I've been meaning to do an update for a few days now, but I have not been in the right frame of mind to type a post up. Since Thursday my head has just been in a terrible, dark place and it's only just starting to let up.
Going back to how the last fortnight has gone.
Well, my birthday was awesome. Enjoyed tasty cake (twice!) and a carvery. For the rest of the week I was focused, determined and positive. But I had no clue how I did- because my usually Tuesday morning weigh in on the wii was not possible, because our front room was being decorated, so the wii was packed away.
I stepped on the scales on Tuesday...
4lb off! That meant my 9 1/2 stone award was achieved (9 st 8.5lb in total) and I was 12 stone 12.5lb. I don't remember being in the 12 stones...that made my bmi 25.2- nearly healthy!!
I was over the moon to say the least. I wasn't expecting to do so well!
I'd planned pizza, with mum, Abby and Cinta. I had fully intended on enjoying the pizza and getting right on it the next day...
It's not quite worked out that way....
Actually, I have gone over my syns every single day since Tuesday! It's now Saturday! It's unreal really- and I am sitting here, disgusted and disappointed in myself.
Now, I keep getting told, by a few people "see how far you've come, you've done amazing". I know I've done well, but the reason why I feel so sick and disappointed is that I have not wanted to go over my syns every day. Ok, Thursday I had a day out planned with my "adopted auntie" and I had planned to enjoy a piece of cake then. But all the other days I intended on staying on plan!
One thing that upsets me is that people are giving me justification for my destructive behaviour (realistically, that is what it is). I know people mean well, but sometimes I need a kick up the arse or a sympathetic ear but ultimately a push to be the best I can be. I may have lost nearly 10 stone, but I am still vulnerable at times and have moments where I am stuck in a rut. Justification just gives me an excuse to do it more. Which isn't good.
Most of the time I can get out of it myself, but I am by no means "fixed" here. People forget that I have only been doing this for a year- that isn't long at all. I am only just accepting my new size and new body- saggy skin and all! It's a long road and I need my friends and family to support me. I need my consultant (who I can't fault at all) and I need my fellow SW members. It's the love and support from everyone that will carry me to target and beyond.
I have received a lot of support so far which I am immensely grateful for- just don't give up on me just yet! I still need you all!
Anyway- it's a brand new start now. I needed the accountability- I needed to share that and now it's a new start from now! I may still be able to get to target by a week Tuesday! It's going to be a hard slog but I'm going to try! If I don't, then I'll just aim to get there the following week- but target is just a few pounds away! I want to get to target- even if my head doesn't want me to get there! I'm not giving up the fight, not when I'm so close!
Now the usual positive spin on things. In 24 hours time I'll be getting picked up to go to the airport! 5 days in Majorca. Even though I'm feeling a bit "blah" mentally, I'm looking forward to getting away for a wee while. The time away will probably do me some good- I'm hoping so anyway! I'm mostly sorted- I just need to get sun cream and pack my hand luggage (with the last few bits). Other than that I am totally sorted. Chris and I packed the big case today!
Tomorrow I've got a short shift at Asda (I haven't worked there for a few days- so will be nice to get back for a shift!) and then it's just looking forward to my holiday! Hurrah!
I probably won't be updating until I'm back- but I hope that I can report a fabulous holiday and a few days of good food optimising- which is totally doable, I'm sure!
Thanks for your support guys- every single one of you!
Much Love,
Tanya x
No comments:
Post a Comment