This just feels like a repeat of a few weeks ago- only I'm not at Caz's computer weeping my heart out feeling like the whole world has kicked me in my non-existent nads!
I was doing so well this week- apart from "Sod It Tuesday". I had planned meals- had low syns, ate less fruit and more veggies, changed my Healthy Extras around....
Then came today....
Usually I am one of those people that sees the weekend as a normal day- nothing special. I work in retail- we don't really *do* weekends. But I have been off all week- I've been pretty inactive (because I've been resting my bad knee which is still mad sore!) and just all-round been a lazy flutterby.
Anyway- today was my step-sister's 18th birthday. With birthdays come cake- 2 cakes in fact (now 3- I notice there is a giant cupcake on the table here) Initially I was being really good and turning down a piece....then I had a bit of icing.....
Then I had a piece- ok 2 (teeny pieces) then I had a taste of the homemade chocolate cake.....ok a small piece....which started me off......I then had an easter egg and one of those caramel eggs....
Then I went to a meeting and had half a dozen jammy dodger thingies and some cookies.....
Then I went to my mate's house and had quavers and custard (don't ask!) and houmous with carrot sticks and cucumber (see? some healthy stuff!) then followed by a packet (a whole one) of jaffa cakes....
Then I went home and had some rice krispies.....and a cheese buttie....and some toast....with butter....and then a big bowl of rice krispies WITH sugar!
WHEN IS THIS GOING TO STOP!!!!
I don't want to know about the syns- I really don't....it's SCARY!!
Over the space of the evening I was getting guilt, then "sod it, don't care", then guilt, then "it's ok, I'll accept the result on Tuesday", then "I'm not getting weighed"....
I have been arguing with myself (in my head- I'm not THAT crazy!!) trying to get myself to stop- of course, I couldn't.
I have 1 week left of my countdown and I really wanted to be at target then and it looks like I'm going to be about half a stone heavier than when I started it 6 weeks ago! It's sickening.
There is something just not quite right in my head now- the want has gone. It's like I'm starting to accept my size- great, fantastic....but I still want to sabotage everything! Look, I know that I've lost 10 stone, just over- woohoo- bully for me. For some people I know that's mega inspirational, I get that- I sought inspiration like that- people who had lost lots.
What I didn't realise is this stuff doesn't get easier! Sorry guys- I don't want you to think that once you lose the weight it will be all hunky dory and you will never need to worry about it ever again (I'm not insinuating that you think like that- but that's what I thought, genuinely!)
The hard work is in the maintaining- because you don't have anything to aim for- no awards, no stickers, no attention.....just a "well done, you're still at target, how are you for this week ahead?" in Image Therapy....
Anyway- I think I've had my fill.....I just wish I didn't have to go through this every couple of months. I just want to be able to eat like a "normal person". (Which isn't dissimilar when I hear alcoholics say that when they first got help with their drinking they wanted to be able to drink like normal people)
In fact I've just answered my own dilemma there. An alcoholic can't, and never will be able to, drink like a "normal person". I'm a food addict- therefore I very much doubt that I can eat, and think about food in the same way as a normal person....whoever this normal person is!!
Acceptance. My life tends to revolve around it- or it should do. We all have to accept a lot of things.
I accept that I'm 5'11, that I'm going to be called "Tan" by people who like to see me twitch. I accept that my brother is always going to jump out of dark spaces and scare me at every opportunity. I accept that I really am not the kind of person that suits wearing glasses......
But there are things that I struggle to accept- powerlessness over food being one. Other peoples' actions and thoughts being another.
In fact those 2 things, if I could sort those things out and learn to accept them then I don't think I'd be half as miserable!
I cannot eat normally. When I'm eating- I'm wondering "is this enough?" and when I'm not eating- I'm constantly thinking about it. What can I snack on? What's for dinner? I know from experience that it's an obsession and an addiction- there's nothing much I can do about it, other than work on it! Do what people suggest.....some days I am good at it, I do these things that are suggested and I have a good, slightly less obsessive day.
Then there are days like today. Where I just stick anything in my mouth (don't be rude!) and feel the remorse later.
The other thing I struggle to accept- people. That's a big one with me at the moment because my head can be sent off big time with this.
I am one of those people that doesn't think so much of the people who care and who are positive- but focuses on the people who don't like me, who go out of their way to make little digs, or deliberately ignore me.....
Why? Because I hate being disliked!
Don't get me wrong- I am a marmite kinda girl- love me or hate me. I am gobby, sarcastic, I put my foot in it, I can be bitchy.....But I'm really sensitive. I am caring and I hate being disliked- and I hate disliking others....I have something called "stinking thinking" where I do take one little resentment and run with it- nurture it, feed it until it's a big fat resentment! I have done it a few times and there are still one or 2 that really get to me.
It is affecting my weight loss sometimes. Not so much the weight loss but going to group or posting in certain facebook groups. I have had little digs made at me, or had some posts blatantly ignored. Sometimes I'm asking for help and I don't get it....
I lie- I do get it- but not off the people I know have an issue with me. So the people that do comment, even though I am grateful- that goes on the backburner while I focus on thinking about why someone else hasn't commented or offered support....
There you go! Stinking thinking!
I know I need to focus on the light and the positives. I know people care and love me- those are the people I should spend my energy and time on... Sounds easy doesn't it?
Maybe that's a mid-week resolution for me then- something to work on!
Anyway- I've had my fill of crappy food, back on plan from now. There is no way I'll get a loss but at least I can work on getting some of this extra food weight off!
I just needed to get this off my chest. I've always been told that there is no point bottling things up- that's how things get worse. Just share the crap and move on.
I've shared the crap- now I'm moving on!
New day tomorrow- and there are going to be some positive changes made!
If you're struggling too- reach out- don't bottle it all up- don't isolate (I don't just mean with food here- with anything that is affecting your positivity) find someone you can trust- get it out. Then give yourself a way to turn the negative into a positive and go for it! Just because we feel bad now doesn't mean we will forever!
Thanks for sticking with me- I'm not perfect but I try my best- and god loves a trier (apparently!)
Much Love,
Tanya x
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