasses......

But there are things that I struggle to accept- powerlessness over food being one. Other peoples' actions and thoughts being another. 

In fact those 2 things, if I could sort those things out and learn to accept them then I don't think I'd be half as miserable!

I cannot eat normally. When I'm eating- I'm wondering "is this enough?" and when I'm not eating- I'm constantly thinking about it. What can I snack on? What's for dinner? I know from experience that it's an obsession and an addiction- there's nothing much I can do about it, other than work on it! Do what people suggest.....some days I am good at it, I do these things that are suggested and I have a good, slightly less obsessive day.

Then there are days like today. Where I just stick anything in my mouth (don't be rude!) and feel the remorse later.

The other thing I struggle to accept- people. That's a big one with me at the moment because my head can be sent off big time with this.

I am one of those people that doesn't think so much of the people who care and who are positive- but focuses on the people who don't like me, who go out of their way to make little digs, or deliberately ignore me.....

Why? Because I hate being disliked!

Don't get me wrong- I am a marmite kinda girl- love me or hate me. I am gobby, sarcastic, I put my foot in it, I can be bitchy.....But I'm really sensitive. I am caring and I hate being disliked- and I hate disliking others....I have something called "stinking thinking" where I do take one little resentment and run with it- nurture it, feed it until it's a big fat resentment! I have done it a few times and there are still one or 2 that really get to me.

It is affecting my weight loss sometimes. Not so much the weight loss but going to group or posting in certain facebook groups. I have had little digs made at me, or had some posts blatantly ignored. Sometimes I'm asking for help and I don't get it....

I lie- I do get it- but not off the people I know have an issue with me. So the people that do comment, even though I am grateful- that goes on the backburner while I focus on thinking about why someone else hasn't commented or offered support....

There you go! Stinking thinking!

I know I need to focus on the light and the positives. I know people care and love me- those are the people I should spend my energy and time on... Sounds easy doesn't it? 

Maybe that's a mid-week resolution for me then- something to work on!

Anyway- I've had my fill of crappy food, back on plan from now. There is no way I'll get a loss but at least I can work on getting some of this extra food weight off!

I just needed to get this off my chest. I've always been told that there is no point bottling things up- that's how things get worse. Just share the crap and move on. 

I've shared the crap- now I'm moving on!

New day tomorrow- and there are going to be some positive changes made!

If you're struggling too- reach out- don't bottle it all up- don't isolate (I don't just mean with food here- with anything that is affecting your positivity) find someone you can trust- get it out. Then give yourself a way to turn the negative into a positive and go for it! Just because we feel bad now doesn't mean we will forever!

Thanks for sticking with me- I'm not perfect but I try my best- and god loves a trier (apparently!)

Much Love,

Tanya x

Don't forget to like my Fat Flutterby facebook page!

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Picky Things and Re-reading My Book!

Hi you lot, me again!

I've had a case of the hungry monster today.....mainly because I couldn't really go out due to my sore knee (still!!) So I decided- rather than snack on fruit all day- I wanted a change.

I decided to make a syn free houmous to nom with carrot sticks, peppers and cucumber. It was really quick and easy- no piccy but here's the recipe:

**Syn Free Houmous**

Tin of chickpeas in water
splash of lemon juice
cajun spices

1) Blend the chickpeas with a bit of the water from the can with a hand blender until smooth
2) mix in the lemon juice, garlic, paprika and spices to taste. If you want to put more in then feel free to! I made mine with quite a bit of garlic.
3) leave to cool in the fridge for a bit- it tastes nicer cold

That's it- takes 2 minutes and is very tasty! Great if you are hosting a party and need nibbly bits.

Funnily enough I spent the evening with my friend Sami who is also doing Slimming World (newish member). We went to Asda for some nibbles and she bought a reduced fat sour cream and onion dip. It's about 1 syn a level tablespoon and I looked at the ingredients and thought "I can do better" so I'm going to make it my mission to make a low syn dip!

I taught her about a low syn chocolate dip though- for fruit dippy things- she couldn't believe it when she tried it- I guess the recipe is going to have to be written out too eh?

**Chocolate mousse/yoghurty pud**

1 tub fat free fromage frais
2 sachets of cadbury fudge highlights (2 syns a sachet- 4 syns for both)
a couple tablespoons sweetener

Just mix them altogether and serve with yummy fruit! Which we did. It was really yummy and felt like one of these "naughty treats". We split it between 3 of us so rounded it to 1 1/2 syns per portion that we had!

It was nice to have some munchies while with friends and not go over my syn allowance- there's no need to feel deprived!!

Anyway- what I also did today was I decided to try a different Healthy B option. Just for a laugh. Rather than just bread or rocky roads. So I got my book out (if you haven't for a while I recommend you do it too) and looked at the HUGE list of Healthy Extra options- it's not all bread and cereal you know!

Did you know that if on Extra Easy you can have some dried/canned/cooked fruit as a HEB? or some soups? Get your pack out and have a little read- a change may just do you good!

So my HEB today? Rhubarb! Frozen chunks cooked in a teeeeeeeeny bit of water and a few tablespoons of sweetener. 450g is a HEB and it was gorgeous! Will definitely be having it again! Even if I just have it as syns- at 1/2 syn per 100g cooked- it's not exactly breaking the bank!!

My food diary for today!

Breakfast- 2 skinny lizzies (2 syns), 2 bacon, 2 eggs, just over 1/2 tin beans, cherry tomatoes. Greek style muller for afters (1/2)
Lunch- houmous, 1 oatbran (1 syn) carrot sticks, sliced pepper and tomatoes (light lunch as was having dinner earlier)
Dinner- 4x Quorn sticky fillets, packet of low fat Supernoodles, lettuce, tomatoes, pepper, beetroot and pickles. 250g cooked rhubarb with weight watchers dessert yog
Snacks- houmous and cucumber, chocolate yoghurty pud with pineapple, grapes, apple and some banana (1 1/2 syns for the pud), weight watchers dessert yog.

Syns- 5
HEA- milk (300ml 1% milk)
HEB- 450g cooked rhubarb

Feeling positive this week- not letting the result of last week get me down!

Tomorrow is a busy day- going out in the evening with friends- so need to get my beauty sleep!

Ni night you lot

Much Love,
Tanya x

Don't forget to "like" my fat flutterby page on facebook!!

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Don't Try This at Home!

Hi everyone- sorry I've been so quiet lately- my head's been a bit squewed.

I was so chuffed with myself for being on plan 100%. Milk measured, well within my syns and lots of superfree.

I stood on the scales and had my first ever undeserved gain- 1 1/2lb.

Devastated didn't even cut it. I'm now in my old target range and paying for the privilege. I was hoping to have my 11 stone by the end of the current countdown- which ends next week.

I barely took notice in image therapy because I was so upset- I nearly started crying because I just felt like I wasn't believed when I said I had been on plan! But everything I ate I wrote down! People who know me know that I'm a stickler for the plan- checking things before eating them and always logging them!

Anyway- I said openly in group that I was going to have an "eff it" night- ironically tonight was the night we were talking about the "black hole" of after weigh in- where we eat certain things and don't count them. They all add up and people don't realise how many syns they're eating and not counting....

I always say that we start a new week as soon as we step off the scales. It doesn't matter if we do it ourselves but that's what the scale's take on the situation is! 

For the last 2 weeks I have not gone over my syns once- even "treat tuesday" (which, may I add, I NEVER did until I got to target) cost me something like 14 syns the first week and 12 1/2 syns last week.

But I was so gutted- I just thought- sod it- I want to eat what I want and enjoy it. I hobbled to Asda (since my knee hurts still) and bought practically the whole shop...I started eating but didn't get round to finishing it all because I think my eyes are bigger than my belly. So I have a small pizza in the freezer, a packet of jaffa cakes and a creme egg in storage and I was bloated as hell when I went to bed last night!

Do I feel better? No, not really. But I started my week again as soon as I woke up.

A friend of mine who used to be a consultant checked out last week's diary and she saw nothing wrong with it- but suggested it might be about portion sizes. Funnily enough, the twin (Caz) said the same thing- and about snacking on fruit.

I mean- free is free right? Eat until you're satisfied then stop. The thing is, I don't "do" satisfied. I don't have an off switch. I can be bloated for a few minutes but then a glass of juice and I'm ready to go for another round!

So I'm being mindful about what I eat this week- that's my little change for this week. I'm going to see what next Tuesday brings and then decide on the next course of action! I might not get a great loss because of what I ate last night- but we shall see eh?

So- food diary for this week (minus the blackhole of tuesday)

Breakfast- muller light yoghurt
Lunch- 3 bacon, 2 egg (fried in frylight), tin of beans on toast (2 small slices, HEB)
Dinner- a chickpea curry (will post recipe up soon- promise) with lettuce, tomatoes, radish and pickles.
Supper- leftover curry with beetroot, pickles and tomatoes.
Snacks- apple, weetabix oaty bar (3 1/2), greek style muller (1/2), 40g reduced fat cheddar (HEA), small amount of left over tuna pasta (1/2 syn for the mayo)

Syns- 5 1/2 (synning 1 syn for a dash of milk in my coffee at starbucks)
HEA- reduced fat cheddar

HEB- bread.

Tomorrow- nothing food-wise planned but might crack open the scan bran for a laugh!

Not giving up- I want to be able to wear my target badge again- with my NEW target!

Now- to bed for me- busy day tomorrow

Much Love,
Tanya x