Sunday 23 September 2012

Finals, Overeating and Holidays!

Hello you lot! 

Sorry it's been so long. Being honest, I have felt like such a grot lately, I've just had no energy to do an update. It's been a tough week and a bit.

The Woman of the Year district finals were last Sunday- what a day that was! I was nervous, emotional and a wreck by the end of it. There were 31 of us on the day- out of something like 275 group winners.

I got into the final 8 and stood up and told my story in front of a group of strangers. It was quite an experience. I wasn't in the comfort of my Slimming World room, but in a big room, surrounded by members and consultants.

I unfortunately didn't progress to the semis. There were 2 winners, one lady from Wales, with a 15 1/2 stone loss and a lady from my local area with a 14 1/2 stone loss. 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. Truth be told, with so much positive energy from people, I was expecting to progress. That's dangerous for me. I know if I get my hopes up, or if someone else does it for me, that I feel like a complete failure if I don't succeed.

Listening to the inspirational stories from all the women in the top 8, I remember looking at Julie and shaking my head as if to say "I haven't won this". 

I went home afterwards feeling like I somehow failed. Oh boy did I ever wallow in self pity- armed with a cake, swiss roll and copious amounts of toast.....Then sitting there thinking "Tanya, have the last 18 months taught you nothing?"

Monday I went for a meal with an old uni mate and hit the gluten and carbs again. Afterwards I went to visit Caz. Really the best thing I could have done to be honest. Sometimes you just need a mate to rant to, get the emotions out then sit and talk crap and watch tv with. She fed me well, mushy pea curry and half syn cake. We watched John Bishop on DVD and had a laugh. Definitely what this flutterby needed!

I went to weigh in the next day- still full of food, 3lb heavier than the week before. I knew it wasn't a true weight gain- as I weighed 12st 4.5lb on sunday and 12st 7lb on Tuesday.

I was determined to stay at target by the time I got back off my holidays. And I have been ok.

And I really just mean "ok". Wednesday up until, well, about 2 hours ago, I didn't go over my syns. I had 2 b's, as is my entitlement, being at target. But I have been eating way more than usual. In fact, I just couldn't stop sometimes. Going back to eating on emotion, just a little bit.

Thinking positive though, last time I went away on holiday- from the weigh in on Tuesday to me leaving on Monday morning all I did was eat rubbish- pizza, takeaways, chocolate..........anything! This time, apart from some chocolate at around midnight, I have been quite good where syns are concerned. Definite improvement!

So I'm going on holiday in 6 1/2 hours. Of course I'm not finished with my preparations yet! But that's ok- I'm just double checking things. I thought doing a blog was more important, mainly because I needed to get this out. 

Actually- I've gotten out for a few days- this emotional stuff. This ego deflation. I found it hard to accept that I didn't do "as well" as people expected me to. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had something to prove, yet I couldn't prove it.

Oh what rubbish!

After a long chat with someone on Thursday, I really accepted the events of the last week. Truth is, no one, apart from me actually, can take away the fact that I have lost 10 stone. No one can take away the change that has had on me, how my life has gone from the pathetic, despairing, grotty pit of horridness, to something meaningful and rewarding.
I don't need a sash or a title to say that I am a target member or to be a help or inspiration to others. Of course winning Woman of the Year would have been a huge honour- even having the opportunity to go to head office. But the truth is, and I accept it now, it just wasn't my time. It mightn't ever be my time. But that's ok.

I can move forward with acceptance and a bit more positivity. I have so much going for me now- which I didn't have when I was 22 1/2 stone. My job, which is going permanent. My health, mentally and physically. My friendships, even though I had some friends, I didn't have many- I now don't have fear of forming friendships today.

Most importantly- I can keep telling my story. Hopefully with that comes inspiration for other people- showing people that it *can* be done. I needed inspiration when I was starting out- and I still do now to some extent! I don't have this cracked- I still need my support network, friends and family surrounding me!

So this flutterby has some hope.

And this flutterby is really looking forward to her holiday- especially wearing a bikini for the first time in FOREVER!!! I'm sure there will be lots of pictures- my camera is charging as I type (maybe not bikini pictures but I'm sure lots of other piccies!)

So be good- and see you all when I get back!

Much Love,
Tanya x

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