Good evening (well not quite evening- it's early morning, as usual!)
So today is going to be one of those feelings posts- just warning you now- get a cuppa ready!
I find myself every so often getting myself worked up because of one niggling resentment that I've had for about 9 months. I'm the kind of person that gets really wound up and upset when someone doesn't like me. I am trying (but sometimes struggle) to accept that not everyone will like me. I can be a real pain in the bum, I can sometimes push boundaries without even realising it. But I'm not malicious, I don't deliberately go out to harm others- I used to, I don't any more, my conscience won't allow it!
So when someone goes around deliberately being spiteful, so much so that other people notice so you know it's not just your own head, it leaves me wondering why. Then I try being overly pleasing to make the person like me and I get more and more downtrodden when it doesn't work out like that.
I've talked about it over and over again, I've meditated on it and I've shared some more, this isn't going. Acceptance will come, I know it, but I'm getting impatient and it's frustrating me.
I need to focus on the positives- the nice things that people say about me, or to me. The friends and family who offer encouragement and love. They are surely the people who matter the most!
I can stand in a room of 100 people. 99 will be nice, friendly and courteous. 1 person will either ignore or pull a nasty face at me. Of course I would obsess over that 1 person. Make myself ill with worry and get to breaking point trying to get them to like me. I'm a chronic people pleaser- I have been for years.
I'm working on changing that- I want to be truly happy- I can't rely on others to make that happen. Self love and self respect- those 2 things will help in my quest to happiness- the common theme of those 2 things?
Self. Me.
That's who needs to do it!
Ahh it's nice to realise these things. It's even nicer to accept them!
I'm still going to plod along- there is no way in HELL I'm going to let someone negative win, I just wasn't brought up that way! (thanks mum!)
Now, on to the next bit of rambling
I went out today- it was a colleagues leaving do, he's gone to pastures new- to be a primary school teacher. So a few of us (about a dozen) went to the pub to say our farewells. I went and I actually had a good time chatting to people, not isolating in the corner and hiding away- actually engaging in conversation!!
Sometimes there are things, like going the pub tonight, that make me ever so grateful to SW. Without the support I got off Julie and my group and without Food Optimising, I would not have been in that situation. When I went out I always felt uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments, but it's nowhere near as bad as what it was! My life is immeasurably better!
I do have a lot of gratitude today! Even with this resentment going on, nothing can outshine my gratitude!
Now- the important thing- the noms.
Breakfast
5x scan bran
strawberry muller light
sweetener
frozen berries
Lunch
Roast Chicken Mugshot (yes- that was it- the canteen shut early so I was without salad!)
Dinner
Roast Chicken
large baked spud
lots of salad
salad light spray (about 7 squidges)
Rhubarb Muller Light
Frozen berries
Meringue Nest (2.5 syns)
Supper
2 hot and spicy chicken pieces
left over roast chicken
Uncle Bens thai sweet chilli express rice (2 syns)
bistro salad and tomatoes
Snacks
rocky road bar
alpen light bar
Drinks
1.5 litre water
300ml diet lemonade
tea w/50ml 1% milk
1 1/2 cups of tea with ss milk (1.5 syns for milk)
500ml pepsi max
250ml milk
so that's 6 syns for today, which is great, 54 syns for the week. Healthy extras were of course my milk (hea) and scan bran and cereal bars (2x heb)
Tomorrow is the last full day before weigh in so getting a touch nervous as usual- would love a good loss to get me at the bottom end of target- we shall see!
Right- off to get my beauty sleep! I need it! Busy day tomorrow.
Much Love,
Tanya x
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