Self Sabotage, Gains and Feeling Raw

Ok bear with me, I know this sounds totally negative but I'll put a positive spin on it, promise!!


So this week I've struggled a bit more than usual- ok I had a meal out and a couple of takeaways....but I have had a few moments of absolute stupidity. Where I've eaten stuff that I shouldn't have eaten and just comfort ate. 


Truth is, I am still feeling extremely emotional because of the events of the last few weeks. I realised today that I have some kind of abandonment complex going on. I tend to get very clingy sometimes, especially when I'm overtired, irritable and emotional. Even though I'm working on that, there's that bit of me that thinks that the stuff that happened over the last couple of weeks can and will happen again. Constant paranoia and getting upset over it. It's something I just need to get over and fast. Sometimes it's so hard to not listen to the head when it goes off on one. 


I know what I need to do actually- I need to do some in depth work on my head- because really the reason why I wanted to lose weight was, for one of many reasons, to be happy. Right now, I'm not particularly happy. that is when I need to do something about it. I know what to do- I just need to do it. So....a lot of thinking is going to be done and a lot of work. Watch this space!


Anyway- I have found that because of my mood, I have just eaten rubbish at any chance- which doesn't help, I know it doesn't. I may have lost nearly 10 stone but I am still human and I still mess up- on a regular basis. That's ok though- you know why? Because I'm not giving up! I get back on that wagon and I try again. The only time you fail is if you give up completely. If you mess up, eat your own body weight in chocolate and and biscuits- you haven't failed. Yeah it wasn't a clever thing to do- but it just shows that you are, indeed human. Draw a line under it, start again and just try your best. That's all you can do! That's all I can do.


I have support from others, friends, family, my SW buddies and Julie. I need never be alone. I have to remember that- with every aspect of my life when I'm struggling. I can isolate pretty well, which makes matters worse. I need to reach out sometimes and say "hey- I'm not doing too well at the moment- can you help?" Sometimes "help" can be anything from just sitting with a coffee and ranting to working out something practically or even just a hug. I love helping others, but feel as though I don't deserve support myself sometimes. Which is bull- I do deserve it, just as much as anyone else. I need to remember that. I might get a poster put up saying just that!


Well, now that's out in the open, time to get onto these positives!


I gained this week. Wait? Didn't I say I was going to the positives? Well- I think it is a positive. In a way. I gained- I deserved it, I accepted it and I'm happy about it. I stepped off the scales and a new week began. I  gained 2 1/2lb, which means I am 4 1/2lb away from target. 


I'll give you 2 guesses as to what number I'm aiming for next week!


I'm going to plan this week- I'm going to write everything down actually. People keep asking me for a food diary so I'm going to write it all down starting from tomorrow. It will help me as I'll have a daily accountability and it will possibly help others with their weight loss- what a bonus!!


This week, Julie was on holiday. So another consultant, Liz, stepped in. It was good, I got a lot from chatting to her, even if it was very short. I couldn't stay for the whole of image therapy, I wish I were able to but at least I got something from the bit I was there.


I went over to Liverpool to meet up with Carole (those who don't know who I mean, she's the woman of the year who was at our charity do a few weeks ago- someone who I class as a good friend and she's just an all round awesome girly!) and her son, Jono. We went to Skinni Malinx for a late lunch. Stuffed my face with soup, sausage hotpot and jelly and custard- believe it or not, only 3 syns for the lot!!! Then we went around the shops for a bit and then coffee. I didn't want to leave- but I had my duties as money-taker at the 7pm group! 


Funny story- when I got on the bus, I have a student pass and the picture I have is about 4 years old. The bus driver called me back after I went to sit down and he insisted that the bus pass wasn't mine! He was adamant that it wasn't me in the picture! I explained to him about my weight loss and was lucky enough to have my SW pack in my bag to show him "proof". He apologised, said well done and I sat down- feeling pretty damn awesome, if I'm honest!


I then went to group, took the money, had a natter with Heather, the woman who does the weighing and it was a nice hour or so!


I went home, cooked dinner (hoisin duck skewers, syn free egg fried rice, SW chips and salad) and relaxed for a bit. I was feeling a little disturbed- because of things mentioned before, so went to Kate's for a coffee and a natter. I felt good afterwards- we had a laugh- while she made cake pops, or whatever they're called. 


I'm now home- nearly ready for bed. 


This week is going to be good- I'm determined. I might be feeling vulnerable and a bit "icky" but I have faith that this will pass- I'm not going to feel crappy forever- and I shouldn't let my weight loss be affected by this- because what's it going to solve? Nothing. 


I'm hoping that in the coming days, weeks, my mood will really lift- and I can be where I was, mood wise, this time last month. 


On another positive (nearly forgot!) I have another holiday booked! We booked it, Chris and I, yesterday. A week in Lanzarote, all inclusive (uh oh!! haha). I'm really looking forward to it. We go in just under 15 weeks. So I have plenty of time to get used to maintaining! Time off at both jobs is booked and I am getting excited already! Hoping to be working hard over the summer, crossing fingers for lots of hours to earn some extra pennies!


Ok, it is time for bed for me. I need my rest- I have  a busy day tomorrow- meeting up with a woman my mum works with, never met her before but we've chatted on facebook, she seems awesome. She does SW and is doing really well. Then I need to do some jogging and call the damn tax office!! (I've been meaning to do that for weeks now!!!)


Thanks to everyone who has supported on my journey so far. There are so many people to thank and I will do it one day- but I bet you all know who you are anyway!!

Much Love, 
Tanya x