Friday 16 December 2011

A Bit of a Stuggle.

hiya!


Seriously there have been times where I have sat down here and gone "right- time to update my blog" then either someone calls me, emails me, chats to me on facebook, whatever and that's it.


So I want to do a quick(ish) update before I head to bed.


I have been struggling a lot lately, hence why I wanted to update this. Because sometimes just typing it out helps to make me feel better. 


Last week was tough. I picked a lot and ate more than I should have. I was also very lax about syns and taking more for my healthy extras than I should have done. Not surprisingly, I only lost 1/2lb. Now, it could have been so so so much worse, I know this. I deserved a gain- and I'm grateful that I didn't. 


I was rather upset though because I went to group early, specifically to speak to Julie, due to the fact that I had been struggling so much, I really needed to talk it through with her, especially with Christmas coming up and an extremely stressful week leading up to it (more on that in a bit). I get to the building and saw the lights on and thought "great! she's in already!" I go in and all the room was weird- boards I didn't recognise and it was just laid out "weird" (aka I wasn't used to it). And sitting at the laptop wasn't Julie, but Liz, who does the thursday group round the corner from me. Now, I like Liz, she's really nice from what I can tell (I haven't really chatted to her much at length) and I hear she's a great consultant. But she's not Julie (obviously). I guess if I was a different kind of person I would have spoken to Liz. But even with a newfound confidence and being a bit more cheerful (usually) I didn't feel comfortable enough to share all with Liz. I still don't trust easy. I don't know if I ever will, that might just be something that's stuck with me. All I know is that I was definitely gutted not to see Julie's face on Tuesday.

I was initially very worried- because it's not like Julie to not be there. But Liz told me that she was on her holidays. I know it's wrong, but only half of me was happy for her that she was away on holiday. The other half felt somewhat abandoned. I know it's not all about me and I know what I felt was selfish. So please don't remind me of that, it's not going to make things any better. I'm being honest, I was hurting and I felt really down about it. 



Anyway- I got weighed, accepted what the numbers said and ended up calling work to see if they had some available overtime. I rushed home, had some quick food and mum drove me to work. 


Since then I have still been off beam. I am being so anal about stuff- my healthy extras are being measured out and I am sticking on plan to.the.letter. no picking on stuff that isn't free, no matter how tasty it looks. And I tell you now, because my head isn't in the right place, it makes things a million times harder, because all I want to do is buy a massive baguette from Asda and nom on that with a load of butter. It won't make me feel better though. I'll just feel depressed that I ate all that stuff. But my head is saying otherwise.


I just keep telling myself "this too shall pass"


I'm just trying to find time to do everything and be organised for christmas. I have about half a dozen presents and cards to make but with the amount of hours i'm working (including the off licence i'm working about 66 hours next week) and the amount of rest i'll be needing, I'm finding it all quite tough. I wanted to cook a bit more too, but that's not gonna happen!


I'm sad too because I can't go to my regular SW group on Tuesday- because they put me on a 12.30-10pm shift! So I'm getting weighed early (at 9am) I might get there early to speak to Julie- but knowing my luck everyone else will be in the same boat! Especially it being the last weigh in before Christmas! I'm tempted to ask her if we can meet up some time before Christmas, if she's free- but obviously the fear of rejection is stopping me from doing that.

Stupid fear!



Anyhoo- so yeah things, emotionally, are a bit frazzled. But that's ok, really. I'm being good, I'm keeping active and I am hoping for a nice loss on those scales on Tuesday! 


Everything else in my life is good though! I shouldn't (and won't for that matter) forget that. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and I've got a supportive family (ok that basically consists of my mum and my brother- but better than nowt, right???). I have 2 jobs at the moment and will have a bit more money coming in for a little while, which means I'll be out of debt quicker.


Think of the positives, Tanya!


I'll be ok- what I'm feeling is only temporary, people struggle, it happens, right? It's what people DO when they are struggling that can be the problem. I know I could do a lot of things to harm myself- get drunk and comfort eating just being 2 things. But instead I'm going to work hard at my jobs, enjoy the time I do have free to relax and maybe focus on meditation and stick to my awesome Slimming World plan.


And keep at this blog! 


I might not update a lot but of course I appreciate people reading it :)


Ok time for bed, lots to do tomorrow! 


Much Love,
Tanya x

2 comments:

  1. There are just times that you need to vent, and the end result of your vent was a positive. Many of us could learn from the way you have handled the times in your life where things haven't gone quite the way you expected them to. It's a given, that we are all going to "blow" it during the holidays. I hope to be able to practice some kind of restraint though. I appreciate you taking the time to blog your thoughts. I enjoy reading them. Keep up the great work Tanya, and don't let one rough week get ya down. Onward and upward!!!!!!!

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  2. Thanks Mary- I appreciate you reading and commenting this! Sometimes when I'm off beam I need to share stuff that's going on in my head with others- when other people know, it kinda takes the power away from the problem and allows me to be less fearful and frustrated.

    Christmas is a tough time for people if they are trying to eat healthy. My issues last week didn't have anything to do with Christmas really, we don't have any fatty food in, really. I was just being lax, I would put that down to stress of a new job (not wanting to get it wrong) and the rubbish weather (not being able to go out really when it's pouring down or even snowing outside)

    I need to devise a plan for the next month or so- to keep busy and to keep motivated. "White knuckling" isn't the best way to do something like this. Sadly it's the only thing that's working right now.

    I just need to keep the faith that it WILL get better and hopefully sooner rather than later!

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