Here We Go Again...

Hi everyone- I can't believe it's been nearly a month and a half since my last post. If you are are on my Facebook page then you will see the more recent updates but even they have been few and far between.

To be honest- my mojo for writing has been gone for a long time. In fact my mojo in general has been pretty hidden especially over the last week or so. I kept saying to myself "I will do a blog post later" but it never comes- it's time for bed or I get distracted by shiny things. It's like my spark for getting my thoughts out has gone out. But I am gritting my teeth and getting on with it. So please bear with me!

As most of you will already know I got to target 2 weeks ago- finally after 7 months of up-down-up-down I was back where I was. That's it now- no more changing targets- I was at a happy, healthy weight- I didn't need to be any skinnier- even though at the time I disagreed.

But lately my eating problem has come to light. It's been there a while,  but I kept telling myself "it's ok- I'll just stick to plan and still lose, or maintain" or "it'll be different this time" before heading out on an evening of binging on sugar and general junk. It's insane. I can see it. I have experience with addiction- and it's like an alcoholic swearing off booze and saying "maybe I'll just have one or 2 to take the edge off things- it'll be different" only this is food- not alcohol. I am a compulsive overeater- I admit it- but still am struggling to accept it.

The thing is- I have been getting help with that- talking to people who understand. Because there is no point trying to talk to people who don't "get it"- people who think it's ok to just have the odd naughty day. Their naughty days consist of a couple of slices of cake and a sausage barm- mine are all out binges of anything and everything I can get my hands on- which in turn makes me physically sick and mentally exhausted. But I carry on- because I just can't stop. I feel like I'm going to be sick, I feel so ashamed- a failure, disgusting, like I am not worth anything. That's what I get like.

Even though I have been getting help- and still going to slimming world of course- because that is paramount for me- I am starting to see how bad it really is. I've been living in denial for a long time and seeing it for what it is- it's ugly. But yet I still eat rubbish and make myself feel ill (never purging) like today- I was going to be good- knowing I couldn't get weighed due to plans just being too hectic- work, lunch with a friend and cleaning etc. My head just started going "oh well just have a couple of extra syns it'll be fine- no one need know" of course I had a few extra syns, and a few more, and a few more. Now I just feel ashamed- sitting here- knowing that the insanity has returned thinking "why the hell did I think it was going to be different this time?"

Einstein once said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results" by that definition I must be insane. I then beat myself up for it when I realise that I've fallen for it again!

I am in the process of working on willingness to accept that there are some things that I just cannot eat- because it sets off a trigger to want to eat like that. Cereal like Weetabix is one- strange as it sounds. There are a few things like that. I am going to work with someone who has experience with this kinda thing- someone who has suffered with an addiction to food and is recovering. I trust her judgement and experience and I look forward to sharing with her. 

In the last few months- while getting help with this- I have met a few wonderful people who I respect and have a great affinity with. I can talk to them about this and not be judged, laughed at, told that it's only "a bit of food" or the worst comment I can hear "it's ok- you can have a blowout now and again- look how far you've come"

One week, about a month ago, I got weighed but couldn't bear to stay for image therapy. I had a blind weigh in- I knew I gained big- I FELT it- and my clothes were tighter. I was ashamed, hurt, humiliated (not at slimming world just at my actions the weekend before). I spoke to one person at the group- and she told me that I could easily get it off because I've done it before. I know people mean well but that is such a hurtful thing to hear when you have lost weight and can't seem to get out of the spiral of gaining. It made me feel like even more of a failure- even though of course that person was just trying to be kind and supportive. But- I spoke to my consultant during the week and she was awesome- she is there for support when I need her- I can never fault her- not at all.

Now I tried a week of success express- literally writing everything down that I ate- stuck to plan RIGIDLY- kept busy, moved around more and I felt great- lost 3.5lb or something that week- then 4lb the week after and got to target. It was a great feeling- but then I went right back into the craziness because I thought I was ok!

That week I put on enough to get OUT of target in one week- this week would have been my grace week but I booked a holiday because I was so busy- and also couldn't face the scales- that's the first time I've done that- usually I do get weighed anyway!

Anyway the last few days my mental health has been pretty grim- depressed, anxiety been bad and just been in a state of doom and gloom- one positive of that is I have never slept so much in a long time! Early nights and naps in the day just because it was easier to deal with stuff (or not in this case) if I was sleeping. I have spoken to a few people and even though I have not got out of this mental funk- I feel a bit more loved than I did a couple of days ago. I am lucky to have people in my life who don't judge me, who don't tell me to just "get over it" (even though there are people like that in my life too) who are there to let me rant, moan and get this stuff out. And who love me for me- not for who I should be. I'm not a disappointment to them, they are patient and caring and I really am blessed.

I might not be happy but I can squeeze out a bit of gratitude.

Now- this isn't much about weight loss- this is one of those "flutterby is mad so she needs to get it out of her head so she can take the power out of it". But I have a plan in place.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

There is my nice big (double) line- drawn- new week starts now.

I am going to live in the day- take it hour by hour or minute by minute if I have to.
I am going to get up- give myself 10 minutes of "me time" to get some Enya on (my chill out music) and relax. 
I am going to plan my meals- following the "success express" plan because I mean business!
I am going to up my exercise if possible- even if it's just  walk around the park. Hopefully I can drag someone out with me for company.
I am going to share how I am feeling- not bottle it up and "pop" every so often.
I am going to be patient and not beat myself up.
I'm also not going to worry about next Tuesday- if I am out of target so be it- I just have to focus on being the best I can be on any given day- that's all I can do.

I leave for New York in 3 weeks and 6 days- I not only want to be at target but I want to be comfortable in my own skin. That's 27 single days to try and be the best person I can be- and with the help of my loved ones, my friends inside and outside of Slimming World, I can do this.

I can't do it on my own- but we can- TOGETHER!

Thanks for letting me rant- I love you all- let's rock this!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Popcorn-Free Day and Portion Control!

Hi blogees- happy Wednesday!

I am feeling positive- even though it has been a mix bag kinda day. 

Work was ok even though my nerves were a bit bad, I left on my rota'd hours, rather than stay like I do if it's busy just because I didn't want to get into the realms of the evil panic attack. I walked home in the sunshine and made myself a healthy lunch of left over quorn chicken from yesterday, aunt bessies carrot and swede mash (half a bag's worth) and some more low- syn coleslaw (1/2 syn)

I then got a message off my brother and a voicemail off my dad. My Great Uncle passed away last night/this morning. He has been ill for a while, and it is sad to hear of his passing. My granddad was quite close to him (they were brothers in laws but they both lost their wives so they had a common bond). So it is a sad day but I am glad that Uncle Roy is no  longer suffering.

The rest of my day was really good. I went to the pictures (cinema) for the first time in 7 years! Last time I was smuggling a 14 year old Niall in to see Saw II. This time it was a more pleasant movie- Monsters University (I am a great Monsters Inc fan and I loved this movie!)

Well of course the pictures usually means popcorn- right? I have to say it was miiiiiighty tempting! But my friend and I went to the local hungry horse for dinner (the usual Piri Piri chicken skewers, jacket spud and nekkid salad for me) being such a light weight I left a load! I was genuinely satisfied and even though I wanted to keep eating I didn't need to- even though I did finish my chicken and eat the onion off the side salad. But it is progress- usually I eat until I feel ill, just to finish the food- but that is not necessary! It's tough going but I'm taking this each day as it comes. I don't need to overeat. It's not just about weight loss with me you see- I need and want to stop obsessing about food. The help I am getting is really good. One day I will talk about it just not today.

Anyway- on the way back to the cinema I popped into Morrisons and got myself a punnet of grapes and fresh raspberries for me to munch on and bought a diet coke when I was there. I felt positively saintly!

I had a nice chat with my friend in New York for a bit and then decided to post this! Now it is time to get ready for my bed, as 4.30 is going to get here very soon! 

So my food diary for today: (Extra Easy day!)

Breakfast- muller light yog, 1 WW sausage (1/2 syn) 2 fried eggs, tin beans, 60g Wholemeal bread (HEB)
Break time- banana, 2 satsumas, apple, 2 rocky roads (6 syns)
Lunch- Quorn pieces, Aunt Bessies carrot and swede mash (free), coleslaw (1/2). Bag smartprice fruit and yoghurt 
Dinner- 2 piri piri chicken skewers (2 syns for the sauce) jacket spud, salad.
Supper- rest of the carrot and swede mash with 30g reduced fat cheddar (part of HEA)
Snacks- 2 WW sausages (1 syn) 1/2 punnet grapes, punnet raspberries, yoghurt. 

Drinks- water, juice, diet coke (trying to cut back) and 2 cups of tea with measured milk (accurately making up rest of HEA)

10 syns today- more than I usually have but still well within my allowance- I do not feel deprived and I am happy!

So on plan- positive and looking forward to another great day on plan tomorrow!

Much Love,
Tanya x

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That was disappointing!

Hi guys- happy Tuesday (even though I'm not feeling overly joyous but....it could be worse!)

Just a quick one- since it is waaaaay past my bedtime!

Today I got weighed and the scales said I had put 1/2lb on. I was gutted. Even though I have not been the usual "yay totally on plan I'm so excited!" kinda flutterby like I usually am, I was still in control all week. So I felt cheated. I left group crying- just not in the mood to face everyone.

Then I was told that I was running away from things that (even though she was right) was an easy resentment to pick up! Truth be told- I just didn't want to hear anything positive about it- I gained, I don't know why, yes it might have been water, it might have been anything or everything possible. 

I also didn't want to hear the words "look how far you have come" or "but you're doing so well". Yes, I am- and I have.....but that would not have helped with my low confidence and low mood, that's for sure! I also still get the "you're such an inspiration" line which is nice in part- and it makes me happy that I am helping others along with their journey, even just for identification purposes. But when you are struggling with your own demons- hearing that is a bit like a kick in the gut. Because I have felt like a fraud- when I have been sitting at group all positive then going home and binging (and I mean a proper binge- not 2 slices of toast with a bit of jam on!)

But I went home, talked it through a bit with a friend and then had lunch. I then made a huge bowl of low syn coleslaw. 3 1/2 syns and it filled 2 tubs- the only syns were the mayo. More on that another day.

Then my friend Niki came over, she helped me grate carrots. It was back to group after that and I was there til 7.30.

I have been feeling really depressed today, but I have been sticking with people- because I didn't want to isolate. I am overtired and miserable....but I am also feeling a bit of hope- because I havent binged or been off plan all day (for 2 1/2 weeks actually)

I just hope that the number on the scales goes DOWN next week! We shall see.

Anyway so I am going to keep a food diary- and when I can get piccies from my phone to my computer I will show you my food too!!!

So my food diary for today:

breakfast- 
2 alpen lights (HEB 1) 
WW yog with spoon quark mixed in (makes it thicker and creamier)

lunch- 
stir fry veg w/ 2xrosemary and red onion sausages + egg fried rice, soy sauce, chives and spring onion.

dinner- 
quorn chicken pieces with passata, mushrooms and herbs, 
salad leaves (fresh from the greenhouse) tomatoes, pickled onions, cucumber, 
40g reduced fat cheddar (HEA 1)
homemade low syn coleslaw (1/2 syn ish) 
muller light+quark for pud.

snacks- 
3x rocky road bars (HEB 2 + 3 syns) 
tin smartprice ravioli (1 1/2 syns), 
muller light with cherry underlayer (1 1/2 syns)

I have drank lots of water and cordial to stay hydrated and my second HEA was used in teas and coffees through the day (2 small cups not measured as was at a meeting and it came from a pot- but definitely not gone over)

Feel better than before- just going to keep plodding along. I have survived today with a cool 6 1/2 syns nommed. Tomorrow I have my fruit ready for my break in work- setting my alarm to have a cooked breakfast before I go (sausage, bacon, egg on toast, maybe beans too) then my fruit in my break at 9.30. I have chicken to have for lunch, probably with the stir fry veggies left over and rice. Dinner is going to be at the local Harvester- my friend Louise and I are going to the pictures (my first time there in 7 years!) I will have a bag of fruit and some rocky roads so I'm not tempted with the popcorn and sweets- but I will buy my diet coke there- just to be polite!

Ok off to bed for me- need my rest- to shift this headache I have.

Much Love,
Tanya x

Up, Down, Up, Down.....Nearly There (again!)

Hey there readers!

I have been just in a funk lately in terms of writing (good old writers block!) but a brief read of someone elses blog I thought I may as well give a post a go! I've had people say they're worried because I'm so quiet (moi?) but rest assured I am ok!

So- what's going on with flutterby?

Have I mentioned yet that I am going to New York? I don't think I have! Well, I am! I'm going on 23rd September for 19 days. I have a friend who lives over there, so I am going to keep her company and spend some time in the peace an quiet. Rest and recuperation! I'm really looking forward to it. I'm working as much overtime as possible to get enough money for spends because I want to spend a day in NYC to do the touristy thing- and that place is the London of the USA- mega overpricey! So that's exciting to say the least!

My mood has been picking up lately, I'm keeping busy, being kind to myself and distracting myself by helping and being kind to others- it's amazing how getting out of self helps to get you out of a funk!

Last weigh in was a gain- 4lb to be exact. I lost every week in June- with a total of 9.5lb. Then I just went into self destruct mode. 2 days I binged on rubbish and felt sick afterwards. After talking to a friend I decided to get some help with the overeating side of things. It's going well, with support of people who know what I suffer with. I don't just mean I overeat by a few extra chocolate biscuits- its a few packets, and uber carbs, basically anything I can stuff in my mouth I do- until I feel ill. That's not normal, hence why I'm getting help.

It's been 8 days since my last binge- and I'm just taking it each day as it comes!

I have been 100% on plan since Tuesday (before Tuesday but that's when my new week started) I feel controlled, not starved myself but watched what I have eaten. I have had a decent breakfast before work (4-5am starts I definitely need a full belly!) and that keeps me going til break time which is usually fruit.

Today I had my first Green day of the week. This is what I ate:

Breakfast- 60g wholemeal bread, 2 scrambled eggs. WW yoggie
Break- 2 rocky roads (forgot my fruit!)
Lunch- tin beans, bag smartprice frozen fruit WW yog
Dinner- quorn chilli, rice, 40g reduced fat cheddar
snacks- hot choccie (3 syns) rocky road (3 syns) muller light greek style (1/2 syn)

So 6 1/2 syns all day- and 2 HEB+2 HEA (the second one was measured milk in my tea.

I am going to get the recipe books out and get cooking- simple things like chicken wrapped in bacon sounds fab! I might have that tomorrow actually- with carrot and swede mash. Yum!

Anyway- I am up for work in 6 hours so must go.

Everything is ok here- thanks for the words of encouragement guys- I'm just keeping it simple. Only 7lb to target and I *will* get there- sooner rather than never!

Much Love,
Tanya x

Feeling Frumpy and Insecure (but still on plan!)

Hi everyone, happy saturday! I hope you are well and having a good weekend. 

This week eating wise is going pretty good- not had more than 5 syns each day- and it's not that I've been restricting myself- I've filled up on free food and been enjoying my syns on the likes of options hot chocolate, jelly, meringues and even eating out! It can be done!

I'm doing the 30 day squat challenge at the moment, which is X number of squats every day (with a few rest days) for 30 days. It's meant to help tone your bum and legs, which I need!

Well today is day 9 and I have to do 100 today!! Sound so daunting! 2 days ago I did 80 and I didn't think that would be possible so I'm just going to do it and feel good for doing it!

This is the challenge if anyone wants to join me:

I've taken my measurements for "before" so on the day 16 rest day I'm going to measure myself and after the 30 days too- just to see if there is a change- I sure hope so!

Anyway- so what is going on with me? What's with the blog title?

Well- I am struggling with head demons at the moment- I have done for about a month now. I've been in a bit of a depression lately. I am on medication for that and my anxiety, which I reduced when I got back from Canada and my doctor, concerned for my health, swiftly put me back up to the higher dosage. My anxiety did get really bad and my depression even worse.

I don't mind sharing this- I am not ashamed of having a mental illness and who knows, one of you might be reading this and need some identification- you might get it- that is a good thing- it's good to know that you're not alone- I know that for me, knowing someone else has been through this, through anything I'm going through- and has got through it, I get a bit of hope. So that's why I'm sharing this.

Of course- sharing crap always helps me too.

Anyway- I began to get worried when I was at work a week last Thursday. I managed to get into work, barely. I got on with my job but I couldn't even make eye contact with people and barely string a sentence together. I was using all my energy to do my job, I had a complete inability to do more than 1 thing. I got home and just sat in bed. I got a skype call off a friend of mine, Joanee, who talked to me and helped me feel a bit better. I went to bed and slept on and off. I tried to do the social thing the next day- went for dinner with a friend, then he took me out to a club to see friends. I lasted 2 hours before I had to go home. I'm usually ok there but it was the same as Thursday- could barely speak, wanted to just break down and cry. It was horrible.

After another chat with Joanee, who really had the patience of a saint to put up with me over those 2 days, I felt a lot lot better. I actually slept for a good 10 hours without waking up. My energy was starting to pick up. I was starting to feel more myself.

I've found though that I feel like that for about 2, maybe 3 hours then the black fog, the darkness, the "nothing" whatever you want to call it, it came back. Then I would be exhausted and just want to sleep. 

That's when I went to see my doctor, the first available appointment, on the monday after work. He was very concerned and told me to go back up on the higher dosage of antidepressants and see how it goes. I also have a blood test on tuesday because I am getting terrible circulation in my hands, causing me to get chilblains and bumps on my fingers (sore!) He wanted to put me on beta blockers for my nerves, but can't because they affect circulation- duh! 

But anyway- so I'm in  bit of limbo right now. I'm really struggling and the only thing I seem to control is my eating. So I'm putting all my energy on sticking to plan. 

Feeling frumpy- well that fits with the "feeling depressed" part really. I still feel big because of the weight I put on. I am now only 8lb away from my 10st 1lb weight loss target. But i feel it. My tummy "bulge" is significant to me. I seem to be focusing on my loose skin too- I'm just not toned at all and I feel terrible. It's worse when I get told how great I look- because I genuinely don't believe them. I think they're lying. Even though my logic KNOWS that they aren't. There are people in my life that I trust to be honest and I still don't believe them when I'm in this head space. I feel so insecure, hideous and unlovable.

It hurts, I have that feeling in my tummy that's just sickening. It makes me want to hide away in baggy clothes and stay in my room on my own.

But I practice opposites- I go out there and try to have a good time. I try to bury down the pain and get on with it- because doing that DOES help!.

Yesterday I went to the local Slimming World celebration evening. I will post more on this in my next blog post because it was a good evening. I was practically forced to go in the end because I genuinely was scared to go. I couldn't wear the outfit I wanted to- and the one I wore showed off my skin and I felt so ugly. People told me otherwise and that was nice of them but again- didn't believe them. My friend Sami did my make up for me which was good of her, she did a decent job. Once I got there I got into the swing of it for most of the night but I hit a wall.... I suddenly went *whoosh* and the depression came....

But I went home, even though I was in pain I did over all have a good night. Ate lots of low syn food and did a lot of body magic in dancing.

Anyway- so Flutterby isn't feeling too great- but I know it'll pass!

I have a lot to look forward to. I am going to Birmingham next month for a convention, doing the race for life next month too. I have paid for a flight to New York to spend a few weeks with Joanee, which will be great (even though she's veggie- oh my god! Green days for 2 weeks nearly! heehee) and I paid my deposit for Turkey next year- my mum's wedding. 

So even though I am so down I do have things positive going on. 

Tuesday I get weighed- and hopefully I will get ANY loss- any loss means back into the 12 stones- so keeping my fingers crossed.

To anyone who is struggling right now- with anything- depression, eating, physical stuff etc. It gets better. Just take each day as it comes, focus on what you can do in the day and try to be the best that you can be. Do one thing a day that challenges you. When I do that I feel like I've achieved something.

And on that note, I am going to go do my squats and go to bed.

Thanks for being there for me guys!

Much love,
Tanya x

Still Alive, Kicking and (mostly) Losing!!

Oh it is just outrageous how long it's been since my last update? Nearly a MONTH? Oh dear!

It's me- I'm baaaaaaaack! And I know what you're thinking : 

I have updated my facebook page more often (check it out if you haven't already- right here! ) but I just haven't really had the energy to post a long update.

This one is going to be a short one, but I really needed to touch base- get out of the cycle of not posting- I must- MUST find time tomorrow to do a proper update with how I'm really doing!

First things first- how I have got on at weigh in.

Well as you know- the day I got back from Canada I went and got weighed- 1st 10.5lb heavier than before I went. I just got on with it and aimed to lose the following week.

Which I did- I lost 1st 1lb in a week! Most of it was water, as my consultant liked to point out, and I was wearing heavier clothes. But some of that loss was genuine, and I was so chuffed to be back on plan.

Then I had an out of control week- putting on 2.5lb. I felt so disappointed in myself but I just wasn't quite with it still- I was still missing Canada and I was still very down. But I didn't let that stop me! I stuck to plan with a few naughty moments but more or less in control. Week 3 back from Canada- 2lb loss.

Which brings me to this last week. I was really determined to stick to plan. June is here- and it started off well with my 2lb off. So I want to go for Slimmer of the Month this month- and to aim to get my 10st award back. My consultant has been on holiday and the consultant standing in, Lesley, is just awesome- I always enjoy her groups (even though I've only been to 4 in total!) 

Last week I armed myself with  food diary and wrote everything down- that included the pizza and box of rocky roads i had! Usually when i overeat or have something mega syns I just go "oh well" and go back to basics the same day. The only thing I estimated all week was the pizza- I put down 70 syns- so a total of 92 syns on Tuesday- shocking! But it goes to show- usually after pizza I have chocolate- I would have had my left over easter egg at about 50 syns a pop. Then I would have had some cereal- another 30 odd syns for the amount I eat- then the sugar.....the list goes on. So writing it down kept me in control and kept me looking forward

I stood on the scales this week 3lb lighter! I was a touch frustrated (but I did laugh) I got my 9 1/2 stone award but I am EXACTLY 13 stone! Just another half a pound would have got me in the 12's.

I told Julie that I would be in the 12's when she got back and she's back next week. So as long as I lose this week I will keep that promise! 

I didn't overindulge tonight- which made me feel great! I made a syn free kebab and had that at group with salad. I had fruit and yog with 2 meringue shells and a hot choc while I was at group.

I feel in control and content! I'm taking each day as it comes and that's it.

Now I must get to bed- I need to be up for work in 5 1/2 hours- and I think it's going to be busy and draining.

It's good to post though- and I will push myself to post again (yeah yeah I know- I say that every time eh!)

Thanks for sticking with me and thanks for keeping me motivated- I really couldn't do it without the support of others

Much Love,
Tanya x

Get Off The Pity Pot!

Hi guys, long time no speak!

I've been meaning to do a blog for the last few days but my heart so hasn't been in it- or anything for that matter.

I got home from an amazing trip on Tuesday. Since leaving my friend at the bus station on Monday (actually it started the day before) I was just crying constantly and that was, and is, incredibly draining. I miss her tonnes. She's amazing, and her family too. It's hard to think that it'll be another couple of years before I get a gnome hug again- and her hugs are amazeballs!

Anyhoo- I got home at 1.30pm on Tuesday, dropped my bags off, said hi to everyone and then asked mum to give me a ride to Slimming World to get weighed- no time like the present eh??? I handed my consultant £25 for a 6 week countdown, which will keep me focused.

Well I was wearing my heavy dungarees (since my jeans weren't going anywhere near me!) and I had a huge meal at Heathrow a few hours before- I was pretty happy accepting of the result.

You ready?

I gained, in 4 weeks- 1 stone 10 1/2lb. Yes, 24.5lb, in 4 whole weeks.

I was off plan the week before I went and gained about 1/2 stone in that week alone, so about a stone in 3 weeks, considering what I was eating and after the first week or so we were unable to go out as much due to the pesky black flies, I was accepting of it.

I got off the scales and started my brand, spanking new week! All I cared about was that number going DOWN the next week! Not much point worrying and being ashamed of the weight I put on!

The reality is- I'm officially still over eight stone lighter since I started my journey so it's not like I've put all the weight on. If I thought I had failed and felt shame then I probably would have eaten even more rubbish.

I enjoyed my trip, it was truly magical and the gain is irrelevant. In my eyes, it was worth it! 

So as soon as I stepped off the scales the new week started, I planned meals, started eating the superfree and just went back to basics. I even went for long walks- over 6 miles on Wednesday, 5 miles on Thursday, 4 miles Saturday..... and today I went back to work which is a lot of moving around.

I'm hopeful for a nice loss on Tuesday, we shall see how it goes!

But- the pity pot reference is quite apt for me at the moment. I have so struggled to be back home and back in reality. I miss being in Canada and I have been so depressed. As I said before- I've just been crying constantly (ok not all the time but lots!) and I have been a wreck, my nerves have become fraught and I'm just so exhausted.

Today though, after having a chat with someone and sharing a bit myself, I have realised that I need to just keep moving. How I feel now isn't going to be forever. I need to be patient- it's a big comedown. It's ok not to be ok sometimes. We don't feel great *all* the time- that would be weird.

Last time I came home from Canada I spent 3 days in bed- I didn't talk to anyone for a while (I think apart from Marg) and I just locked myself away. At least I'm functioning, even though I don't want to be social about 99% of the time!!!

I'm coming out of it, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other- that's all any of us can do!!

On a positive- I'm getting a tattoo on Friday- 10 flutterbies, 1 for each stone I've lost. It's to recognise my own achievement, show myself how far I've come....I can't wait!

Anyway- I'm going to bed- in work tomorrow, need my rest.

Good to be back, ish. Hopefully I'll report a great loss on Tuesday!

Much Love,
Tanya x