Mental offloading and pre weigh-in nerves

You'd think that after 9 1/2 months of doing this every week that the fear of stepping on the scales would lessen a bit, right?


Yeah- it doesn't quite work like that- sadly.


I am sitting here, at 4.30am, 12 and a half hours away from stepping on the scales and I am bricking it! It's a funny feeling. Part of me is excited, that hopefully I will get the loss that I want. Part of me is thinking "do I really deserve it?" after going over my syns a couple of times this week.


Sure, I probably haven't gone over my weekly syns, but one still worries about these things!


So, going back to last week. How did I do?


Well- I lost 3lb. Initially I was pretty disappointed- because I had lost 2lb the week before, even though I was 100% on plan and was expecting a bigger loss.


After a lot of self pity and moping, I came to the realisation.... I had lost 3lb! that's nearly half of a half of a stone! In one week!! That's awesome!! I don't need to pull out the big numbers every week. As long as I get to target, that's all that matters. 


I do sometimes focus on big losses every week, I get over competitive and frustrated if I slip or don't do as well as I have done in the past. Unfortunately, changing my thinking is not something I can do overnight. It's taking a lot of time, effort, pain and honesty. But like I always say, I'm getting there, I'm getting better.


I can't even begin to explain how difficult this mental healing is. To think that 10 months ago, I thought that losing weight would be the hardest thing I would ever do. I never thought about dealing with mental stuff. I think I thought that the weight loss would actually make everything alright. My depression, anxiety and self image issues would disappear; people- my friends, family, and even people that I didn't know very well- would like, respect and have time for me. People would see the vulnerable side of me that I wanted them to see, but I felt that they couldn't see because of my outward appearance. 


Ok, some of those things are improving- my depression and anxiety are getting better, I'm getting less negative comments from people and the majority of people in my life, who were once ashamed of me, who were reluctant to even be seen with me in public because of the state of me (sad but true) are proud of me and don't mind being around me and showing pictures of my progress.


But, I still don't like myself. I can't STAND looking in mirrors. Even though I am "only" overweight now, I still see myself as horrendously fat. In fact, talking to one of my best friends today, I passed comment about my size and she said "you're not fat". Now- she's one person that I really can rely on to be brutally honest, if she thought I was fat, she wouldn't have said that I wasn't. But still, I looked at her as if she was chatting bubbles.


I still have my down days, some days I just don't want to get up. My sleeping pattern hasn't been the same since my job at Asda finished, which hasn't helped with my mood.


Now, I can see my progress, I really can. But, sometimes I just want to be at target, with a decent job, partner and generally a big fat (pardon the pun) life. I know life doesn't quite work like that though, so I'll keep plugging away, getting closer to target and taking each day as it comes.


Wow, I sound negative tonight!


Actually, I feel better wording it out, to be honest. Sometimes I feel wary about typing my feelings up, because people (god forbid) are going to read this. But, sometimes, typing it out and knowing that other people know, and even potentially understand, what's going on in my head, it kinda takes the power away from all the negativity. Even if it's never talked about- it's out there, it's not hidden, it's not a secret and there is no need for me, or anyone else, to feel ashamed about it. 


This is me, a little part of me at least, I'm not embarrassed about myself, I don't feel ashamed of who I am, not all the time anyway. I'm a work in progress, I don't aim to be perfect. 


I am though, just a teeny bit awesome. Just a little though, my ego isn't *that* big! Hell, I've lost nearly 7 1/2 stone, I have every right to think that I'm a little bit awesome, right?


Anyhoo- boy have I ever rambled, this probably makes absolutely no sense! I'm tired and I am now totally going to bed. Something I should have done about 3 paragraphs ago!!


Did you manage to read all that? Well done! Please help yourself to a syn free cookie! 


Next time- hopefully (famous last word) a more sane post- definitely hoping so, for both our sakes!!


Much Love,
Tanya x