Tuesday, 14 August 2018

Rebirth! (Or something along those lines)

I know I said this 2 years ago but I think I really, really mean it this time! haha

Hello strangers, did you miss me? I can't believe where the time has gone!

So because it's 2am and I really should be tucked up in bed, I will keep this reasonably short....maybe...possibly.

I was speaking to a friend of mine on Monday about my struggles with life and everything. I am slowly coming out of what is probably the biggest depressive episode of my life. For a month, I was constantly in a state of anxiety, my depression was beating me down really bad and I was suicidal. I didn't do anything stupid, but the despair I felt was not something I will forget in a hurry.

One thing I talked to this friend about was my issues around my weight. How I was once skinny, attractive, happy. However, I know, too, that I wasn't happy with my weight when I was healthy. I only focused on the negatives- my loose skin, my hairy chin, my bushy eyebrows, the way that my boobs weren't as perky as the average 20-something. But I know too, that being the size that I am now is not the place I want to be at.

I remember where I was when I first joined Slimming World back in 2011. Antisocial, anxious, depressed. The only difference between then and now is the fact that I go out of my way to be sociable. Being in recovery in Toronto.... there really isn't anywhere to hide. People don't let me. However, I don't really show everyone my true self. I have hidden my depression well. I have hidden my insecurities well. Not many people know what is truly going on in my head. The friend I spoke to on Monday pointed that out to me. She really, really put things into perspective for me. It gave me a motivation and a drive. A hope that maybe, just maybe, I can make some positive changes and become a healthier, happier person. 

To have the realisation that being a healthy weight won't guarantee me happiness is a really good thing. It means that now, rather than JUST focus on losing weight, I need to focus on my head and chase out all of those voices of negativity. The ones that tell me that I'm stupid, worthless, unlovable, disliked by the whole world. I have a good circle of people who can help with that, thank goodness.

So here I am, the heaviest I've ever been. Worried about failure but going to do it anyway. But in spite of the nervousness, I'm excited and ready to conquer my demons one step, one meal, one moment at a time.

It's good to be back!

Much love,

Tanya x


  1. Its great to see you back lovely lady. I wish you every success in your next journey. Looking forward to seeing your progress and hearing/reading anything you wanna post. Stay strong and keep the positive ahead always...xxx