Wednesday 21 September 2011

Past Stuff and Looking Forward

Just after I wrote last night's blog, I was speaking to a woman that I met on a weight loss forum. I got quite emotional, thinking back to how I was just over a year ago, when I was living at my dads.


I guess when you're putting weight on you just don't realise how bad it's getting- same with drug or alcohol addiction- it just creeps on you in such a way that you don't notice- very very sly.


I was thinking about what, and how much, I ate when I was at dads- and how active (or how not active!) I was.


Basically I would crawl out of my bed at something silly like 2pm, and crawl downstairs to my spec- which was in the corner of the front room on the couch- with my laptop perched on the arm of one of the armchairs. and there i would stay for about 12-15 hours- unless I needed the loo or needed some food. I was even more lazy when dad was home really- because he would make coffee (tea for me) or go to the chippy. But my binge eating was worse when he was away at work for 3 weeks. Then, I used to go to the bakery just across the road and get cakes, pasties, sausage rolls and *always* a cheese, onion and mayo baguette. Then I would go to the corner shop at the bottom of the road and buy bread, butter, chocolate, fizzy drinks and tins of stuff like corned beef hash.


Sometimes too, I went for pizza in the evenings (the pizza place was about a 2 minute walk, if that, up the hill- but i always asked them to delive) and I'd have pizza, a double cheeseburger and onion rings....or, I would order an Indian meal- which would be a large fatty curry, rice, naan bread, poppadums and extra onion bahjis and samosas. 


It got worse- I found out about asda doing food deliveries. The first time I did it (and this was when I got emotional) I ordered pizzas, and meaning well, fruit, veg, pasta, etc. In this first order, I bought a Hello Kitty celebration cake (you know- one of those sponge cakes with icing on the top- serves about a dozen-15 people?) I ate that- by myself- in one night. as well as 2 pizzas, and a 2 litre bottle of coke. I'm sure there was more too- but I can't remember


It's sickening to think- that I thought that much food would make me feel better. That somehow, eating lots of sugar and fatty stuff, would get me out of my depression and make me a happy person. I thought, that doing that would make me not miss the people that I missed, and stop regretting the things I regretted.


Of course- food never helped- it did initially- but then I got that little voice of guilt (that everyone gets at one time or another) that goes "Why the hell did you do that you muppet?". But to shut it up, I'd plan to diet the next day- as soon as I finished eating the crap food in the house. Of course- I would start off well, but by the time the cravings came in, I was off to the bakery again....


Now- I'm saying this- because it was something that was on my mind- and thought I would share. It's scary to think where I was- at 23 years of age- eating myself into a deeper depression and, basically, an early grave.


Even when I moved in with my Mum- I still binged on occasion. I know she's going to read this, but she probably know's anyway (because she's my mum and she seems to know everything- scary!) but I snuck food into the house and hid it in my room, or ate it when she was at work. My mum tried hard to get me to lose weight, but  I was sabotaging it, because I didn't see the point of it.


I'm so glad that things have changed now. In the last 5 months, I don't have that compelling urge to binge eat, ok I have the odd moment where I have a few sweets, or an extra cereal bar, but it's nothing compared to where I have been. Also- I am honest with my eating. If I am bad- I *will* admit it, to mum, my SW consultant, or my best friend. (totally off topic- well- not really- but it's been bugging me that I couldn't think of a word- which was to describe one reason why I like going to SW group- ACCOUNTABILITY. whew- that took about 8 hours! anyhoo....) 


I'm not scared around food anymore- I have other things that make me feel better- going out with my friends, watching telly, knitting, listening to music, exercise- not food!!! It's great because I am actually happier now than I have been in years. I smile and mean it, I feel comfortable going out and being around people (not all the time- but I'm getting there!) I take pride in my appearance a bit more. I actually (and if you tell anyone I said this I'll deny it!) am beginning to like myself!


So yes- I was in a bad way once upon a time. I was emotional, depressed, practically agoraphobic and the only things keeping me going (or so I thought) were my msn conversations with my friend, and binge eating. Live is so much better than that and I have a whole new level of gratitude


Someone on a forum posted a thread asking if anyone had any regrets that they didn't start their weight loss journey sooner. I replied that I don't regret it in the slightest. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and up until April of this year, I was not ready to pursue my weight loss journey. It was the same with my drinking, I sought help when it was the best time for me, when I was meant to. Someone reading this might have different beliefs and that is ok. But in my book- when it comes to any addiction or issue, sometimes we aren't meant to "get it" until the time is right. And we don't know when that time is, until it actually gets here.


Really- I think, everyone goes through some hardships to grow and help others when they're ready. Me? I struggled with food, alcohol and drugs. I now don't and I am taking steps to live a healthy, happy, sane life. and maybe, one day, someone will cross my path that struggles in the same way that I have, and I can possibly help them. So no- I have no regrets, not today anyway!


So- looking forward. 


I got a letter off the University- asking if I would like to appeal against my decision. After talking to my best friend and talking to my Mum- I've decided to go ahead and appeal. My logic- the worst thing they can say is "no". So I might as well go for it. I thought I was ok last year, clearly I wasn't. Same with the last few years actually. But I feel now, that I am grown up, more confident and more energetic...if they give me another chance, great- if they don't- that's ok too. I will take whatever decision they make on the chin and put it down as experience. But I'm not going to give up just yet


Today- I visited my dad- he came home today after 3 weeks away and I liked spending a couple of hours with him. I also enjoyed the walking there and back (about 40 minutes in total) I have twinged my back though- and I still have the sniffles. But I'll get better eventually! Then it's back on the exercise wagon and working off those pounds!


Nothing major to report eating wise- big breakfast (bacon, sausage,egg, mushrooms and tomatoes) in the morning and I polished off chicken spears (Iceland bbq range- curry flavour- yum) with salad and left over low-syn coleslaw. 


I'm going to have a bath and enjoy some cheese on toast before bed (to eat my healthy extras)


So- that's my little bit of headspace. 
I'm checking out new recipes for this next week- so I'm hoping to make some lovely meals and of course, share them with you lot!


Much Love
Tanya x

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