My name is Tanya...

and I am really struggling right now! I didn't really want to blog about this but I really need to post about how bad this is- maybe, just maybe, it will take the power out of it. I have always been told to share when I'm struggling with all aspects of my life so here goes.

I was over the moon getting my 10 1/2 stone award last Tuesday- but it feels like a million miles away to where I am right now. 

I have been completely out of control with my eating all week. Not just one evening or a day, all. bloody. week. From eating probably 1/2 of a whole christmas cake, chippy meals, chocolate, bread, more bread, cheese, butter- you get the idea, right? I find myself at every available opportunity sneaking food left, right and centre and eating it....sometimes in sight of others but a lot of the time on the sly- when people are in bed or when I'm out.

Basically I have resorted back to type. This is what the "old" Tanya, before Slimming World used to do- hiding food, sneaking wrappers into public bins, or if I had to put it in a bin at home I would put it in another bag, or at the bottom of the bin.

I see the insanity. Something I have been given is that ability to see when I am going mad. What I struggle with, however is getting out of this insanity when I am in it. I find myself stuffing myself with crap and crying because I don't want to do it and I am WILLING myself not to. Yet I still do it. I have a few people in my life who believe that everything is about willpower. I know more people who think because I've lost the weight that I have a lot of it- but I don't. I am completely powerless over many things- I have a very addictive personality- I've been addicted to drink, drugs, food, relationships, shopping, gambling......the list goes on. I am just one of those people that can't just have "one" of something. I have to keep going until I'm in a state- either off my face, full to the point that I feel sick or financially poor.

Drink and drugs have no part of my life now- anyone who knows me already knows that I haven't drunk or used any illegal substance for over 5 years. But food always is a problem.

It's so hard to control food when you're someone who can't help but overeat. Not drinking was so much easier for one reason- you abstain from it. I found it immensly hard, don't get me wrong- I had to work hard to put the drink down and I still work the principles that got me sober in the first place. But with food- you still have to eat- otherwise you will suffer from a case of mild to moderate DEATH. So I have to eat food- which I am addicted to- so I can't get rid of those cravings as easily.

I think I'm finding this so hard now because I am suffering from a bit of mental tug-o-war. People around me are telling me to stop losing weight when the reality is- I just don't want to. I'm logical a lot of the time and I know the people who told me are right to a point. I have a healthy BMI, I am nearly 6 foot tall and size 12. But my illogical side likes to shout every so often. I still think I'm fat. I don't like what I see in the mirror sometimes. I hate my loose skin. I hate the stretchmarks and I hate the fact that even though I've lost over 10 stone, I can't wear the majority of clothes in the normal shops. I still think I'm ugly. I don't like a lot about myself. 

It breaks my heart because I get so many messages off people and comments face to face- saying how much of an inspiration I am and how great I am. Yeah I've lost weight- that's a big achievement. But that is by no means the be all and end all,

The biggest obstacle has always been me. My head. My thinking. This is what I need to work on and I try, boy do I try. Some days it's such a hard battle. Some days I just can't face the world and getting up and going to work or going about my day is such a battle. Especially painting on the smile and trying not to let people know how  much I'm hurting. I've been a burden for too long, now that I've lost the weight I just feel like I'm being a pain if I'm sitting around upset, wallowing in my own misery. 

I've put about a stone on in a week. That's not even exaggerating. I wish I were. I feel so much bigger, I see it, it hurts. 

I'm hoping that now I've written this I can start again. I didn't get weighed this week- I couldn't face it. But I am going to try this week- back to basics- and get weighed next week. I will face the damage and go from there....

I don't want sympathy, that's not my aim for posting this. I *need* help. I *need* support. I may have lost nearly half my body weight but I am not, nor will I ever be, immune. People joke about having a thin girl inside trying to get out. Fat Tanya is still inside, she'll always be there- and she's dying to come back. But I don't want her back. I might be upset, hurting emotionally and a teeny bit of a wreck but at least I can go out for a walk outside, at least I can get upstairs without getting out of breath. I can sit here with my legs crossed. I can have a bath and not struggle to get in and out.... I am so much happier compared to where I was. I don't want to be back there. 

My name is Tanya and I can't do this by myself. I need my friends and family. I need my Slimming World friends and family too! 

I would not have got this far without you guys- and I am eternally grateful. I know we are all in this together.

This too shall pass- I'm not going to be beaten!!!!!!!!!
Watch this space!

Much Love,
Tanya x