Tonight is marking the end of a really tough week....again. Without trying to sound negative, I'm wondering when I'm going to catch a break, where my head is concerned.
Ok so I have eaten a lot more crap than usual and not exercised as much as usual. I am fully expecting to gain tomorrow, not that I want to admit it. I really wanted to lose 1.5lb this week to get that 7 stone award, but I may just have to wait another week for that!
It seems, since finishing my work at Asda, I don't feel as energetic as I was. I guess it's because when I was there, I felt like I had a purpose, a use, you know? Now I don't feel like there's much for me. I know that's really down and defeatist but it's so hard to go from working every day (even if it was just for 3 weeks) to going back to 10 hours a week at the weekend. My sleeping pattern isn't great, so I'm doing what I did a few months ago- going to bed at stupid o'clock and waking up in the afternoon at some point.
I do suffer with depression, quite badly some days. Maybe this is just one of those times where I struggle for a bit. I just want to be out of this rut now. I'm used to feeling positive and happy now, I get some enjoyment out of being happy, I do. I think it's hitting me hard because when I used to be like this, it was normal. Now it's a big drop.
Anyway, Tuesday is always a new week for me, a new start. The scales are always the "line" that's drawn, ending all events of the previous week and starting afresh for the week ahead. I am honestly dreading getting weighed. Maybe it's pride, maybe it's fear of being humiliated (which I know, logically, won't happen, not at group anyway). It could just be a fear of admitting that I am weak at times. I don't like that. People can use that information against me, so I do try to act as though I'm strong, for my own safety really.
Whatever the reason, the dread is there. But I am not going to hide and I am not going to get upset. The scales will say what they're going to say. I will be adult about it and accept the number on those scales and vow not to let myself down again. I am in this for the long haul. I still have a way to go and I am NOT going to give up.
Whew. It's good to get that out!
Anyhoo- I might even be pleasantly surprised! We shall see!
I'd better get myself ready for bed. I really need to work on getting this sleeping pattern back to normal!
Hope the next blog post is a bit more upbeat!
Much Love,
Tanya x
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