Thursday, 29 August 2019

Fall down 7 times ---

Get up 8!

Hello again! T'is me! 

It's been another long hiatus and I don't know really why I find it so hard to stick to blogging and writing down my journey. Well, maybe I do know- probably because I've not really had much of a journey lately. Not a successful one anyway.

Since my last blog post, which was incidentally just around a year ago, a lot has happened. I had a mental breakdown in September, leaving me to be under the care of a local hospital. I've been poked and prodded by doctors, been diagnosed with a new mental disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder) I have been medicated, attended countless appointments with psychiatrists, attended 2 different therapy groups and still have to deal with mental crap on a daily basis.

I also, after a long break away, decided to go back to Overeaters Anonymous and try and get myself out of the world of binge eating and active food addiction.

Last night I picked up my 9 month coin. That's 9 months free from eating processed sugar (that's right- no cakes, doughnuts, cookies, whatever) and binge eating. My food plan is very very lax, I have a long way to go. My weight loss was quick in the beginning but lately I have struggled with that. It's barely noticeable .

After talking to a new (well, in the last year) and wonderful friend of mine, who has supported me so much in the last 9 months, I have decided to make a few changes, and hoping that this will give me some kind of accountability. 

If. I. Can. Stick. To. It

Truth be told, I was thinking about typing this and thought "what's the point really? I can't keep it up for longer than 3 or 4 days" and that has been true. But I miss doing the original blog. I miss the feedback and the love that I used to receive from people walking this journey with me. I miss the food plan that I had, which is hard to keep up over here (but not impossible). 

So, we shall see. Maybe I can keep it up. It might just help me get to where I want to be. Which is not giving a crap about the number on the scales, not obsessing over what I eat and how much. I want to have that sense of freedom and confidence that I had when I was on my Slimming World journey back in 2011-2013. Even though I had poor self image and self worth, it was mightily improved, compared to what I was like before I joined my group for the first time.

I have started going swimming a couple of times a week- not a full workout but it's a start. and over the next few days I plan on doing a shopping list and trying to figure out what is nourishing for me. Then, I am planning on trying to get into the habit of cooking again. I haven't cooked a meal for probably a few months now. I've been eating out and letting other people cook for me. So I need to get back into it.

I am also going to regularly get active- as much as possible. Especially while the weather is half decent.

I have been avoiding looking at my weight- or just looking at myself actually. I am not the biggest I have ever been. That was last November when I was sure as hell that If I didn't do anything and soon, I would've been over 400lb by the time I was 31- if I even made it to 31. But, I know that I have to give this everything I have. I might not have much physical or emotional energy, but with the love and support of the people around me, I know that I have a bit of a chance. 

So, here I am again, again, again. Like I said this time last year- I am going to take it one day, one meal, one moment at a time.

Much love,
Tanya x

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