I have to be honest- today has to have been one of the worst day's I've had in a long time. Even as it's coming to a close I feel like a shaky ball of mess.
Work today, at Asda, was horrendous. It didn't help that I got up late and didn't have time for noms.
It was absolutely MANIC there today. Good Friday- what's so bloody good about it? Every single till was open and with all the customers wanting stuff- of course I was the only go-getter. A lot of pressure and it got the better of me. My throat was still really sore and I was struggling to not get dizzy.
In the space of 2 hours I had 3 panic attacks. 2 I managed to get to the back of the store, in the warehouse, before it got too bad. One of them I was stuck in one of the aisles at the other end of the store, by checkouts. I found myself being propped up by a family pack of loo rolls and struggling to breathe. It was horrible. I've had panic attacks before, I used to have them so often, but this was worse because I had a voice in my head telling me that if I stopped walking around, one of the colleagues would tell me off and say how lazy I am (because, I know that's what they think- and it's not the case!)
One of the "incidents" where I got to the back of the store, I was in the warehouse and one of the Asda Aces (the cleaners) asked me if I was ok, and one of the managers passed me (not my manager) and told me to go get a drink in the canteen. She must have called my manager, because she checked on me. I explained how I was feeling and just said it was the sheer number of people and the fact that I was the only go-getter that was getting to me more than anything. There should have been at least 1 other one working with me!
A bit later on, I was in the middle of the store, with a colleague in front of me, we were both going the same way. There was a massive "pile up" of trolleys, people trying to push through. I put my hand on the colleagues shoulder (she wasn't a random colleague, she's someone who I get on with pretty well), because I could feel the panic set in again. Behind me, the section leader appeared and said "are you standing here for the good of your health?" To which I pointed out that Ann was in front of me, and neither of us were fit enough to actually jump over trolleys. That was the straw for me. I just wanted to throw the stick and leave. But, trying to be reasonable- I asked to go on my dinner and decided to give it half an hour to calm down. I thought it would be a good idea to get some food and relax. But I failed at both. I couldn't stomach any food and I couldn't calm down.
After the half an hour, I looked for my manager. After eventually finding her, I asked her if it would be possible to go home because I was in absolutely no fit state to work. I needed to get home and I needed to rest. She was reluctant but apparently I did look like crap. So she okay'd it.
Usually I have hindsight with something like this. But I'm torn. There was no way I could have stayed there for another 2 1/2 hours. But, considering it was yesterday I was asking my boss for permanent hours- I don't think this will go well for me (which my mum kindly pointed out to me- which was something I really needed to be told after the day I had and feeling as fragile as I did!)
But, work this evening (yes I did go!) went better- no incidents as such, apart from one guy telling me that last week i ended up putting money on his gas card twice last week, so he was left without electric. I was very apologetic- but I remember the guy, and he told me a list of about 5 things to do and I must have gotten a bit lost with it....but he didn't come back and tell me, even though there wasn't much I could have done to be fair. Anyway- I did it right this time *sigh*.
I had my first takeaway in 6 weeks today! I know lent is meant to end tomorrow at sundown (or midnight depending who you ask- it's always so confuzzling!) but my theory is, if Christians get to have a day off on Sundays- and I didn't, I'm entitled to finishing lent a day early! Still only 5 syns though- and that's all I've had all day!
When I got home, I did level 2 of the shred- even though I was/am feeling like crap. Oh My God! I actually collapsed from the plank position twice. The pain! I hope it gets easier! I'm sure I will- but it's better make a difference on the scales- in a good way!!
So that's me- sorry for the absolute negativity- but this is my head at the moment. I'm on checkouts tomorrow so I should be ok.
I'm going to get a drink and my hifi light bar (1/2 of my healthy b) and get to bed. up in 6 1/2 hours!
Hopefully my next update will be a bit more positive!
Much Love,
Tanya x
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