Ok Disclaimer done, cool!
Let's start with the compliments.
I seem to be coping better with them, in a roundabout way. But I do get my odd days (like yesterday) where I just can't seem to accept them. Actually, I get upset when people say nice things about me. Like yesterday, a friend of mine called me "skinny". I actually got really upset over this, even though I know that she meant it only in a nice way.
Thinking about it, the only thing I can think of that's making me like this is my dad used to (sarcastically of course) call me "slim" when I was big. So I think of words like "skinny" "slim" or even "pretty" and "beautiful", basically anything positive, as a negative "dig" at me. It's so hard to get out of that mindset after years of basically being emotionally molded into thinking that it's all negative.
I'm sure that my friends and family (or most of them anyway) understand this- at least I hope they do. People just need to be patient with me, this is a big change for me, I am really struggling to get used to my new body and people's different comments. I can only give it time- I will get there in the end!
So- update on losses so far. Last week (20th) I lost 3lb, and got my 8 1/2 stone award *yay*. This week (27th) I lost 1lb. Ok, not the greatest but still a loss, and it's 1lb closer to target. I was initially pretty gutted- not because of the loss but I'd had a pretty rough day of it at work (tough customers, seeing someone who I haven't seen in 5 weeks and struggling to see how not-so-good they were doing, that kind of thing) I really needed a positive and with 1lb, it wasn't quite the positive I was looking for. I wanted to have pizza (forgetting about the "pledge to stick to plan until lent" thing. Luckly (I didn't think that at the time!) mum had already cooked, so no pizza!
The positive came in the end- I got slimmer of the month, which I wasn't expecting, with my 9lb loss in the month. So I was happy- another Flutterby magnet for my fridge!
I did come out of group determined. A friend from SW has lent me her weights so I can do the 30 day shred (she gave me 1kg ones and 0.5kg, but I could use both at the same time if I wanted). I decided, rather than wait until wednesday to start, to start on the Tuesday night. Beforehand, I asked mum (bless her, poor thing) to take some "before 30 day shred" pictures, hopefully I'll see a change! And boy to I need it.
So- if you don't like gruesome stuff, look away now- because you totally know they're coming!!
I keep looking at the pictures and I'm pretty disgusted, if I'm honest. I have no idea what I looked like when I was nearly 9 stone heavier and I don't want to! If this is my body after losing 122lb then I must have been in a right state!
There are 2 reasons why I'm putting these pictures up.
1) I want to see what the 30 day shred does for me- hopefully I will be more toned in various places.
2) I am sick to DEATH of people coming up to me and telling me that I don't need/shouldn't lose any more weight. See those pictures? THAT is why I am not at target yet. I am not happy with myself as I am and I want to be! I still have a way to go, I'm still overweight and I am working to not be. Yes, a lot of my problem is saggy skin, I get that, but the belly "apron" (as people call it) and my tummy are not *just* saggy- they are fatty too- and to get rid of those I need to lose the weight!
I hope that these pictures are proof enough to people that I do, indeed, still need to shed some weight!
I understand that people will simply be comparing me to how I was 12 months ago- which is easily done, I keep doing it myself (only in different ways). But what if someone of my stats were like this at their starting point? Their friends and family wouldn't tell them not to bother, would they? They shouldn't!
So to people who are making such comments- I don't like them. I understand your "concern", I think, but please understand that I am by no means underweight. Take another look at the above pictures. Do you think I should stop now? Do you think that I have every right to be happy with my body exactly the way it is now? No- I didn't think so. I'm not overdoing it, I'm not making myself ill. I'm not undereating or overexercising. I'm just being healthy! You should be encouraging me, not condemning me, even if it is with the "best intentions"
Watch me grow emotionally, please don't pull me down. I need the positives more than you'll ever know- don't make me feel bad for being where I want to be.
Again- I know that's not what peoples' intentions are- I know they are genuinely "concerned" about me- but there is no need to be!
Ok enough ranting. I need to get to bed. Working long shifts tomorrow (in at 10am at Asda! and in at the off licence tomorrow too!)
I'm hoping for a good week this week, only I can stand in my way! And I'm hoping not to! So far so good!
Much Love,
Tanya x
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