Tuesday 17 April 2012

A year on....and the hardest is yet to come!

I'm sitting here, after a pretty decent day, with a heavy heart. I have complete mixed emotions about me, my journey and the distance I have to go.


Today I lost 3lb, that takes me to 129lb lost, or 9 stone 3 for us "stoners". I was really happy, considering my health hasn't been the greatest and my exercise has been limited. Group was really good and got a lot from it. There were some great losses and it made me focused for the week ahead! I would love to get 4lb off this week to get my 9 1/2 stone award. It's a tough one, but it's not like I've never pulled out a big number. So we shall see. I'm planning on staying focused!


I have found more and more lately that I've been focusing on my "flabby bits" more than I ever did. Poking at my belly and pinching at my sides. To a point where people are noticing. This worries me because I believe that it can easily become a slippery slope for me. If I keep doing things like that, I could obsess so much and end up either hurting myself or develop some kind of eating disorder. It's easily done as I have recently found out.

A lovely lady who I met on a weight loss forum has shared that she is struggling (and I hope if she's reading this she doesn't mind, but I am omitting any names so no one knows who it is I mean- it's not fair on her.). She started SW a few months after me and lost over 100lb, which is an amazing loss. I have to be honest, I was very jealous of her at one point because she was losing weight quicker than me (the days before I accepted the speed I lost weight and stopped being competitive!) It's been the last month or so, since she reached target, have I noticed how hard it can be for someone to maintain the weight. I waited every Tuesday to see how this lady had done the week before, to find she had lost again- actually getting under the target threshold pretty quick and unable to get back "into" target range. I read how her family worried about her "obsession" with Slimming World, wondering when she was going to let her foot off the gas a bit, now she was in target. All these things were, and are, things that I've been worried about doing myself. Seeing someone else do it and go through it makes it harder to digest. Because I'm not even at target yet and I could very well be like that when I get there.



This lady has actually now been diagnosed with an ED and depression. 


I think people focus mainly on the physical aspects of losing weight, less about the mental stuff. Maybe if you have only a stone or so to lose, where the change isn't as drastic, then that could work- but it's completely different if it's someone with more weight to shift.


I started with 10 stone to lose. Nearly a year on (it will be a year in 2 days time) I'm over 9 stone lighter. To say I'm a different person just doesn't quite emphasise how much I've changed. It takes so much getting used to. I have more physical energy, I want to do things- like go for walks, train at the gym and go out with friends. 


Another thing is people see and act towards me differently. My family aren't ashamed to be out with me anymore, I'm no longer the "fat friend"- which I know I was to some people- sad but true. People pay me genuine compliments not say nice things then laugh at me behind my back.


The biggest thing has to be my own self image. I genuinely still see myself as a size 26-28. I still avoid smallish gaps that I could now fit through, just in case I got stuck. I still go to the likes of Evans or the big sections of stores and pick up the bigger sizes in clothes. I still make comments about me being fat- not because I'm being negative about myself but because I still think I am! Without looking in mirrors I still see my fat belly, wobbly thighs, bum and bingo wings. I can't not focus on them- it's just how my head works. It gets me down because people say nice things about me but I can't believe them. Can't see they see what I see for goodness sake? No- they can't. I know why that is though. My head isn't right. I'm ill and am struggling with my mental demons. It's going to take a lot of work to banish them but I'm taking the right steps there. As people tell me, admitting there's a problem is the first step to any kind of recovery.


I think there should be something in place in Slimming World for people who have either a lot to lose or have lost a lot, especially over a short space of time. I can't be the only person like this, actually I know for a fact that I'm not. Even if it's just a leaflet talking about the mental stuff that can happen when losing weight. I wasn't aware that it'd be this hard. Don't get me wrong, I would have still done it, of course I would, but if I had known about it sooner, I might have been able to get the help I need sooner, rather than waiting until now (or tomorrow- since my first mental health team appointment is tomorrow afternoon).


Please don't get me wrong- I am so grateful for what SW has done for me, and I always will be. Julie is the most amazing consultant I could ever ask for and she is someone who will hopefully be part of my life for a long time to come, but as a whole, I think Slimming World should emphasise that the mental side of things need work too, especially when someone has a lot of weight to lose. It is something I am going to write to HQ about. It needs to be voiced and I feel so passionately about it, I am going to write to them and explain what's missing. 


My journey is really just beginning. I think the next 12 months are going to be as much of a roller coaster as the last 12 months. I'm nearly at target- I've done the easy bit- it's soon time to learn about the art of maintaining as well as sorting out my head. It's going to be a long ride. Do I want to get off? Do I hell! I'm in it for the long haul- and you're all coming with me!


Now, time to do some exercise I think! Still not shredding-ready but I need to do something!


Tomorrow is a new day- I am looking forward to my appointment with the mental health team (3.30 phone appointment)  because I am determined to get the help I need to be a better, healthier and happier person!


I think this is going to be a positive week, I hope it will be!
Much Love,
Tanya x

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